Finances and BPD

So I’m adopting a not entirely new member of my family into my household in early 2020.

Posted on by kmarrs

So there is a Tumblr user who will go unnamed for their own safety that I’ve been an adopted mom to for a while.  They live in a shitty situation with their parents and are a constant victim to all sorts of abuse with no easy way out.  Also, please note that they are 20 so what I’m about to do is legal.  However, being an adult doesn’t always make leaving any easier.

I consider this person to be like a daughter to me.  A daughter of my heart if not my blood.  You know how found families are.  They are a core member of my friend group and over time they’ve revealed more and more details of the abuse they suffer to the group.

I finally reached my breaking point and with their consent, the whole group is now in rescue mode with me playing a central role.

First I need a new job that pays a living wage, which I’m looking for no matter what anyway.  I’m about to graduate, this is the next step in my life.  But with that living wage, I should be able to sort my finances and make it so I’m no longer dependent on my mother.  This is key.  I can’t initiate the plan if my mom is giving me a few hundred dollars a month to support my family.  I don’t currently have a death wish.

Anyway with finances in a better position, and a tax return in hand to fund the trip, in early March I’m making the 12 hour drive to a state I won’t identify (actually my mom is driving me in her car because I’m a horrible driver and my own car is guaranteed to not survive this trip, bless its soul) we’re packing my found daughter up, and bringing her home with me.  All while her parents are at work so we have no resistance.  (A note will be left and the local police will be notified that this is a rescue and they are not missing, just leaving a bad situation.)

Once back in Ohio they will live with me as long as they need to get on their feet and establish their life as an adult, just like I will allow my other 3 kids.  I don’t see a difference.  It won’t be the most ideal living situation as quarters are cramped.  But they’ve declared it much better than their current situation.  So that’s something at least.

My friend group is working out the logistics of this plan.  Everything from where I can rent a little cargo trailer and a trailer hitch, to making sure they can finish their current degree and move on to the next, to health insurance, to getting them in therapy the second we’re back in Ohio.

My immediate family is on board with this.  Pat is a little more resigned than excited.  But Pat understands who they married and how I am.  My purpose in life is to rescue those in need with whatever power I have.  That, and I’ve been talking for years about being done having kids, but wanting to foster older kids and give them a loving family once we’re financially stable and the kids are grown.  This is about 10 years sooner than I had in mind, and it’s an adult we’re fostering.  But hey.  This is the path I’ve been led down.

Sammy is super excited to have a big “sister”.  The boys are accepting.  Lucas is hesitant but he’s autistic and is really hesitant with any strangers.  He’ll be fine.  He has 8 months to warm up to it.  Most importantly, while I’m aware of his stranger danger tendencies, he’ll at no point be in any danger so trust will be built.

Mom is hesitant but also on board enough to drive me 12 hours and back to make this happen.  You know how mom’s can/should be.  Cautiously supportive.

So yeah, that’s what I’m up to these days when not studying.

Can You Spare Some Change?

Posted on by kmarrs

Let’s face it, I’m broke. I’m working fewer hours than I used to while I finish up this degree. It’s hurting our ability to pay bills. Heck, I haven’t worked enough hours to pay bills in years, while working towards this degree, but it’s gotten worse! Additionally, while we do get food stamps, feeding all 5 of us is no small expense. Now that the kids are out of school for the summer, they are no longer getting free breakfast and lunch. I would literally do about anything to feed my family. That includes asking for tips.

Tips?

Yes. I have a Ko-Fi page. I’m asking that if you find value in my blog? Or maybe learned from me?  Or you understand BPD a little better because of me?  And you want to show your appreciation?  Consider leaving me  Ko-Fi tip!  Even just 3$ can help out food on the table and keep my electric on!

The link/button is on the top left of this blog, but I’m going to provide it again right here.

Anything you send will go directly to bills and food.

And I thank you! As do my parents as they are the ones currently picking up the slack. If I can lift some of the burdens by being paid to blog about BPD, that would be amazing.

I’m done trying to run ads. They are intrusive and irrelevant. But if I’m doing good and providing a service, then I feel it’s valid asking for tips.

The donations are in 3$ increments. The idea is it’s the equivalent of buying me a coffee, even if I don’t actually drink coffee anymore.

Dark Place

Posted on by kmarrs

I’m currently in a very dark place.  Money just got super tight.  Tighter than it’s been in a very long time and I’m terrified.

Plus school is currently kicking my ass.  Though my current class is about to be over.  I just have to watch a few more educational video, read one more chapter, and then write a paper.  Oh yeah.  And take a test worth 20% of my final grade.  *sigh*  I’m just super stressed.

After this class comes a management class.  I have not actually looked at it yet.  But it is the standard form.  No tests, just papers and most likely a group project.  I’m still at a point in my life where that is stressful, but it’s less stressful than this current class and I’m use to that format.  Most of the classes at my school don’t test.

After that class, which is 6 weeks long and ends December 12, I’ll have about 8 weeks off from classes.  That will be a much needed and welcomed break.  2 of those weeks will also be a vacation from work.  Won’t help the money situation any, but the entire university shuts down over the holidays, so I have no choice.  We’ll just have to make the best of it.  I do need the vacation, so that’s good at least.  I just hope the stress of losing more income, doesn’t outweigh the relaxation of a vacation.

So overall mental health wise… I have goals in life so I’m not actively suicidal.  But I would very much like to just curl up into a little ball and sleep until the world is a better and kinder place.

Also I miss my old cat that use to catch flies mid air and eat them.  I don’t… I can’t live with cats because they drive me crazy, but this fly is driving me crazier.  And it’s just… I’m already on the brink of a total mental breakdown, I don’t really need a fly pushing me over the edge.

But there you have it.

How can you help?

See the links to my books over in the left hand side?  Every little bit of additional income helps me out.  So consider purchasing one or both.  Alphabet Antics especially makes a great gift for the 2-5-year-old bracket.  That’s straight up money towards my rent and bills.  Never before has rent been in jeopardy, but starting now, it is.

Administrative Assistant

Posted on by kmarrs

Well, I’ve had my final interview and assuming I get a car sometime in the very near future, the job is mine!

To say I’m excited doesn’t even begin to cover it.  This is a step on the path towards my dream job.  Hell, it is my still-in-school dream job.  So yes, I’m very super excited.

I just need to get a car.  And that is proving to be more of a challenge than it should be.  The IRS is giving us a hassle so I might have to wait until my school money hits.  Which is fine, but that’s later than my projected start date.  I have no means of working until I have a car, and now I may not have a car until mid March.  I had told them, before the IRS hassle began, that I should be able to start by March 1.

I’m fairly certain I’m the only one that applied and I know the job is mine, but I’m not having an overly professional beginning and it would be within their right to take back the offer.

I just… I’m tired.  I want this job.  I need this job.  I need a car.

Emergency Car Repairs

Posted on by kmarrs

Borderline Personality DIsorder and Trouble with FinancesNow that I’m back on insurance, I’m back to reducing what stressors I can one-by-one.  And we’ve come upon a big one.  We’ve come upon me needing to beg for help.

Greetings,

My family car is in dire need of repairs.  We have just the one and the gas tank has a leak, the catalytic converter fell off, the muffler fell off, the front bumper is being held on by zip ties, and it could use standard maintenance like plugs, an oil change, tire replacement/alignment, etc.  We’ve discussed selling/junking it and getting a newer/better car, but we still owe $5,000 on it so we are sort of really stuck.  (Not to mention we wouldn’t get enough from the car to cover a newer/better on even without the loan.)

Now I’d like to introduce you to my household and our economic standing.  So that you can see why getting this car properly running will take a miracle.

My name is Karen and I’m disabled.  I have fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, clinical depression, and general anxiety.  The federal government doesn’t feel I’m overly disabled, however, so they are not paying my SSI.  That is their choice and yes I’ve fought it, but at the time I couldn’t prove I’d be unable to work for a t least a year.  Whatever.  I started taking the time away from work to focus on my education.  When all is said and done I’ll have a Psy.D. and a mountain of debt.  However, I’ll have a career that I will love and will allow that debt to be manageable.  Then a month ago I found out that my sister has about a month to live if she doesn’t get a needed liver transplant.  Now I can’t even focus on school.  Most days I can’t get out of bed.  I’m too depressed, stressed, and there just aren’t enough spoons.  So I don’t even have left over financial aid to put towards the house bills.

My husband of 12 years, Pat, is legally disabled and we do have his SSI.  His income from it is steady, but it’s fixed.  It isn’t like he can work extra hours or pick up a second job.  His SSI is enough to cover most of our rent.

Our immediate family includes our 3 kids aged 3-11.  Healthy, beautiful, needing in nothing, not wanting for too much.  We give them just enough that they don’t feel poor, but not so much that we’re irresponsible with the budget.

Our household is completed with my brother-in-law, David.  David it also legally disabled and his SSI is almost enough to pay the bills, though we usually have to juggle things or borrow from my mom.  When I do get loan money, I’m able to pay the difference.  David, who is the healthiest of the three and wanting to work, is on the hunt for a job.  This will help the rest of the way with bills, help with the car payment, and allow a budget allotment for things like toilet paper, cleaning supplies, and other little necessities.

As you can see we are broke/poor as it is and not all of our needs get met.  Even after Dave gets a job, things will improve but our car is a ticking time bomb to possible literally explode on us, what with it dripping gasoline.  Not to mention we’re wasting gas from every fill-up.

But as it’s our only car, and the bus system out where we are is rubbish, we have little choice but to drive it.  Even if we’re only going to the grocery store, doctor appointments, and to the hospital to visit my dying sister, we need this car and we need it running.

So I’m literally begging for help.

I invite you to read more about me here: https://www.walkingtheborderline.com/

And to shop my store here:  .  I only get about 10% of each sale though, so if you want to directly support, and don’t mind not having something to show for it, donating directly to “GoFundMe” is the best bet.  I won’t turn away a new customer, however, as my store rocks and every bit counts always.

Thank you.

Those are the direct words from my GoFundMe page. Please take a moment, if you are able, to hop over there and maybe consider donating to a worthy cause? I’m desperate.