This ‘N’ That

I feel like since I’m on a stay-cation I should be writing more. Nothing profound comes to mind. If it did, I’d have this week’s Living with BPD. As of right now, I have no topic to talk about on my weekly. I can’t even talk about how I’m doing mentally because I don’t really know. As I told my therapist, I’m too tired to be depressed. Between the working long hours and the decrease in the amount of sleep I’m getting, I’ve been pretty tired.

I did the 11p-8a sleep thing. Sorta. I didn’t have much choice. Dad threw out his back so I had to go get Luke at 8am. But I lay back down on the couch after. I didn’t sleep, lord knows I couldn’t what with the torture maneuvers Luke was practicing on me. But I just wasn’t motivated to do much of anything.

I finally dragged my ass off the couch at about a quarter til ten and took the boys to the library. We didn’t spend much time there. Just long enough for me to grab my book and for Thomas to grab a few dinosaur books, a few Dr Seuses, and a few readers.

After the library we went to the park. There is a new playground that was built last year up on the far north end of town. It’s a really nice park and seems to be very popular.

I just finished the last Percy Jackson book. It was a satisfying end. Kinda cheesy, but hey, it’s a kid’s book. It has to end all happy. I even laughed out loud at a couple of points.

Blah blah blah. Nothing profound to say so I’m going to go ahead and shut up now. Time to start a new book anyways.

This ‘N’ That

So I’m having to do something that pains me. No matter how grounded the kids are, they always have access to their books. Reading is a right, not a privilege. But Luke is purposely destroying books to get our attention. All he has to do is ask for it and he has it, so this destroying books thing is crossing the line. So after his nap he is helping me gather up all his books in a laundry basket and they are being put in the basement. It breaks my heart. I, of all people, don’t believe in taking books away, but I don’t see how I have any other choice right now.

Speaking of books, I’m currently reading Get Me Out Of Here by Rachel Reiland. I think I made this same announcement a few months back but I stopped reading it about half way through. I just wasn’t in the mood to read anything. But right now I’m devouring books left and right so I made sure that book was in the “to read” pile. Once I’m done with it I’m going back to Percy Jackson. But I had to wait til the final book was available from the library. I pick it up tomorrow.

Anyway, if you read this site for any reason, go pick up that book. It is a true account of how a wonderful woman managed to overcome Borderline Personality Disorder. Get Me Out of Here is amazing and life changing.

So I’m working on getting myself on a sleep schedule. I started by aiming for 11pm to 7am. But what I’ve always said holds true. I simply need more than 8 hours of sleep. So I’m going to work towards 11pm to 8am. I’m a little off track thanks to a couple of later shifts at work. It’s kind of hard to aim for 11-8 if I work til 10:45. And working 6 long days in a row, made me overly tired, so I slept in on Wednesday. But I’m going to aim for an 11-8 today/tomorrow. If 11-8 doesn’t work I’ll be stuck with an 11-9, but that’s the absolute latest I can get up on days I work 10-6:30. I’m hoping the 11-8 works out. I can hit the snooze until 8:30. That’s fine by me.

Our fish are dying. We think it’s the sudden drastic change in temperature. We are trying to regulate things out but they are dropping off one by one. We don’t have any means of controlling the water temperature. It’s just at whatever the room temp is. Which has worked fine for the past few years but now suddenly, not so much. And I don’t think it’s that they are just getting too old. It’s our second and third generation of mollies that are dying. Momma and Papa are doing just fine. So is the stubborn Zebra who is the oldest fish in the tank.

I’m kinda really excited for this current 4 days off of work. I have all kinds of things I want to do. Here soon, after we get Thomas from school, the 4 of us are going to this little playground mom found. It’s back out of the way and not overrun with people, so I think even Pat will be fine. At some point over the weekend (or now, I’m being told) we are going to Jesse’s house to play with his puppy and to look at some books he has left from his youth that he thinks Thomas might like. We are also taking a trip to the library. I have the final Percy Jackson book on hold for me and I want Thomas to pick out a few readers.

See the punk is suppose to read for 20 minutes every night. That’s what the first Percy Jackson book was for. But he wasn’t ready for it so we have to plan B it. Yes he has lots of books but he’s read them all a million times and I want him to read something new, with new words. I was at the library earlier this week and grabbed him 6 readers. He took interest in 1 of them. I’ll let you guess how many of the 6 he’s willing to read. Epic battles are epic.

I owe you guys a “living with BPD” post. I promise to get on that soon.

Alright the alarm sounded, it’s time to go get Thomas. So I must end this.

Catching Up

I feel like an absentee blogger these days. Honestly, I seem to be taking a break from the computer as a whole. I’m not writing here or anywhere. I’m not reading blogs. I’m ignoring twitter. I’ve been mostly ignoring facebook.

Honestly, I’m just too tired to care right now.

Today was day 6 of 6 work days in a row. All 8.5 hour days at a job I don’t really enjoy. Days drag. I’m worn down. I’d quit but the money is honest. Not quite good yet, but it’s getting there. And honestly my biggest complaint, besides the monotony of it, is that I’m working so many damn hours. Which is exactly what I asked for. I’m not cut out for 8 hour grueling days. I’m just not. But I’m hanging in there.

I’m also really looking forward to my mini stay-cation. I was suppose to be going to Iowa over the coming weekend but that isn’t happening. So instead I have 4 days off in a row with my family. Pat is pissed because we can’t afford this. However, we also can’t afford for me to quit my job in a fit of “I can’t do this”. So mini stay-cation it is.

So what am I doing while not on my computer or at work?

I’m reading. I’m still enjoying Percy Jackson. I’m on book four. Hoping to get my hands on a fifth book, if it’s out yet. (Remind me to look that up.) But right now I’m just reading. After Percy Jackson I have a few other books to move on to that I’ve been meaning to read. So I’m going to go with this mood and see where it takes me.

I do promise to check in from time to time though. So even if I’m quit for awhile, I will be back.

This Just In…

I wasn’t going to admit this. But I’ve admitted worse here. So here goes.

We bought Thomas, Percy Jackson and the Olympians book 1 The Lightening Thief. And he was going to read 20 minutes every night from it. Only I decided to sit down and read the whole thing to myself so I knew the story. Mid read I discovered Thomas wasn’t quite ready for it so that reading project got sidelined for another couple of years. The problem was when I couldn’t just put the book down. I was hooked.

So I finished the book.

Then I bought the next three in the series with my weekly allowance “for Thomas”. I start book three tonight.

I’m still missing the 5th book. I don’t know if it’s even out yet. If it is I’ll nab it later, I’m sure.

And they are totally kid’s books. Even more so than Harry Potter. (guilty) The plot line is simple. The writing style is immature. But they are still entertaining reads.

And well, I love a good book.

Oh and I really will give them to Thomas once I’m done with them.

Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

So I guess once again I’m a few days behind.

Wednesday was my meds appointment. Once again we found ourselves talking about my lack of sleep. The Sonata worked great that first night but I could never recreate it.

So we are giving Lunesta a try.

I’m not happy about this. I didn’t want something that had the potential of leaving me drugged in the morning. But we are running out of things to try.

The nice thing about Lunesta is that it’s a controlled release so it’ll keep me asleep at night. Whereas the Sonata was suppose to knock me out in 30 minutes and then leave my system. When it didn’t work in the 30 minutes I was on my own.

But it’s the controlled release that leaves you with that groggy half asleep feeling in the morning.

So I’m not thrilled. At all. But groggy in the morning after a good night’s sleep is better than groggy in the morning after no sleep.

Anyway, we also discussed my sleep habits. We went over the core rules of falling asleep and getting a good night’s sleep.

No caffeine late.
Don’t eat late.
No laying in bed watching tv.
No computer use before bed. (guilty)
Pick a bed time to stick to every night.
8 hours later, get up. Even if you didn’t sleep, get up.
Don’t just lie in bed staring at the ceiling. If you can’t sleep get up and wash the dishes. When you feel tired go back down and try again.

The whole idea is to train your body to fall asleep at 11pm when you are tired and wake up at 7am after a good night’s sleep.

That is the idea anyways.

I’ve been trying to stick to the 11:00 bed time and I’ve been setting my alarm for 7am. I end up hitting the snooze forever but I’m trying. I guess baby steps or whatever.

Anyway, there you have it.


A few of the blogs I follow are written by recovering alcoholics and those trying to escape the urge to numb their feelings with a glass of whatever. That and these girls, like me, are on meds that don’t mix well with alcohol.

Poor Sandy, last night she fought the urge for “just one glass” for the better part of the evening. Kaley got into a lot of trouble with her drinking awhile back and got a couple of DUIs. And Jennifer is going to have to face AA meetings to get into her mental health treatment facility.

This makes me think about myself and my drinking.

Back before Luke was in my life, back when Pat and I were separated and Andrew was an issue, alcohol and I had a bit of a fling on the side. I wanted to feel numb, alcohol got me there. This was before I knew I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Back before I knew I had an addictive personality. I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic. I mean, I didn’t drink every night. I was able to stop without issue when I wanted to stop. But I was in a world of hurt and I wanted the booze to numb me. I know, wrong reason to drink.

So flash forward to today.

Do I still drink? Yes; on occasion. But for a different set of reasons. At first I limited it to social drinking with Stacy and such, but quickly realized I was drinking too much in one sitting. Acid reflux kicked in and kicked my ass. Nothing worse than puking up alcohol.

So now? A glass, a single glass, here and there. Never to numb. Never because I’m an emotional mess. My last two alcoholic beverages (different nights) were frozen drinks to help cool me off when I was over heated. I knew I was emotionally fine. I knew I wasn’t drinking enough to throw up. They were just frozen treats to help lower my body temperature.

I don’t drink often. Our current bottle of rum, I haven’t touched and I don’t plan to. I don’t have anything to mix it with. I don’t plan to have anything to mix it with. It won’t be touched by me. The bottle of TGI Friday’s pina colada mix lasted me all summer and I shared it. I didn’t even buy it for myself. My dad bought it to surprise me on a holiday weekend. Otherwise it wouldn’t have even been in the house.

So what about booze and my meds? Booze and meds don’t mix. I don’t take my meds when I’ve been drinking. Well, I still take my Geodon because I can’t miss that one without getting sick, but I don’t take anything else.

I like to think that alcohol and I have a healthy relationship. Maybe I’m wrong. I know my meds doctor doesn’t want me drinking at all. But it’s hard telling if that’s a me specific thing or if in general she’s just worried about her BPD patient’s addictive personality kicking in. My bet is it’s just worry about how alcohol and meds mix. I’m sure she doesn’t want me missing a night of meds just to drink.