I had a shitty day today. Today I found out I’m not eligible for short term disability coverage at work. Why? Not enough hours worked on a weekly average. Why? Well there a two parts to this. Part A, yes I accept blame I’ve gone home early a few too many times. Part B, most of those weeks I wasn’t scheduled for the required 37.5 hours to begin with. Back when I was required to work 40hrs a week I had a drive to get it done. I had a job and benefits to keep. But I’m no longer salary, I’m hourly and I have no hour requirement. So now I’m being scheduled anywhere from 25-35 hours a week. Meanwhile my drive is broken. My boss came to me awhile back about a confidence problem I seem to have at work. I’m not sure how it happened but it’s true. A year ago I thought I was the shit and everyone knew it. That was my lab and I ran it efficiently and happily. Now everything is falling apart. I think my mental health has a part in that. But my mental health also feeds off the atmosphere around me. Meaning, if others for whatever reason show lack of confidence, I lose my confidence.

I’d give anything to go back a year into time and start over.

I’d fight like tooth and nail to keep my 40hrs a week when they started slipping.

I’d never have gone into the hospital. I know I needed hospitalized, I also knew we couldn’t afford for me to do it right. I needed something more long term than the 5 days I got. Meanwhile I was out of work for two weeks (I was ready to go back after a week, my boss kept me out the second week.) and those two weeks are still kicking out asses. We are currently dealing with 300$ electric bills in part because we missed two months worth of electric that we are paying back over the next few months. Why 2 months? Well the first was because we missed a round of bills while I was hospitalized. The second was us paying catchup on everything else so electric got screwed over twice.

I’m trying really hard to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. Christmas season is coming up and I’ll be working 40-50 hours a week, where I’ll be so busy the time will fly. Money will be flying in and we can get caught back up. I don’t know how we’ll afford presents this year, but then I say that every year and we always do.

I’m still trying to figure out winter clothes for Thomas and the days are already starting to cool off. My mom said she’d help with that but her second job isn’t doing so well this month so I don’t know how she’ll afford to.

I’m in panic mode.