How My BPD Effects My Asexuality

asexual and BPD Borderline Personality DisorderI will never, ever say my mental health has any factor in me being asexual, panromantic, or a demi-girl. Just as my sexuality (and crew) doesn’t make me BPD, bipolar, anxious, or any of it. There is no correlation between the two, but one will sometimes affect the other. So let’s be clear: it’s not a cause and effect, but there is a deviance exception.

See, people who have BPD are known for being impulsive, including in bed. In addition, people who are in a manic can be a bit hyperactive with sex. So while 90+% of my life I’m asexual to the point where I consider sex really gross (aka I’m what’s known as sex repulsed), I make an exception for Pat because he wants it and there is a heightened emotional connection and blah blah blah.  It’s still really ew, though, in general. I mean, you are putting one nasty dirty part inside another nasty dirty part and then swapping fluids filled with bacteria. And then some people? Put mouths down there? Makes me kind of want to vomit. And by kind of I mean OMG you people are freakin’ unsanitary! Dear lord do your mothers know! No, that’s NOT how they became mothers. There used to be storks. Ew.

So yeah, I’m asexual. Because sex is gross. Even kissing is gross. That’s how you catch the plague.

(No, I never have known how Pat puts up with me. This is only one or two items on a super long list.)

So uh. Then this thing happens where I become super unstable. I don’t just mean a little unstable. I mean throw my marriage to the curb so I can maybe fuck other man and/or women, unstable, and I all but become a whore. Now. In reality, I can count on 1 hand the number of people I’ve slept with and I’m officially up to two hands for the number of people I’ve kiss. But for me? That’s sleeping around. I mean seriously. It never really is about numbers. There are people with 10 times as many ex-partners and I wouldn’t call them whores. Not even behind their backs. But me adding a notch to my bedpost when I’m single? That is me going out of character. The fact this last time I kissed 4 different men which is doubling my earlier count… I actually dislike kissing more than sex. That’s your germs in my mouth. Black Plague.

Ok.  So failed attempts to be humorous aside, while my sexuality doesn’t cause my mental health and my mental health doesn’t cause my sexuality, it’s still relevant because one has, and probably will again, affected the other. Only this time my marriage will be open so I don’t have to sacrifice the man I actually love to kiss another dude. Or dudette.

Also, as I grow more comfortable with the labels it took me 30 years to find, I want to write them out as it makes them whole. And if any of you can relate with any of it… well there are a lot of people out there far less complicated than me, so anyone I can relate to when it comes to gender and asexuality especially, I could use the company in my lonely corner.

We can discuss the black plague.

When Sexualities Collide

Sexuality and BPD and marriageThere is of course a downside to the match made in the stars, that is Pat and I.  Can you guess it?  Ah yes.  I’m asexual and he is not.

Now, to be fair to me I am Asexual-grey so I do feel a sexual attraction to my husband, but my sex drive itself is hit and miss.  More than he’d prefer, that’s for sure.  I can’t blame him.  He is a fully functioning sexual being.  There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but it can complicate romantic relationships where the other person isn’t also asexual.

So, he works on patience with me and learns what can trigger my sexual appetite.  Not to take advantage of me, but to broach the subject.  He has always taken no for an answer.  Always.  Him trying to tempt me is never abusive nor nearing anything that could hint at rape.  However, he also knows that a 20$ or even a 10$ handed to me to go treat myself to books usually makes me very thankful.  I mean, if you’re going to buy my affections, books is the only way to do so.  Or maybe shoes.  But no.  Pat is the only one that can pull off that trick without receiving a throat punch.

In addition, I work on evaluating my situation.  Am I horny?  Yes?  Have sex.  No?  Ok, well does the thought repulse me?  Yes?  Don’t have sex.  No?  Consider having sex.  I don’t have to be OMG IN THE MOOD to be willing to show physical affection to my husband.  I just have to be willing to show physical affection.  In a sexual way.  There are various degrees of compromise; and sometimes we start and I’m just not into it, can’t get into it, so we stop.

But if he is willing to be patient, I’m willing to try for sexual more often.  I don’t find it degrading or him being disrespectful.  If he refused to acknowledge my lack of sexuality or pressured me into it when I’ve said no, that would be an insult.  This isn’t even me caving to my wifely duty.  This is me loving my husband.  And sometimes I agree to love him physically even if I think I’d be ok never having sex again.  When it comes down to it, well, if nothing else, it’s great exercise, and it’s safe as we’re both clean, can’t get pregnant, and in love.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating for him at times that I can’t keep up with his desires.

For the record, this is one reason I suggested (didn’t agree to but suggested) an open marriage.  Granted, he only has one woman at this time he’d consider being with aside from me, and she isn’t local.  Should he meet someone local, we’ll reassess.  Mostly because I’d need to trust her and her intentions with my husband.  His unicorn, as we call our outside of the marriage loves, would never ever hurt me in being with him.  So I can trust them both fully, and this is essential.

An Asexual, Panromantic, Demi-girl and A Trans Lesbian Walk Into a LARP

Sexuality marriage and BPDI, for so many years, have known my husband and me to be a complicated mix of male/female with neither one of us fully subscribing to our assigned gender. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always gone back to him when I’ve left: I know no one else can complete me like he does.

With the post on my sexuality still pending, I had him read it and then asked him to expand upon what he thought his gender alignment to be. After a long talk it came to the agreed up conclusion that the old joke that “he is a lesbian trapped in a man’s body”, was not far from the truth.

You see, he really is at this point transgender. He was assigned male at birth, but relates more to the female gender. He’s not going to bother with a sex change, though, because he’s never seen a point, and he has a wife who is happy to let him be his inner woman. His sex organs are what they are, and as for “he/him” as his pronouns, he’s too lazy to bother caring or try to get us to change it.  Also, he doesn’t consider it insulting.  Never the less, he doesn’t really like being called a man, but he keeps that battle inside, and is glad “Pat” is so androgynous.

Should he have gone through the change, he would for sure be a lesbian. And no, that does not just make him a straight man. True gender is in the heart, not the parts.

Meanwhile there is me who doesn’t really feel like a woman, but doesn’t really feel like a man either. I’m not agender.  I’m just me; a mostly woman with definite girl parts, but both male and female feelings and character traits. I’m just me; a panromantic, asexual, demi-girl, and I love my lover no matter the parts or pronouns.  Because Pat completes and complements my gender in a way no one else could.  We were able to give each other children.  He is strong where I’m weak.  I’m strong where he’s weak.  Put us together and we are whole and one in a million.

For any number of things could have preventing us from meeting at that LARP game that Friday night. Instead, the stars aligned, the heavens took over, we met, we became friends, we feel in love, and we became what each other needed in a lover.

Sexuality of a Misfit

asexuality and Borderline Personality DisorderNot that it really matters, but I have finally found a set of labels that I feel most comfortable with.  I say it doesn’t matter because I am married to a man that I choose to be married to and we are as happy as any couple with our combination of mental health issues can be, and then some.

Sexuality, however, does matter.  As does gender.  Not everyone fits into the straight boy/girl or LGBT labels society seems to be ready to push us into.  Hell, society is really only fully comfortable with the straight boy or girl part.  There are so many of them out there and so many of us trying to find what works best for who we are.  So I finally, at the age of 31, found what fits me.  I’ll even define them for you and explain how they fit!

Sexuality: Asexual Grey-A: I typically don’t experience a sexual attraction, but there are known exceptions to this, my husband of 12 years for one. Typically someone has to capture my interests intellectually or by other random and rare means before I’ll have any chance of experiencing a sexual attraction to them. Even then, I have a really low sex drive.

Romantically: Panromantic: I can love anyone. If I’m going to feel a sexual attraction to anyone, it is personality based, not at all gender based, and comes after love, not before.  I am literally falling for the person, who they are, their mind, and not the sex parts or what they can do with them.

Gender: Demigirl: I was assigned female at birth and do indeed have female traits. I, in fact, mostly wear skirts and dresses, but only because pants were invented by the devil. I like the freedom skirts offer. I also have many masculine traits and my husband and I joke I’m the husband/father and he’s the wife/mother. While I am indeed a mix of both genders in interesting ways, I’m ok with being assigned female at both, I’m ok with she/her as my pronouns, and I don’t feel any need to lose the tits. (Though for back pain purposes I would be happy to go down a couple sizes. But that would still leave plenty of tits.)

Any of these labels are subject to change as I grow as a person and discover new labels out there that I feel fit better than the last. And in the end, it doesn’t really matter anymore for me as I’m happily married to someone who is also a unique blend of sexuality, romantically, and gender. And we seem to fit together perfectly, in such a way that anyone on the outside looking in goes “WTF”, but it works beautifully for us, and we could never find this match with any other.

Things That Made Me Chuckle This Week – Very Punny

This will be my last collection of things that made me chuckle.  Not because I’m no longer chuckling, but because I’m not longer hurting for content.  In its place, once a week I will post a collection of links to things I wrote elsewhere on the internet.  At first it’ll be a list of links to BuzzFeed, but after awhile I hope to guest write elsewhere and maybe get paid for some of it.  I don’t know that said post will happen on Monday’s but it’ll happen.  I will basically drop back to 1 post a day at 1PM EST and it will be pure content.  Also, this will be the last week for my weekly store update, though I might drop a couple links (not images) in my “other places” posts as well.  Basically, picture what the Bloggess does to self promote her elsewhere things.  She is my model in all things blogging.  Mostly because she makes a decent living being a good person who is honest about not being perfect.  I’m still working on being a good person but I’m certainly honest to a fault.  Anyway, I digress, as it’s time to chuckle!  This week is snapchat puns.  I don’t know where they came from, other than various places on Tumblr.

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Pi Day 2015

Borderline Personality Disorder BPDSo 3/14/15 @9:26:53 is a very special time to me.  If you don’t know why off the bat, please just move to another post.  If you do get it, read on.

I am throwing what will be my second annual Pi day party this year.  My first was 3 years ago though.  So there has been a gap.  Between drama, funds, and those days falling on week days, I can’t totally be blamed. However, this year is heralded as the greatest Pi Day. (I argue that the greatest Pi Day was 3/14/1592, and was probably an ordinary day, and no one appreciated Pi Day back then I’m betting, but no one listens to me.)  So yes, Saturday we’ll party as they should have in 1592!  Only less… well… we have better pie now!

So please eat a piece of pie on Saturday in honor of an irrational number that does magnificent things!

Meanwhile, I’m sure I’ll eat more than my fair share!