My Father Archive

Random Collection of Thoughts

Posted July 16, 2009 By kmarrs

I keep dreaming that I’m pregnant. It’s really frustrating. One part of me is wanting that 3rd baby, the rest of me knows the timing is not yet right. I’d have to go off all my meds, and I’m not ready for that. I told Pat that I would refuse the 3rd until we had a mini van. If we can’t afford that, we can’t afford a 3rd baby.

I had my first therapy session today. Not my first ever in my life, but first in this new series. I wasn’t able to see my old therapist so I have a new one now. But she teaches the DBT I go to, so I know her and she knows me and BPD really well. The first session was basic going over my file and my history. My next one will be going over my treatment plan and more of my history. I’ll be seeing her weekly to start. I find some comfort in that. Like I’ll be better behaved if I know I have someone to report to weekly.

DBT starts in September. I’m really excited. I miss the homework assignments with it.

My new therapist gives me homework . I’m happy about it. This week I’m suppose to analyze my rages and anger. We are looking for patterns so that I can better manage it in the future.

I got into a fight with my father. Well Pat and I did. He had a cow when we showed up home with 4 more rats after he spent 91$ on meat for the house hold. We finally got him to realize we spent 20$ or so on rats and Thomas got 20$ from his grandmother, Pat’s mom, for his birthday. And dad does grocery shopping every week, we just suggested meat because it was something we didn’t have much of. Dad took it to mean financial emergency when in reality we were just guiding his inevitable grocery purchase. Anyway that’s how it started and it led to all sorts of dirty laundry being hauled out. Dad actually yelled which is scary because I think that’s only the second time I’ve seen him yell. Normally he just passive aggressively sulks.

Things are better now. A half hour after the fight dad came down and we talked calmly. He’s actually going to consider disability even. It’ll take us a year to get him to that point, but this is a huge start to it.

I myself am looking to file. Usually you have to be unemployed but there are loop holes for those who are employed but there ability to do their job is compromised because of their disability. It isn’t that I don’t want to work. I’m just not able to handle the 30-40 hours a week required of me. I’d do better at like 20. Just enough to get out of the house some.

It’s taking tremendous amounts of energy every day to function as well as I do. And I function just enough to get the bare minimum of life done. I’m on the verge of losing my job over it, though I’m pulling through and doing better there. I love my job too much to lose it so fear helps my functioning. I also fear I’m going to lose my family over it. But so far I haven’t.

I need to get back to bed so I’m going to end this ramble.

Sleep well, everyone.

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My Anger With My Father

Posted July 7, 2009 By kmarrs

I live in a house hold of 3 adults. I’m the only one that gets up and goes to work each day. We are all three disabled. Equally disabled, I don’t know. But all 3 disabled. I resent being the only one that works. That’s my problem, I deal with it to the best of my ability. Pat at least gets disability to help out with the burden of keeping this household afloat. My father won’t even do that much.

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I Don’t Know What to Title This

Posted July 7, 2009 By kmarrs

My father is no longer seeing his therapist. They lost their funding so they can no longer see patients for “free”. Which means the battle to get him on meds is over before it had a chance to fully begin.

Meanwhile he refuses to get on disability. It would give him a monthly food allowance as well as income and would provide health care.

I just feel so lost.

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Decision and My Dad

Posted June 20, 2009 By kmarrs

I think what I’m going to have to do is sit down with him, tell him how I feel and what I’m seeing. Tell him it isn’t fair for him to treat us poorly because he messed up. Really talk with him. But then also let him know we need to see an attitude change if he’s going to continue to live here. As well as signs that he’s starting the process to get medicated and on ssi.

This sucks.

Am I being too harsh?

Too impulsive?

To childish?

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It’s 2 AM

Posted June 20, 2009 By kmarrs

I can’t sleep. I have a long day ahead and I can’t sleep. I have matters weighing heavy on my mind and I don’t know what to do, where to turn.

My father has mental health issues. It’s clear to everyone but him. He sees a therapist, but hasn’t been diagnosed as anything and isn’t on any meds.

Meanwhile he is the most passive aggressive person I know.

When he moved in it was the agreement that he’d live here with all expenses covered on return he does things like the dishes and vacuums.

Then every now and then we’ll hit a road bump.

Example?

About a week ago he gave our 5 year old pepsi at 8:45 at night. Thomas still has trouble staying dry at night and we limit his liquid intake severely after dinner. So pepsi of all things right before bed is a huge problem.

Pat said something to dad. I’m not sure how nice or mean Pat was, but this wasn’t a first time offense and I’m sure Pat was at least somewhat diplomatic. Though for all I know he chewed his head off.

My dad’s response?

He’s hid in his room for the past week, won’t say a word to us and is doing jack shit around the house.

I don’t ask much but after a long day of work I shouldn’t be the one loading the dishwasher. Neither should Pat who spends the day chasing 2 boys. This has been dad’s philosophy since he moved in. But since he fucked up it’s now, if he can’t get it right he just won’t do anything.

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m over reacting.

But ever since he moved in we’ve been dealing with this off and on bullshit of him being passive aggressive. Meanwhile he clearly doesn’t want to be here. And rubs in our faces that he thinks we are dependent on him. How? He buys the occasional food. He saves every receipt to prove it. At the same time Pat and I foot a large chunk of the food bill which would be smaller with one less mouth to feed. And most of what he buys we aren’t dependent on. We were fine before him, we’d be fine after.

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I know I can’t live like this.

I know it breaks my heart to see this side of my father.

I always saw him as this noble man who’d give you the shirt off his back. But he’d turned into this bitter man who glares at me when I say hi to him.

My father glares and me and refuses to speak to me.

And I’m supporting him.

Seriously.

I keep the roof over his head and pay for his internet. I pay the electric and gas. I spend 400$ a month on groceries.

His mom sends him a check every month that he is suppose to use to help out. He uses it to buy shit we don’t need while meanwhile we missed an electric bill because I missed 2 weeks of work to be in the hospital.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want him here any longer.

I can’t kick him out.

I wish my sister would take a turn at living with him at some point. I realize that won’t be yet she doesn’t have the means. But according to her she got him up here, her job is done. Thanks sis.

My father is using my kids as pawns against me and you packed some boxes.

*sigh*

Meanwhile it’s now 2:16 and I’m still up sick over this whole ordeal.

I need to go to bed.

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My Meds

Posted May 16, 2009 By kmarrs

The capsules are Geodon. The blue and white one is 80 MG and the solid blue one is 40 MG.

The 2 little white ones are Ativan at 1MG each.

The 3 darker pink ones are celexa at 20MG each.

The 3 lighter pink ones are trileptal at 150MG each.

I take these pills every day, spread out into 2 doses.

Meanwhile I can’t get anyone one else in my family to realize that they have a problem, much less that they need hardcore meds. Maybe not as many as I need. But some.

You’d think that if I can break down and take 10 pills every day, my family could break down and take even less.

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