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When Sexualities Collide

Sexuality and BPD and marriageThere is of course a downside to the match made in the stars, that is Pat and I.  Can you guess it?  Ah yes.  I’m asexual and he is not.

Now, to be fair to me I am Asexual-grey so I do feel a sexual attraction to my husband, but my sex drive itself is hit and miss.  More than he’d prefer, that’s for sure.  I can’t blame him.  He is a fully functioning sexual being.  There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but it can complicate romantic relationships where the other person isn’t also asexual.

So, he works on patience with me and learns what can trigger my sexual appetite.  Not to take advantage of me, but to broach the subject.  He has always taken no for an answer.  Always.  Him trying to tempt me is never abusive nor nearing anything that could hint at rape.  However, he also knows that a 20$ or even a 10$ handed to me to go treat myself to books usually makes me very thankful.  I mean, if you’re going to buy my affections, books is the only way to do so.  Or maybe shoes.  But no.  Pat is the only one that can pull off that trick without receiving a throat punch.

In addition, I work on evaluating my situation.  Am I horny?  Yes?  Have sex.  No?  Ok, well does the thought repulse me?  Yes?  Don’t have sex.  No?  Consider having sex.  I don’t have to be OMG IN THE MOOD to be willing to show physical affection to my husband.  I just have to be willing to show physical affection.  In a sexual way.  There are various degrees of compromise; and sometimes we start and I’m just not into it, can’t get into it, so we stop.

But if he is willing to be patient, I’m willing to try for sexual more often.  I don’t find it degrading or him being disrespectful.  If he refused to acknowledge my lack of sexuality or pressured me into it when I’ve said no, that would be an insult.  This isn’t even me caving to my wifely duty.  This is me loving my husband.  And sometimes I agree to love him physically even if I think I’d be ok never having sex again.  When it comes down to it, well, if nothing else, it’s great exercise, and it’s safe as we’re both clean, can’t get pregnant, and in love.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating for him at times that I can’t keep up with his desires.

For the record, this is one reason I suggested (didn’t agree to but suggested) an open marriage.  Granted, he only has one woman at this time he’d consider being with aside from me, and she isn’t local.  Should he meet someone local, we’ll reassess.  Mostly because I’d need to trust her and her intentions with my husband.  His unicorn, as we call our outside of the marriage loves, would never ever hurt me in being with him.  So I can trust them both fully, and this is essential.

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