Robin is settled into Seattle and has been for a few weeks, at this point. The kids miss her like crazy. They show it in various ways. Sammy is a little more outspoken with it. Thomas tries to hide his pain where he thinks we can’t see it. Lucas is a lot harder to read, but I know he does miss daddy. Even Iris misses her.
I’m a little more on the fence myself. I more miss having help than I do the company. When the kids started feeling better they were obnoxious for a couple of days and I was so sick I could barely move. I could have used a healthy adult. But the thing is, had Robin been here, Robin would have had Covid too, (I caught it the day after she left and passed it around the house from there) and not only would she have been unable to be helpful, but I would have been sharing my sick bed. I’m very selfishly grateful I didn’t have to share my bed while sick.
The first two times we separated missing her company was a big part of why I took her back. Granted, we worked on our shit and were healthier when we got back together. But I think things would have been different if I hadn’t been so lonely. This time I have a couple of dozen friends at my disposal, and yeah, none of them are local, but I’m ok with that. I’m not alone unless I put my phone down to read. And it’s a huge help.
I’ll be a lot more hesitant to take Robin back this time. And while that is something I fully intend to do in maybe about 5 years, that is fully conditional on where we stand as individuals. We are both in need of some therapy to be better people. And I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve in a partner.
Anyway. I do in some ways miss Robin. But not as much as I feared I would. And I’m relieved by this, but I also feel guilt. I’m going to have to work on that guilt in therapy because me not missing Robin as much as I arbitrarily think I should is fine but the guilt it brings isn’t healthy.
Robin is moving to Seattle. There are many reasons for this that I’m going to try and explain.
For years now Robin has been implying and outright saying that I’m abusive. Knowing that I have BPD I kind of assumed I indeed was the problem and have been trying to fix my ways, through therapy and such, to try and be a better spouse. Only I never really could communicate to my therapists what I was doing wrong, beyond the fact I yell a lot, and Robin refused to come to my therapy for a session to help enlighten her so I could be better.
Finally, in desperation, I took to fighting those battles via text and screenshotting them for my bestie. Who brought to light that Robin was gaslighting me during our fights. And the more I looked, the more I saw it. The primary accusation being that I’m super unbalanced and crazy, but I’m actually pretty stable considering the emotional abuse I’m undergoing.
Finally enough became enough and I was done.
Additionally, Robin has a close friend out there and has been talking about moving to Seattle for a while. Only with my meds doc being a unicorn and irreplaceable, it would be a long time before I’d be comfortable with moving out there myself. But, Seattle offers Robin opportunities that she can’t get here. So this will be a healthy move for her.
We are staying married. We are staying friends. We are simply living apart so we can both heal and be better people.
This will not quite catch us up to date on my quarantine adventures. I’m writing this a couple of weeks in advance so unless I can see the future, I can only share what’s come to pass by this point in time.
Day 37 of isolation
A day almost like any other. Some animal crossing. Some Avatar.
Today was different because I played in the dirt. Repotted my succulents and aloe. Pulled dead leaves off my greenery. I’m eagerly awaiting flowers on my rose and bush sized impatiens. Both have been pretty heavily trimmed down so it could be awhile. But they both usually bloom for me all through the spring and summer. It was nice to get my hands dirty.
Day 38 of isolation
Time slipped away from me and I had a false memory of already writing this, so I’m a bit late. This is Friday’s record.
Today was the first of many Fancy Fridays. I encouraged those of us living in isolation and depression and fear to break out the special occasion niceties like fancy dresses, grandma’s china, and that bath bomb you’ve been saving and make Friday the special occasion that never comes. All as a means of increasing serotonin production.
I had a handful of participants this week. I’m hoping for even more next week!
Today was Iris’s 21st birthday. We don’t really drink much in my household on account of alcohol being triggering for me. But we did have something put away to celebrate.
Today was also me and my wife’s 17th anniversary, though the first celebrated as a lesbian couple.
There was much to celebrate all around!
Day 39 of isolation
I think I’m writing these early the next day now. Which does allow me to reflect on the entirety of the day in question.
I made blueberry bread today out of what was supposed to be muffin mix. It needed a few more minutes in the oven than what I gave it, but the stick came out clean in the couple of pokes I gave it so I couldn’t have easily known. I did bake it longer than the muffins were supposed to bake. I knew that much. Oh well it was still tasty.
I’m reading a book on BPD as an academic pursuit. I’ve read a lot on BPD in the past, but never a book by psychologists written for other psychologists. I’m on a quest for self-discovery. (I guess I should remind/inform those who don’t know, that I have BPD.) I’m also trying to make up for a lack of ability of going to DBT, which would be helpful right now for reasons beyond the pandemic. The books I’m reading are Marsha Linehan’s books on how to run a DBT program. I’m hoping that by combining my psych degree, the fact that I’ve sat through many DBT programs, and these books I can sort of jog my memory and start applying the skills and such on my own. Either way, this current book I’m on is very insightful in ways I don’t wish to discuss on tumblr. I have a mental health blog elsewhere for that.
The weather was really nice so I dragged an old comforter outside and read under the tree out back while the kids played. It was nice!
Day 40 of Isolation
Fuck. They say it takes like a month to build a habit. But we’re over a month in and this is falling apart.
But honestly, it’s not that I’m forgetting. There are just fewer and fewer unique things to blog about because I’ve already done all the new things. Day 40 was utterly ununique.
Day 41 of isolation
Why for the love of the gods is my family expecting me to keep track of such stupid things such as how many kickstarts I’ve had today? I am but a loveable but dumb orange ginger cat. I can’t be expected to know how to count. Especially not when the days and kickstarts are running together.
Day 42 of isolation
Found no answers
I was up until almost 6 am last night. Slept until almost 1 pm and not well. Today threatened to be a wash on the productivity front. But I somehow turned into a super adult.
My first bit of money from unemployment hit and it had back pay. So we’re set financially for the next month with more on the way to add to it. We were also able to get some things for the house and for entertainment as the days dragged on. We bought a copy of exploding kittens which will be here Thursday. I’m looking forward to playing that with Sammy.
I also did some super responsible financial-based adulting and earned at least 100 adult points. I’ll spare the details but I made managing my budget 10 times easier in a way that will help my credit score. So that’s good.
I also tried to watch my Netflix DVD of the week but the disk was poorly formatted and I had just about reached the climax when suddenly I couldn’t get it to play the end. A replacement is incoming. I’m feeling emotions about this. Patience isn’t one of them.
Today was overall a success though, I think.
Day 43 of isolation
The game Exploding Kittens will start wars and can heighten the quarantine experience… I’m not stuck in here with them… they’re stuck in here with me! Adding Unstable Unicorns to the mix very soon. A house simply isn’t a home if it’s not an active war zone.
Day 44 of isolation
I was awake for about 3 hours total.
Day 45 of isolation
Today I became a proper sword lesbian.
Day 46 of isolation
The game Unstable Unicorns delivered. I learned the hard way not to play card games with the 12yo after his meds have worn off. This is not the type of war I signed up for!
Day 47 of isolation
We gave the 8yo a used 3DS and her own copy of Animal Crossing New Leaf earlier this week as a super early birthday present. She turns 9 at the end of the summer, but we need her to be able to entertain herself now. She’s loving Animal Crossing, but one of her favorite things is coming over to visit me on my island.
I of course spent a few hours earlier this week buying her cute clothes and some furniture for her house. I’m rich enough in the game that I can spoil her.
I’ve also started playing scrabble go with my friends. I’m about evenly matched with the bulk of my friends so that’s nice. If anyone wants to play me drop into my messages and I’ll see if I can figure out how to find people.
Day 48 of isolation
After spending a solid year talking about buying a hibiscus bush but always talking myself out of it for reasons that just don’t hold, I finally made the purchase. They aren’t even really expensive. While making said purchase, the wife expressed their lifelong desire for a lilac bush, which also isn’t expensive, so I said fuck it and added it to the order.
I’m also being bought those hanging planters and tomato plants grow for Mather’s Day. Which this year will be celebrated in May so that the tomatoes will have plenty of time to grow and fruit.
The need to garden while in quarantine is real and valid.
Day 49 of isolation
Today I did the lord’s work and picked the best version of Hallelujah out of all the versions I could easily find. Of course, that meant sifting through 23 songs and narrowing it out down. But, while 23 contestants stood before me, only one won.
In less controversial news, we finished the 8th disc of Avatar: The Last Airbender. We have what looks like 2 episodes left, but I’m betting at least one of them is a two-parter. Hopefully, we’ll finish it tomorrow.
Day 50 of isolation
Today’s 2 episodes were actually 5 episodes, so that was a thing. But we did actually finish Avatar: the Last Airbender. It was really good. In all my time on tumblr and all the ATLA memes, I only had 1.5 portions of the last 4 episodes spoiled and didn’t at all really know how it ended. So it was all unexpected, beyond simply knowing it’s a happy ending. It was really really good!
Day 51 of isolation
The younger kids saw Grandma for the first time in a couple of months. She had some masks for us that she bought from a coworker. It was I brief visit with limited contact, but her house is a safe zone due to my sister, who is 5 years post liver transplant, living there.
Day 52 of isolation
Finally made myself sit down and finish B99 today. Or at least what we have of it so far.
I also almost finished catching up on Ducktales. I have 2 episodes left. The plan is to watch the rest of that tomorrow.
But honestly, having spent the day watching things, it might be a while before I can do that again.
Day 53 of isolation
I gave my feet a spa day. They make these foot mask things that you wear for like an hour and then toy rub all the gunk in. Your feet think about it for a couple of days and then start peeling like crazy. It’s gross, but the end result is healthy and pretty feet. I’m also bored. So why not.
Robin and I had a fight today. Which is hardly news. But this one might have lasting consequences. I don’t really want to talk about it at all except to those I seek out myself. But I suppose if I’m keeping a quarantine diary, I should mark it down.
Day 54 of isolation
Each day is a week long and yet I accomplish nothing.
I’ve also done something horrible to my sleep schedule. I’m repeatedly seeing dawn most mornings. Either because I was up past it, or up before it. It’s like a cycle between sleeping not at all or too damn much and the sunrise is almost always involved. I need to fix this. Mostly because I’m suffering. Otherwise time is fake.
Day 55 of isolation
Today, with guidance from a friend, I finally fixed my bathtub drain. We’ve been fighting it off and on for the entire 6 years we’ve lived here. Maintenance has snaked that drain so many times, just to partially fix it, and then it stops right back up after a couple of months. But today? Today I may well have fixed it for good!
Also, I’m learning about myself that I have a love of writing and mailing letters. Pretty stationery. Fancy stamps. Wax seals. My heart on paper! I just love it!
Day 56 of isolation
It was a few days late, but I got tomato plants for Mather’s Day (spelled like that intentionally since I’m nonbinary and celebrate birth mothers and fathers day as does my wife). Since I’m allergic to any tomatoes that have been preserved we decided me growing my own was the way to go for sauce and salsa. I’m super excited! I love growing plants! These are my first food-based plants and the first of anything I’ve attempted outside.
I also bought a surprise rose bush, which is honestly not really a surprise to anyone. My wife’s response is that they are surprised I only bought one.
Though to be fair, I have a hibiscus bush and lilac bush that’ll be here any day now.
Day 56 was a good day!
Oh! And I took all 4 kids to the park! We walked a trail away from people and played in the creek! It was a good muddy adventure for all!
Day 57 of isolation
The rose is now in the ground. She has good soil, confirmed worms, and blood meal. She should be happy.
The kids attempted to dig a hole to China but got distracted by worms. Each tomato plant got a worm, the rose was given more worms dir her immediate space. And there are now two worm condos made of Mason jars full of soil and leaf litter, with a worm each.
Scheming for some herbs began. Turns out basil in with the tomatoes will help keep bugs that eat the fruit away. And help attract bees.
I was informed with 4 hours to spare that I was in charge of dinner and panicked due to the fact I can’t cook. When I panic I hit default. Which is exactly why we now have enough chicken noodle soup to feed a village. Soup for days!
Day 58 of isolation
Plonts. Lots of plonts. So many plonts. 2 more plonts coming in the mail soon! The hibiscus and lilac shrubbery I ordered some 2 or 3 weeks ago get here on day 59.
I’m super excited about this situation I’ve found myself in.
Day 59 of isolation
The hibiscus and lilac bushes aren’t here yet.
But
To no one’s real surprise my wife caved, with minimal effort on my part, and let me buy the blueberry bush I’ve been eyeing.
Ok so I’m asexual and yet I need an open marriage?
I’ve touched on this a couple times, but I might as well complete the series with this.
See, when I fall, it’s for who a person is. Their personality. Character traits. Inner being and beauty. As such, I tend to fall for my closest friends, especially if I white knight them. Now, as I’ve gotten older I’ve done this less and less because I’ve learned that more often than not it’s a BPD reaction, and not true love. Oh, I mean I truly love the friend, but I’m not in love with them. However, when I’m caught off guard, and I’m not happy with Pat, which happens in a marriage with two mentally ill people, I tend to deny to myself that I’m only white knighting someone, and throw my marriage to the dogs to try to be with them.
By opening the marriage, I’m less apt to sacrifice what I have with Pat, and more apt to listen to his logic and reason. The logic and reason of someone who knows me all too well and isn’t emotionally attached to the person I think I love. If I do fool around some, it’s within the guidelines of the marriage. Though, this happens less than you think. However, asexual or not…
I’ve never found myself to be much of anything. So when someone pays me the right kind of attention when I’m at my lowest point, I tend to, I don’t know, want to please them. And how do men want pleased?
There is one, and only one, noted exception to this. One case that is true love and not BPD love for me. (Besides Pat, I mean.) And while the rules of the marriage being open are actually a case by case basis, this person will always be the exception. He is the man that… when I think of him my chest tightens. I can’t breath. He is this man. He was a close friend I really did fall for. True love because he is beautiful. The most beautiful soul you could ever hope to meet and trustworthy with a fragile heart. He cares about me more than just about anyone ever has, and it’s always been for the sake of caring about me, not to get anything out of it, except maybe mutual caring.
Aside from him, really, I don’t know that I care to be out there with my heart or sex life. I don’t feel the need for an open marriage on my end, because no one else outside of my marriage can compare to “him”.
Meanwhile I’m also participating in an open marriage because in the event of Pat’s lady being in town, I honestly want him to be able to be with her. I recognize that she can take care of some of his needs that I can’t. Being asexual and all.
Either way, this isn’t all so I can sleep around. I don’t do that and never have. I have no opinion on others who do/have. It’s just not who I am and therefore not why my marriage is open. I’m too asexual for that. But I’m also too BPD to not need an escape hatch that doesn’t cut me off from my marriage.
I’m done hurting my marriage for stupid ass BPD white knights when Pat would rather I just flirt and get it out of my system anyway. Besides, for all the white knights I’ve had, I’ve only slept with 2 of them in 31 years. (This isn’t counting Pat whom wasn’t BPD love but was indeed my only other documented case of true love.) The other one I actually dated for a couple of years before Pat and before I realized what an ass he was.
There is of course a downside to the match made in the stars, that is Pat and I. Can you guess it? Ah yes. I’m asexual and he is not.
Now, to be fair to me I am Asexual-grey so I do feel a sexual attraction to my husband, but my sex drive itself is hit and miss. More than he’d prefer, that’s for sure. I can’t blame him. He is a fully functioning sexual being. There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but it can complicate romantic relationships where the other person isn’t also asexual.
So, he works on patience with me and learns what can trigger my sexual appetite. Not to take advantage of me, but to broach the subject. He has always taken no for an answer. Always. Him trying to tempt me is never abusive nor nearing anything that could hint at rape. However, he also knows that a 20$ or even a 10$ handed to me to go treat myself to books usually makes me very thankful. I mean, if you’re going to buy my affections, books is the only way to do so. Or maybe shoes. But no. Pat is the only one that can pull off that trick without receiving a throat punch.
In addition, I work on evaluating my situation. Am I horny? Yes? Have sex. No? Ok, well does the thought repulse me? Yes? Don’t have sex. No? Consider having sex. I don’t have to be OMG IN THE MOOD to be willing to show physical affection to my husband. I just have to be willing to show physical affection. In a sexual way. There are various degrees of compromise; and sometimes we start and I’m just not into it, can’t get into it, so we stop.
But if he is willing to be patient, I’m willing to try for sexual more often. I don’t find it degrading or him being disrespectful. If he refused to acknowledge my lack of sexuality or pressured me into it when I’ve said no, that would be an insult. This isn’t even me caving to my wifely duty. This is me loving my husband. And sometimes I agree to love him physically even if I think I’d be ok never having sex again. When it comes down to it, well, if nothing else, it’s great exercise, and it’s safe as we’re both clean, can’t get pregnant, and in love.
That doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating for him at times that I can’t keep up with his desires.
For the record, this is one reason I suggested (didn’t agree to but suggested) an open marriage. Granted, he only has one woman at this time he’d consider being with aside from me, and she isn’t local. Should he meet someone local, we’ll reassess. Mostly because I’d need to trust her and her intentions with my husband. His unicorn, as we call our outside of the marriage loves, would never ever hurt me in being with him. So I can trust them both fully, and this is essential.
By trying to put logic to this subject, you’re trying to put logic to BPD. And I ask you: Would this site even need to exist if you could put logic to BPD? All I know is that this is what 11 years of trial and error with my husband has led to.
I think what I’m mostly looking for is a best friend. One I’m not married to, that I sleep with from time to time. Because my BPD will screw things up with Pat if I don’t sleep with them. And I’ll start to feel trapped with Pat if I can’t sleep with them. N would have been perfect if he wasn’t so damaged. I need someone who isn’t damaged like Pat and I. Who doesn’t understand why I am the way I am but accepts me as I am anyway . I need that. That was T. He had no understanding of BPD, just knew I was damaged but saw me as special in a beautiful way. Pat accept me as me because he can relate. That is a beautiful acceptance and one I will never again let go of. Pat understands fully and goes into this with knowledge. Please don’t ever underestimate that importance. His importance. Right now with J and S and A and M and T and N* I’m looking for a friend first. A best friend. Who I will yes, probably sleep with. That does not take from Pat’s importance, but Pat can’t take from their importance either. I need both, not quite equally. 60/40. Pat gets the 60.
*I am not, I repeat NOT sleeping with all those people, nor will I. They are people who have come in and out of my life over the past, in one case, 2 years. Some of them are still around, others not, others barely. They are all people I’ve come upon in my quest for friendship. Also, I’m looking for friendship, not a fuck buddy. I’m just well aware that at this point in my life I need to ability to sleep with my best friend because they can make my BPD feel special in a way no one else can. Not to be confused with making me, Karen, feel special. Only Pat has full capabilities there. That’s why he’s the only one whom was allowed to put a ring on it. And the ring is back on.
