I’ll start by saying I’m now between therapists. What happened to my last one is complicated and stupid but the short of it is, it didn’t work out. So as soon as this pandemic thing is over I’m going to start the process of finding a new one. I know where to look. This won’t be difficult. But I do need to be able to leave the house first. So I’m just waiting things out.
I will also go ahead and be honest that under self-scrutiny I’m just cranky and have been for months. However, the feedback from those I live with is that I’m being more confrontational and, well, destructive, than usual. Which tells me it’s time for DBT. My BPD is acting up. I need to take care of it. Of course, however, group therapy is not an option. And even without the pandemic, that’s still a hard thing to manage.
What I’ve done instead, or at least as a temporary fix, is bought Marsh Linehan’s DBT training manual and the worksheets. I also bought her CBT manual which the DBT manual references heavily.
While I’m aware these manuals aim to teach me how to teach the skills for others who need it, I’m hoping to use the manual as a well to self reflect and remind myself of the skills.
I’ve been through DBT so many times. At this point, I know the skills. At least I did. So I don’t need to be taught, so much. I just need to be reminded. I would not use these books if I hadn’t actually sat through DBT a half dozen times. But I feel they will work as a refresher.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at.
And it’s not the pandemic. I’ve been struggling for maybe a year now. It’s long past time I recognize I’m not just kind of cranky. It’s long past time I get myself back into shape. So I’m working towards that. Perhaps with an intellectual approach, but hopefully it works.
You may have noticed I’ve switched to video blogging, or vlogging. This doesn’t mean I won’t still write sometimes, but I’m losing my hands and wrists to the fibro. Actually, I think it’s carpal tunnel, but my fibro certainly doesn’t help. I’m noticing more and more that it doesn’t take much typing before the pain sets in. So I like to try and save my typing for work and school.
Besides, I think my therapy with fish series is kind of fun. I promise I talk about more than just fish. I talk about life, while watching a fish tank. It’s actually really relaxing and I can just talk. I’m a lot less apt to censor myself since I don’t want to start the whole video over. I don’t do any video editing. So it’s full me uncensored. So yes, I recommend watching the videos.
I’m also about to start a DBT series. It starts out rough, but I hope to liven it up some as I go. I just need to shake my jitters out and get used to reading on video. Anyway, this series might prove helpful, maybe. Maybe not. I’m doing it anyway.
I know, it’s been a hot minute since I last posted. I blame upcoming tests, school projects, and general course work load, but there has also been some gaming in there. What can I say, it’s how I decompress.
And I’ve needed to decompress.
See last week, last Tuesday, I was on my way to class when my car’s steering column fell apart. While I was driving the car. Luckily I was in a parking lot going about 3 mph. Because if I’d been on the freeway like 15 minutes earlier, I would have died. That is no exaggeration.
So… That image just kind of sums up my, well, year. At least the past few weeks.
School is going well, except for the plan to make friends. If I get an A in the one class I’m going to have to fight for it tooth and nail. So that has me stressed. I mean it’s a good stress. The kind I thrive under. I’m also just still depressed and tired.
But it’ll work itself out, right? It will. I just need to hang in there.
I may have already said this, but I’m in a one-on-one DBT with my therapist. I’ve had to miss a couple of weeks thanks to the car, but we’ll pick up where we left off. It’s good to have a refresher on the skills. I’m also in a point in my life where I’m the most receptive to it. So yeah, that’s going well.
I guess… I’m doing what I need to do. I’m taking care of myself. So eventually this depression will lift. It has to.
Going to therapy lately has felt weird. Mostly because there isn’t anything really going on in my life, so I feel like there is nothing to talk about. There are no big issues, just the same old crap.
Last week I was proactive about that though. I thought back to the days when my therapist taught dbt, and I thought how my meds doctor wants me in dbt but realizes I can’t afford yet another weekly trip to that end of town.
So I compromised. I asked my therapist if she still has all the lesson plans from when she taught dbt, and if she’d be willing to have mini dbt with just me during our sessions. She does and she is.
So now once a week, I will have dbt with my therapist. I will relearn the old skills and I’ll strive to be better.
And of course, the dbt lessons will allow room for the day-to-day crap that might come up and need working out in therapy.
I’m excited. I think it was very wise minded of me to come up with this idea.
All the necessary dates we’ve been missing for this move are in.
Dad is out this coming Monday. June 11, to be exact.
We close June 29th. We have to be 100% out of our current apartment July 4th.
We were hoping to have the summer to move slowly but it isn’t going to happen that way.
This makes things more stressful but it’ll happen. We do just want to get it over with, after all.
I lose internet at some point between the 15th and the 4th. We are disconnecting here and being sure we are 100% square with the bill then reconnecting at the new place. I’ll let you know, closer to the point I actually lose it, the exact day it goes down.
As for the DBT series I’m planning. I don’t think starting it this Tuesday will work. First, long gap of space I won’t have internet to work on it. I can type them all now and schedule them out, but right now I need to focus on packing. There is a lot of crap to pack that needed to wait until we had confirmed dates.
So here is to the beginning of one of the most stressful months of recent times. Bare with me and stick around. Hopefully I’ll come out the other end happier and with a kick-ass series on DBT to premier!