Archive for July, 2019

The Spectrum

Posted July 29, 2019 By kmarrs

Nothing is official. I refuse to be officially tested because I don’t want this on my permanent record. Unless and until a time comes that I need it there.

I had my suspicion that I’m autistic validated. Sort of. My therapist and I had a long conversation about it. We compared my symptoms with other issues like ADHD (which I have and they share symptoms, but they are also comorbid frequently), my history of trauma, and my attachment issues.

The general consensus is that if I went and got tested for autism, I would probably walk away with that diagnosis. However, it could also be because of the ADHD combined with the attachment issues, combined with my general mental health. So it’s hard to tell.

That said, I relate to heavily to the autistic community. When they talk about what it’s like to be autistic, I share the symptoms and experiences. To quote the meme: Big Mood.

I would be diagnosed autistic if I went for testing, though they wouldn’t be looking at my history of trauma.

So for now, I’m calling myself autistic. For simplicity’s sake. Because the symptoms are there. Because I fit the mold.

So yes, I’m autistic. It’s not just ADHD.

(The ADHD is, btw, confirmed and on the record.)

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Time to Talk About Pat

Posted July 22, 2019 By kmarrs

In 2018, Pat made the decision to undergo bariatric surgery. Our insurance was willing to pay for it, as he was heavy enough and then some, and it would overall save on health care costs because weight loss would make him healthier overall. However, he had a million and a half hoops to jump through.

So he started jumping and jumping. I won’t go into all the appointments and what all was tested. That’s his story, not mine.

But.

In late May of 2019, Pat went under the knife and had the majority of his stomach removed in a procedure that’s known as a sleeve.

It’s not almost 2 months later and Pat is back on his feet, healthier than he has been, and down a decent chunk of weight, with more to come.

You can see in the loose skin how much he has already lost. A fact he’s self-conscious about because the skin just sort of sags and hangs there. But it’s normal for weight loss like he’s going through. And when I see the loose skin I see a tremendous amount of effort (he had to completely change his diet and relearn his eating habits as a part of this) and success.

Next up, after he reaches his target weight, is skin removal, which insurance will also pay for. Two body parts at a time, over the span of like 18 months. I may be off on that last part.

Anyway, I’m really proud of Pat. His energy levels are up and he seems happier with himself in general. While I never cared how much he weighed, I am thrilled to see the quality of his life improve. That means the world to me.

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So there is a Tumblr user who will go unnamed for their own safety that I’ve been an adopted mom to for a while.  They live in a shitty situation with their parents and are a constant victim to all sorts of abuse with no easy way out.  Also, please note that they are 20 so what I’m about to do is legal.  However, being an adult doesn’t always make leaving any easier.

I consider this person to be like a daughter to me.  A daughter of my heart if not my blood.  You know how found families are.  They are a core member of my friend group and over time they’ve revealed more and more details of the abuse they suffer to the group.

I finally reached my breaking point and with their consent, the whole group is now in rescue mode with me playing a central role.

First I need a new job that pays a living wage, which I’m looking for no matter what anyway.  I’m about to graduate, this is the next step in my life.  But with that living wage, I should be able to sort my finances and make it so I’m no longer dependent on my mother.  This is key.  I can’t initiate the plan if my mom is giving me a few hundred dollars a month to support my family.  I don’t currently have a death wish.

Anyway with finances in a better position, and a tax return in hand to fund the trip, in early March I’m making the 12 hour drive to a state I won’t identify (actually my mom is driving me in her car because I’m a horrible driver and my own car is guaranteed to not survive this trip, bless its soul) we’re packing my found daughter up, and bringing her home with me.  All while her parents are at work so we have no resistance.  (A note will be left and the local police will be notified that this is a rescue and they are not missing, just leaving a bad situation.)

Once back in Ohio they will live with me as long as they need to get on their feet and establish their life as an adult, just like I will allow my other 3 kids.  I don’t see a difference.  It won’t be the most ideal living situation as quarters are cramped.  But they’ve declared it much better than their current situation.  So that’s something at least.

My friend group is working out the logistics of this plan.  Everything from where I can rent a little cargo trailer and a trailer hitch, to making sure they can finish their current degree and move on to the next, to health insurance, to getting them in therapy the second we’re back in Ohio.

My immediate family is on board with this.  Pat is a little more resigned than excited.  But Pat understands who they married and how I am.  My purpose in life is to rescue those in need with whatever power I have.  That, and I’ve been talking for years about being done having kids, but wanting to foster older kids and give them a loving family once we’re financially stable and the kids are grown.  This is about 10 years sooner than I had in mind, and it’s an adult we’re fostering.  But hey.  This is the path I’ve been led down.

Sammy is super excited to have a big “sister”.  The boys are accepting.  Lucas is hesitant but he’s autistic and is really hesitant with any strangers.  He’ll be fine.  He has 8 months to warm up to it.  Most importantly, while I’m aware of his stranger danger tendencies, he’ll at no point be in any danger so trust will be built.

Mom is hesitant but also on board enough to drive me 12 hours and back to make this happen.  You know how mom’s can/should be.  Cautiously supportive.

So yeah, that’s what I’m up to these days when not studying.

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The Job Hunt

Posted July 8, 2019 By kmarrs

Ok. So due to being a federal work-study, I’m officially out of a job as soon as I complete my final class on August 9th. Which is like a month away. So yikes!

I’ve already started the job search. Weeks ago by this point.

I’m looking for really most any entry-level position I can find in the business world that does not involve sales. My focus is on administrative assistant positions and entry-level human resources. But I’m fairly open. Again, as long as there are no sales involved.

I’m searching on my own via Zip Recruiter. However, I’m also working with a recruiter in an employment agency. She is confident she can find me something in the $15-20/hr pay range.

$15/hr is the minimum I can make, even full-time, in order to meet my financial obligations. I’m hyper aware that come February the government is going to come knocking wanting me to pay back $57k in loans. Now we’ll be able to work out an income-based payment plan, and might even be able to be forgiven for a chunk of it. But I’m not going to be able to avoid paying it off completely.

So that’s where I stand and what I’m up to besides work and school and family.

Also, just a quick tip: Zip recruiter makes it super easy to apply to like 50 jobs at once with just the click of 50 buttons. However, do not do this. This is the fast track to opening a portal to hell. So instead, aim for like 10-12 applications every week or two. Just trust me.

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Can You Spare Some Change?

Posted July 1, 2019 By kmarrs

Let’s face it, I’m broke. I’m working fewer hours than I used to while I finish up this degree. It’s hurting our ability to pay bills. Heck, I haven’t worked enough hours to pay bills in years, while working towards this degree, but it’s gotten worse! Additionally, while we do get food stamps, feeding all 5 of us is no small expense. Now that the kids are out of school for the summer, they are no longer getting free breakfast and lunch. I would literally do about anything to feed my family. That includes asking for tips.

Tips?

Yes. I have a Ko-Fi page. I’m asking that if you find value in my blog? Or maybe learned from me?  Or you understand BPD a little better because of me?  And you want to show your appreciation?  Consider leaving me  Ko-Fi tip!  Even just 3$ can help out food on the table and keep my electric on!

The link/button is on the top left of this blog, but I’m going to provide it again right here.

Anything you send will go directly to bills and food.

And I thank you! As do my parents as they are the ones currently picking up the slack. If I can lift some of the burdens by being paid to blog about BPD, that would be amazing.

I’m done trying to run ads. They are intrusive and irrelevant. But if I’m doing good and providing a service, then I feel it’s valid asking for tips.

The donations are in 3$ increments. The idea is it’s the equivalent of buying me a coffee, even if I don’t actually drink coffee anymore.

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