This ‘N’ That

Hello world. I’m still alive and kicking. It was a close one Friday. But here I am.

So yes, Friday. And Thursday. Both sucked. It was bad enough that I had to work until 1am Thursday into Friday, but then turning around and being back at work by 10am Friday was just evil. But I did it. I finally fell asleep around 4am on Friday morning. I then dragged myself out of bed at about 9am on Friday. I wouldn’t call my state of existence all day Friday pleasant, but I survived. The second busiest lane in the store, at that. It was just non stop.

But that’s not the only reason those two days sucked. Oh no, it never is.

See, the brakes on the van have been dying. We’ve known they needed replaced since we got the van last spring. We knew we had time, we figured we could get a year out of them, but we’ve known all along. The plan was to get a complete check-up for the van with this coming tax return. One of many plans for the tax return. Well, about a week ago the brakes on the front right started grinding. And they got worse and worse. To the point the van was declared unsafe to drive Thursday. Pat babied it to get me to work at 4:30pm, and then he took it straight to Jesse’s with the plans of the boys replacing the brakes. Three trips to autozone later, and many set backs because who ever did the brakes last is a moron who if we knew who they were, we’d sue them, the front right brakes were fixed. Next comes the front left tomorrow.

Oh and my entire paycheck for the week went to brakes. To the point I had to ask my mom for lunch money for the week. I’ll work tired, but no one would survive me working hungry.

Oh, back to the work thing. I did talk to my boss and explain why only 9 hours between shifts was a bad idea. I explained the whole insomnia and not being able to take my sleep meds unless I was getting between 8-10 hours of sleep. She said she would watch my turn around times. But I’m still scheduled for another two shifts like that again this week. I didn’t get to her in time. Oh well, I survived the last one. I’ll survive this one too.

Lunesta is working out. I did a couple of test runs on nights where I didn’t have to be anywhere the next morning. I woke up fine. So I took it last night even though I had to be at work at 10am this morning. I woke up just a groggy as I always do so I’m calling it a win. Plus I’m sleeping soundly. I’m falling asleep withing 30 minutes to an hour. That hour was because I was futzing around on my phone until the drunk on meds feeling kicked in. I probably would have been asleep faster if I had been off the phone. Hey, it wasn’t my idea to give me yahoo messenger capabilities from my bed.

I’ve slowed down on reading. Mostly because I can’t decide what to read next. I got a couple of books from the library but I’m just not feeling them. I should probably start going through my books and select something but I just don’t feel like it. It may just be that this reading kick is dead. It kicks in every 3-6 months, last a couple of weeks, and then dies back out. Mostly it ends with me reading something too boring for me to want to go on. Or complex. The really old British literature was anything but boring, but it was a really hard read. That was the last kick.

I feel like I should get caught back up with blogs, and I have on a few select ones. But I just can’t seem to make myself want to read them all like I normally do. Which is a shame, I’m missing some really good ones.

I’ve all but abandoned twitter. I’m tweeting but not reading other people’s. So it’s a little one sided I guess.

I just drank half a gallon of orange juice. I’ve been feeling so run down with work that I’ve been pushing the vitamin c because I can see me getting sick and I know I can’t afford to. Just like I’m making all 4 of us get flu shots this year. I’ve never been a big fan of the idea. It seems I dunno… But something in my gut is telling me this is the year to do it, even if I follow through on no other year. So I’m going to follow my gut. But I will say this. If I get that needle stuck in my arm and miss a week of work because of the flu anyways, I’ll be pissed. I’m not afraid of needles, but I don’t have to like them. Honestly I normally get my shots in the butt. Lots of extra padding down there. But I don’t think that will be an option for a flu shot in the middle of walgreens.

Alright, guys. I think that’s enough for the night. I’m going to end this. How is your weekend, week, month, year going?

I Need to Whine

So tonight I’m working till 1am. Which means my mind will finally settle down and go to bed by 3am. Who knows when I’ll fall asleep. Tomorrow I’m at work at 10am. Which means at the absolute latest I’m out of bed by 9.

Now the whole falling asleep thing… The only thing I have at my disposal that works is Lunesta. But with Lunesta I need 8 hours of sleep. 3-9 is not 8 hours. SO, that means no Lunesta. I’m on my own at trying to fall asleep. Made worse by me stressing out over what time I have to be up, how late it already is, can I do this, what happens if I’m late, can I even function if I can get up, am I going to be ok to drive, if I’m falling asleep at the wheel will there be an accident like last time??????

Oh the worries and the stress.

I lay there at night every night with the thoughts and the worries and the stress. 6 hours between head hitting pillow and head leaving pillow, does not leave a lot of time for the worries and the thoughts.

Then there is the fact that I’ve proven that even with good restful sleep I need about 10 hours to function properly. 6 hours in bed is not 10 hours of sleep, no matter how you look at it.

I think I’m going to have to talk to my boss. I’ll make it happen this time, but if it’s a repeat I’m going to have to change my availability.

Apparently I already asked Pat to give me a ride to work on Friday so there will be no crashing into things as I drive in my sleep. Good news.

Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Right now my biggest battle is sleep.

I’m sticking to my 11pm bed time and I’m trying to stick to a 8am wake up. Sure enough my alarm goes off on time but I’m not getting out of bed. Or rather, I am getting out of bed long enough to take care of Luke and get him safely deposited into his father’s hands, but then I’m going back to bed.

I just need motivation to stay up. Don’t say Luke. I know he should be all the motivation I need. But he doesn’t stimulate my mind and he wears me down. Both things send me straight back to bed. I just need some fun activity that I’m looking forward to. I’m not even currently reading a good book. I’m currently working on 3 books that are teaching me about the brain. Interesting, but not at 8am.

Oh let’s be honest. 8:30.

I’m doing ok getting to sleep, sorta. I’m having the weirdest dreams though. Last night I almost had sex with Heath Ledger in my dream but then I woke up and realized he was dead and got sad. True story.

I tried Lunesta for the first time last night. It worked ok. I wasn’t too groggy when I woke up, but I also slept well past the recommended 8 hours. I’m going to try it again tonight since I don’t have to be anywhere until 4:30pm. I’ll try to be up at 8:30, Pat won’t be home and Luke will be awake by that point. So I can take special notice of how alert I am. I’m terrified of trying it on the nights I have to be at work at 10am the following morning.


So, what do you do for sleep? When is your bedtime? Is it strictly enforced? When do you wake up?

Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Ok I’m really behind here.

Today we are going to talk paperwork.

Here is the deal, as many of you know, I’m on the government’s insurance. This insurance, and I’m sure other insurance, requires bi-yearly updates on how the therapy process is going. They want to know what I’ve achieved, my goals, and what I plan to do how to achieve my goals.

Personally, I hate this paperwork. I strongly feel that while there is a common goal, get better, sometimes there are millions of mini goals that come up along the way., They can’t always be defined. And you don’t always know about them until the pass. They can be anything from effectively getting laundry done, to accepting your gender or sexual orientation. (Only one of those is my goal. I borrowed from things I’ve read.) I, for example, didn’t know it was a goal to identify my children’s feelings until I was in the midst of learning it and doing it. It just sorta happened. And yet just 15 minutes ago I found myself rocking my 2 year old telling him he must be sad and angry but that he needed to take a quick nap and THEN he could play with the new toy he just inherited from his brother. I don’t know if it was the rocking or the feeling identification, but he settled down and went to sleep.

I also hate the paperwork because I’m not good at articulating myself all the time. I fumble for words and with words quite a bit. You should see me try and write a blog post. There is a lot of deleting and rewriting unless I’ve planned it out in my head in advance and then sit down at the computer.

Finally, there is the paperwork I hate beyond the goals and steps… The dread rate this and that and everything in your life. How happy are you about where you live, your job and your income? How lonely are you? Sad? Angry? Fucked up? (Ok, that last one isn’t an actual question but you know that’s what it’s getting at.)

So how did I answer all this?

Well my goal is to reach a point of stability where I have the energy and motivation to get through life. That’s been my goal 3 times in a row now. And I’m getting closer, but I’m not there yet. I dread having to come up with a new goal to be honest, it took me so long to come up with that one.

I don’t remember what evidence of progress I had. And I don’t remember all the steps I outlined I would take. I do remember reading more was one of them. It soothes me and calms me, so it’s a good step towards stability. In times past, photography has been a big one. But I’m calming down on that some.

Mostly my therapist and I bullshited our way through it. We both equally hate the paperwork. And we both agree it’s none of caresource’s business what goes on behind our closed door, they just need to know enough to keep them footing the bill.

So what kind of evil paperwork do you have to go through to stay in therapy?

I’m Reading…

Healing ADD The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.

There is still thoughts in my mind that I myself have ADD. And that’s why I initially borrowed this book from my therapist. However, I never actually got to reading it. I wasn’t interested in reading much of anything that wasn’t on the computer at the time.

But now… Now I’m on a reading kick and I’ve had another therapist tell me my son probably has ADD, which I’ve thought for years. So now I have a whole new set of reasons for reading it.

There is a slight catch, however. As great as this book is, it’s very pro meds and I’m not. Don’t look at me like that. I know how many meds I’m on. But for me it’s life or death. Not so much for Thomas. When he’s older I’ll consent to having him placed on meds. But we are talking much older. Right now, not so much.

Which leaves me to wonder, is there another way to treat his ADD? Someone loan me THAT book, please.

Sleep Schedule

Getting myself on a sleep schedule just doesn’t seem to be working. Yet again I was up with Luke at 8am this morning just to turn around and crawl back into bed til 10am. I woke feeling refreshed ans awake. Unlike how I felt at 8am.

Then there is the fact that my work schedule is going to fuck up the whole 11pm bedtime. Most days it’s fine but not every day. Take Thursday for example. I work until 1am. I’d just sleep later the next morning but I have to turn around and be up at 8a to be at work by 10am. Which is just insane.

I need to face the facts that I’m not someone that can thrive on just 8-9 hours of sleep. I can get by on it but not thrive. And if there is an opportunity to get more, I’m going to take it.

I am going to stick to the 11pm bedtime, when I can. That just makes sense to me. Now I just need to find a sleep aid that works.

I’m not on Lunesta yet. We are having to fight to get it. And even when the battle is over, I need the few dollars to buy it. Even then I’m not sure I’m willing to take it. I’m terrified of the drugged feeling in the morning. I’ll test it on nights that I don’t have to be up the next morning and go from there.

Why does something so simple have to be so hard?