First I tried to deny it happening. I decided that since her 6-month birthday would be Feb 30, and Feb 30 simply can never exist, she just would never turn 6 months. Like a time stop. Don’t make me get the Tardis!
But I have an analytical mind, just as much as it is creative, and as March 1 came and went, I couldn’t deny the truth. My baby is half way to being a year old. She is sitting, eating solids, and the goofiest girl of my life.
Then I remembered, oh hey, I’m suppose to be hitting bottom with postpartum depression right about now. Well then, if this is bottom than the top must be… I don’t even know because I’ve seen the bottom and this sure as hell isn’t it.
I’m not perfect. But perfect isn’t possible. I am human flesh and blood and as such, I have emotions. I have good days, I have bad. If my kids are tag teaming one another to push my buttons, I will get stressed and angry. But, I’m not finding myself that much angrier than those around me. And when I am sad, I’m not finding myself lingering in it. When I hurt, I find it easy to pull myself out of my pain.
Months ago I feared the sad, the angry, the hurt. I feared I was slipping back into the realms of BPD. Every tear was followed by more drawn on a fear that I was losing this new me I had found. Then the wiser ones in my life reminded me that everyone with emotions has bad days. I am not to worry if I have a sad moment, but instead should worry if they never happen.
So, not every angry outburst, or tear is a BPD moment. Some, simply, come with the flesh of life. I had not calculated that. And yet it seems so obvious.
Some are trying to figure out this new me. Where does she come from? Will she stay? Will she linger until the next swing pulls her away?
I only have some answers for you, and I wonder at the rest myself.
I know I have found love in my new job. I’ve said it before but I can’t say it enough. I feel respected, appreciated, and talented. I feel accomplished. I feel whole. There is much more I want to accomplish on this career path but I feel that while there is no immediate rush, my feet are firmly planted on the path I am meant to be on.
I am going back to school this summer. I am taking one class towards my business degree. Long run, while the full school picture is still developing, I am confident that no matter what, this business management degree is a good and strong foundation. From there I can add math, psychology, or go full business. But this degree is a start and I have time to decide the big picture while it’s under way. So I have confirmed my financing, saved myself a seat, and will take one step at a time starting again this summer.
My daughter. I try to put words to her but they seem inadequate. She is the most laid back baby you could hope to meet. Some babies cry when you put them to bed. She cries if you don’t. When she is tired, she gives her I’m ready cry and then you are good to lay her down, turn on her tunes, off the light and leave her be. Rarely will you hear from her before morning. In between sun rise and set she will tell you if she needs a nap, food or attention but in between she is content, happy and loving. 6 months in, even her youngest older brother is still fully smitten. She makes me laugh. She makes me cry. She makes me love.
The boys are my weakness. If anything were to pull me from this stable, it would be them. But we are working on it. Thomas is on the path to being diagnoses with ADHD and Luke is next. Thomas’ therapist has agreed to see Luke and the agency will do the diagnosis, we just have to get the process started. That takes time but it will happen.
My relationship with my husband, while I’m sure we’d both agree it has it’s moments, the vast majority of the time, we are very happy with one another. Happier than we’ve been in years. We are enjoying each other mentally, emotionally, and finally after years really and truly physically. I couldn’t be happier. I don’t ask for a rock free marriage. I just ask that we both work together to make our way over the bumps and are quick to grab hold of one another the moment we reach the other side. That’s all anyone should ask for. I look forward to growing old with him.
I look forward to growing old. With him, my family, and with me.