Pat

My Identity

Posted on by kmarrs

It’s been a while since I discussed my identity on here. And there have been some updates as I’ve grown into one label, and out of another.

I am very much nonbinary and working towards transitioning. I will be legally changing my name to Max, if not Maximum. We’re getting new scrubs at work and my new scrubs will have Max on them in place of my dead name. (Remind me to post why that’s possible next.) I am working towards getting a massive breast reduction, though probably not complete top surgery. Hopefully, with my history of neck, shoulder, and back pain, my insurance will cover the reduction. I’m not sure how much I care to transition beyond that. I already have short hair and don’t wear makeup. I live in scrubs, which are gender-neutral. I’m not really interested in hrt. So I think I’ll be done after the name change and the surgery.

The one thing that has changed is my sexuality. While I still identify as ace, but that’s more based on sex repulsion due to an OCD hangup with body fluids than whether I’m actually sexually attracted to people. When I opened my mind to that, I realized that I’m just not really into men. But strong women with swords? Make me weak. I also like femme women. Really just any women. So I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a whole ass lesbian. Which, now that I know, I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize this.

What about Pat? Well, for starters, they don’t go by Pat anymore. We’re sorting out what to call them when. But also, I knew 15 years ago that I was marrying a woman. It just… hadn’t really been acknowledged more than just on the surface level. However, part of my spouse’s midlife crisis involved a huge gender crisis. I won’t toss out labels because they are still evolving sometimes on a daily basis even, as new ones are tried on to see what fits, but wherever this lands, I assure you I can be attracted to my spouse and be a huge lesbian.

So I guess that’s where things stand for now. I’m pretty comfortable with my new labels and I don’t see them changing again. But, that’s what I said last time.

Time to Talk About Pat

Posted on by kmarrs

In 2018, Pat made the decision to undergo bariatric surgery. Our insurance was willing to pay for it, as he was heavy enough and then some, and it would overall save on health care costs because weight loss would make him healthier overall. However, he had a million and a half hoops to jump through.

So he started jumping and jumping. I won’t go into all the appointments and what all was tested. That’s his story, not mine.

But.

In late May of 2019, Pat went under the knife and had the majority of his stomach removed in a procedure that’s known as a sleeve.

It’s not almost 2 months later and Pat is back on his feet, healthier than he has been, and down a decent chunk of weight, with more to come.

You can see in the loose skin how much he has already lost. A fact he’s self-conscious about because the skin just sort of sags and hangs there. But it’s normal for weight loss like he’s going through. And when I see the loose skin I see a tremendous amount of effort (he had to completely change his diet and relearn his eating habits as a part of this) and success.

Next up, after he reaches his target weight, is skin removal, which insurance will also pay for. Two body parts at a time, over the span of like 18 months. I may be off on that last part.

Anyway, I’m really proud of Pat. His energy levels are up and he seems happier with himself in general. While I never cared how much he weighed, I am thrilled to see the quality of his life improve. That means the world to me.

The Walking the Borderline Weekender

Posted on by kmarrs

Walking the Borderline Blog BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

I think one of my favorite things about the new house is the yard and neighborhood around it.  My desk backs up to 3 floor to ceiling windows offering me an easy view of the entire backyard and a chunk of the hood.

In relation to this, my 3-year-old is getting to spread her freedom wings a lot earlier than her siblings were allowed to.  With a view of the back yard in front of my, and the back door to my immediate right, she’s able to play out there with me watching from my desk.  She has no interest in leaving the backyard, because let’s face it, it’s a kick-ass backyard.  It’s safe out there, in a way that reminds me of growing up in the 80’s.

It’s kind of awesome to watch her explore her (controlled) freedom.

 

This week in my store:

  • Caticorn Travel Mug
  • Caticorn Temporary Tattoos

Profits from my store go towards supporting my family.

Speaking of my store, you can find a link to the WTBL new items up along the top. It’ll take you here. I actually own the pink shirt. No joke, I love it! All items in the WTBL store are great ways to support the blog and my family at the same time!

 

Quote of the week:

Sammy: But why can’t I wear the other dress?

Me: Because it’s your special occasion dress.

Sammy: Like going to the doctor?

Me: No… Like Christmas.

 

In closing, this realization:

My husband is an ass.  I was actually out cold at a reasonable hour and he turned on the lights and shook me awake because he was alarmed I was wearing clothes.  I was wearing clothes because I had literally fallen face forward into bed and passed the fuck out because of how tired I was at like 7PM.

 

The Walking the Borderline Weekender

Posted on by kmarrs

Walking the Borderline Blog BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

This weekend, for my anniversary, my mom has all 3 kids, and we have gotten rid of my brother-in-law.  So Pat and I have the house to ourselves.  We have big plans!

Sleep.

Well, no.  I mean yes, but no.  I’ll probably play Magic the Gathering with him.  Maybe I can talk him into a board game or a movie.  We’re broke but we don’t need to go anywhere.

I am going to use some quiet time to write.  And I have a pile of books to finish.  Our house is never quiet so I’m just going to enjoy it.  With my husband of 12 years.

 

Quote of the week:

This ramble brought to you my 11-year-old, Thomas.

A button!  I want to push the button!  I like pushing buttons!  They are fun!  Except dad’s buttons.  Those aren’t fun to push. … Or yours.  Those buttons aren’t fun either.

 

In closing, this realization:

I currently have more library books, then some people own total.  And that saddens me.  I don’t understand people who don’t read.  I don’t understand people who don’t own any books at all.  I’m not saying you have to have hundreds of books.  Not even dozens.  I understand owning just your favorites and borrowing the rest.  I don’t understand not having favorites.  How can you not have a favorite book?

12 Years! Borderline Personality Disorder and Marriage

Posted on by kmarrs

Marriage and BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

See that scruffy looking nerf herder? I’ve been married to him for 12 years as of tomorrow!

I know! He’s put up with my shit for 12 years!  I shouldn’t be so hard on myself as I’ve put up with his shit just as long, but since just today I broke 2 of his toes by rolling over them with my desk chair while he leaned in to hug me, I would like to present him with the award for most patience.

I also really love this photo of him.  I think it captures his angelic essence.

(Look how green his eyes are!  I love them so much!  I love him so much!  Here is to hoping for another dozen plus more years of being able to look into those eyes!)

 

Baby Fever

Posted on by kmarrs

It’s fairly well documented that I get baby fever something fierce when my youngest is about 3 years old.  Sure enough, my kids are basically 4 years apart, currently 11, 7, and 3.

You guessed it; OMG do I have the fever!  Like you wouldn’t believe.

Now, this is obviously the worst time ever to have a baby and I already have three, so… no.  No more babies especially not right now!  (No self, no!)  Luckily, I’m fixed. Follow that link.  It sums up nicely why a 4th baby is right out.  That and my pregnancy with Sambam nearly killed me.  There is an entire category that gives you the play by play there.

So Pat does what Pat does, and he took my to the pet store.  I have to say, the entire trip and purchase, because of course there was a purchase, was 100% his idea meaning he can’t even get upset at me for it.  In fact, he thanked me!  He freakin’ thanked me for allowing him to bring a furbaby into the house.  If that isn’t BPD manipulation, I don’t know what is.  I’ve only wanted one of these forever.

So, meet Sweet Pea.  Named because she is as sweet as sugar, and because she peed all over my husband in the early hours of joining the family.  (We didn’t have her home/potty set up yet and there had been a car ride.)

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Also, as I’ve bitched about money on here in the past few months, it’s worth stating the following:

  • All bills are paid up to date.
  • Kids have new and a responsible amount of clothing for the coming season.
  • We have all material needs, and some wants, met and recently.
  • David, my brother-in-law who lives here, just found a job and all the above should remain true for the foreseeable future.
  • Babies cost more than we spent on Sweet Pea.
  • She has my husband trained to snuggle her when she whines at him.
  • My heart is full of glee.