5 Years

Right now, after 9 really long, hard years, things are finally really starting to look brighter.  It’s been a constant battle to be where we are and even so, there is much room to improve.  So while I gladly accept what progress we’ve made, here is what I would like to see happen in 5 years.

In 5 years, we hope to be where we were aiming for all along.

In 5 years, our youngest will be on a bus headed to school each morning, and not returning until that afternoon.  A fact I’m in denial about because OMG MAH BABY but, this will allow Pat those hours to do what he wants to do.  Instead of putting full energy into kids, he will be able to focus on home more like he wants.  (He does awesome I want to add.  There is still only so much he can do.  The kids are the primary focus.  As they should be.)

In 5 years, with the kids gone during the day, Pat can focus on writing.  For years he’s wanted to start and work on a project.  He’ll have that chance.  The home can wait. ;)

In 5 years, we will be in our home.  However this current house hunt, and whose name the loan is in turns out, we will have taken it over by then.  Or gotten a different place fully in our name start to finish.  We will have properly paid back Jesse whatever we end up owing him from this process.  And we will be putting money towards our mortgage, not someone else’s.  Jesse is wonderful, awesome, beyond words.  But I don’t want to be indebted to him for the life span of a 30 year loan.  I will be indebted to him soul to soul for eternity, but I don’t choose for money to be involved longer than is necessary.  We could not do this for another 5 years without him.  We need to do it now.  He is graciously making it happen.  I will never stop being thankful.  In 5 years, things can be switched around and we’ll be, not even because there is that soul debt, but financially I hope to be square.  Besides, then he can turn around, buy yet another house, and make an investment killing.

In 5 years, I will be somewhere in my career.  I can’t say where because my path is unclear, but I don’t see that as a bad thing.  An opportunity to take a not previously known path will appear in the next few years, I will take a chance, and it will be glorious.  But I won’t know that path until I reach it.  And I am enjoying the stroll along the way.  There are lots of violets along side this trail.

In 5 years, school will be further along.  Honestly?  I don’t hope to have much beyond half a year’s worth done.  I don’t choose to rush it because I’m enjoying my kids while I can and focusing on work.  But I’ll get there.  And in 5 years I will be further along.  I have to be further along.  At the very least, I hope to have my master plan further defined.  2-year business management followed by a 4-year economics is still looking mighty grand, but how long ago was it that I was planning photography? Then, math/English/combo shot?  Then psychology?  And while all of those still sounds so perfect for my spirit and feeding my soul, I have to look at what will pay the bills, and what I can finish before I retire, not after.(Economics would do that AND still feed my soul.)  So for now the plan is the 2-year management followed by the 4-year economics.  But, 5 years from now is a ways away.

In 5 years, this diagnosis bull-shit with my boys will be out of the way.  Or at least for this stage of their life.  I don’t expect perfection, I just want a better family dynamic and better learning and growing opportunities for them.

Random Bits of Random

We have Christmas figured out. Well the gifts anyways. I still don’t know how we’re affording it. We’ll pull something out of our asses. We always do.

Jesse is teaching me how to count in binary on my fingers. I can get to 31 easy peasy lemon squeezy. It’s all 5 fingers on the right hand. Past that comes in a second hand and that’s where I start to sweat. The hard past is remembering with finger by itself is which value. From there it’s all pattern and fast addition. I will have this all memorized. Just give me time and this web site. Supposedly you can get to 1023. I’ll be happy counting to 50, maybe 100 if I get bored. I don’t have the patience required to get much higher than that.

I’m a geek in disguise. Ok, not really but kinda sorta. My key chain is a laptop hard drive. Jesse made it for me. Guess who hasn’t ever lost her keys, since it was made. Left them behind, yes, but lost, no.

So I was in an accident last week. I know I already blogged that part but I didn’t really go into detail how bad it was. I kinda wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. In the process of hitting the curb, I went up and over it. I shredded 2 tires, bent two rims, bent the alignment, broke the break housing lose, and something about the shocks. Is my car still drivable? Well, only because we don’t really have much choice. We need a car. Fixing it is more than we can afford and more money than the car is worth. We have put so much money into the car already and it isn’t worth it to put more into it. What we need to do is get a new car. Something that will hold multiple children. A mini van is what we really need. And if we get the tax return we are suppose to I think we’re going to try and make that happen. If not we’ll have to get the car fixed. If we don’t get any tax return, like my downer father is predicting, we’ll pretty much be screwed. He thinks we are already getting our EIC in my paychecks. If that were the case my checks would be larger and there would be a line in there about the EIC. It isn’t listed. I know they aren’t withholding anything so we won’t be getting anything back there, but we should still be getting our EIC.

So I didn’t confess how the accident happened in earlier mentioning of it either. In truth, I was too tired to be driving. It was 8:30 in the morning. I was fighting to stay awake. And losing the battle more than I care to admit. Did I actually fall asleep? No. Was I too close? Yes. And this wasn’t a 1 time offense. You’ll be happy to know that the problem has been solved. Pat is now taking me to work every morning. I explained the problem to him and he readily agreed. It puts more miles on the dying car and burns twice as much gas, but next time could have meant my life.

I have a really hard time waking up in the morning. I sleep through alarm clocks and it take literally a couple of hours, sometimes, for me to become fully functional. I blame my meds. I’m sure the Ambien doesn’t help. I can’t get restful sleep without it. I’m a zombie every morning regardless, basically. Either it’s because I didn’t sleep or because I took a sleep aid. One of the two effects ware off with time.

So I’m not sure but I think I’m getting my dot com for Christmas. What that means is, this web address for this blog will be changing. What I need to find out is will the current address direct you to the new one once the change is made? I honestly don’t know. It’s all being done through blogger so it’s quite possible but I can’t be positive till I read it for sure either way. The new address will be www.walkingtheborderline.com. I’m really excited. (EDIT: “Your original Blog*Spot address will automatically forward to your new domain. That way, any existing links or bookmarks to your site will still work.” Oh good, I don’t have to worry about losing readers in the change.)

I had therapy today. Group and individual. Individual was harder than usual because I wasn’t in a very talkative mood. I’m not sure why. I also didn’t have anything major to talk about aside from the accident. We discussed it and then from there not much of anything. We still talked some but I’m sure she felt like she was pulling teeth trying to get words from me. I should apologize next week. Why do I feel like therapy should be perfect? Why do I feel like I should have to be the model patient? I’m not saying I want to throw temper tantrums and storm out. I’ve seen it happen in group, and that’s just not me. But why do I feel like I have to be perfect? People with BPD have a rep of being difficult to work with in therapy. If the worst I give my therapist is not being talkative once in awhile, then in the end I think I was good enough. Part of me feels that not being talkative would be a waste of her and my time. Another part of me is chiming in saying, “No wait this just means she’s seeing you depressed. Isn’t she suppose to see this side of you?” Now I don’t know what to think.

In closing I would like to inform you all that in finger binary the number 4 is the middle finger on the right hand, and just the middle finger. And on that note, goodnight.

Jesse and Luke

This started out as a comment to my mom on my photo blog. She commented on the pics where Luke and our family friend Jesse were sitting on the sofa together. the comment itself was regarding how Luke was looking at Jesse with adoration.

Luke hero worships Jesse. And since he’s still little and cute, Jesse adores him right back.

Jesse has known Luke since the plan to try and conceive was first talked about between me and Pat.

Jesse is teaching Luke, and Thomas too, all sorts of neat things like “fireball”. He’ll be the one to teach Luke all the things Pat and I wish he didn’t know.

Luke was named for Jesse. His middle name is Jay. Jesse’s nickname is J.

Jesse and Luke are Jesse and Luke. Jesse has earned the title Uncle Jesse and Luke loves his uncle Jesse.

Your Vote Is Needed

Karen: Jesse you are a tie breaker
you are the person who decides who is normal and who is fucked up. Are you ready for this?
can you handle the power?
are you even there?
Sent at 9:14 PM on Thursday

Jesse: Wat

Karen: ok

when you get a song stuck in your head is it being sung in your voice -OR- is it being sung in the artist’s voice with musical accompaniment and all?

Jesse: The way I last heard the song

Karen: so you hear the artist’s voice and the background music?

Jesse: Yep

Karen: wow

same as Pat sorta
it makes the vote even again

Jesse: Lol

Karen: when you didn’t answer right away I asked my mom and she said she hears the song in her voice, like me

Jesse: Nuts both of you lol

Karen: Pat currently has “my humps” being sung by Frank Sinatra with a 5 piece band backup, heavy on the trumpet, stuck in his head

both of us? try you and him!
you are the ones hearing voices not your own.
I’m going to have to take this to my blog, I think