maximum_marrs — Today at 6:29 PM Hey [6:30 PM] Know how I used to just break out in song, most of them on the fly parodies like I was the protagonist in a musical?
Robin — Today at 6:30 PM yeah
maximum_marrs — Today at 6:30 PM Know how I just randomly stopped?
Robin — Today at 6:30 PM yeah
maximum_marrs — Today at 6:31 PM Turns out stopping was a life and brain trauma response. [6:31 PM] I’m healing. [6:31 PM] Know how I can tell?
Robin — Today at 6:31 PM random jingles?
maximum_marrs — Today at 6:31 PM Give me the red meat and free my soul, I wanna get lost in the taco and steak for days! [6:32 PM]
Max — Yesterday at 4:17 AM She has 3 humans and 2 other cats home and awake at 9am. Why is she bullying me?!? [4:17 AM] Though on Wednesday the kids go back to school. Ash is going to be so pissed.
Zeus’ bastard son #478 — Yesterday at 4:31 AM Congrats, you’ve been chosen. As a victim but still
Max — Yesterday at 4:37 AM She loves me yeah yeah yeah She loves me yeah yeah yeah She loves me yeah yeah yeah yeah [4:38 AM] She says she loves me And I know that can’t be bad Yes, she loves me And I know I should be glad
Robin — Today at 6:33 PM lol
maximum_marrs — Today at 6:34 PM I’m taking the time to type them out to people who can’t hear me sing them.
Robin is settled into Seattle and has been for a few weeks, at this point. The kids miss her like crazy. They show it in various ways. Sammy is a little more outspoken with it. Thomas tries to hide his pain where he thinks we can’t see it. Lucas is a lot harder to read, but I know he does miss daddy. Even Iris misses her.
I’m a little more on the fence myself. I more miss having help than I do the company. When the kids started feeling better they were obnoxious for a couple of days and I was so sick I could barely move. I could have used a healthy adult. But the thing is, had Robin been here, Robin would have had Covid too, (I caught it the day after she left and passed it around the house from there) and not only would she have been unable to be helpful, but I would have been sharing my sick bed. I’m very selfishly grateful I didn’t have to share my bed while sick.
The first two times we separated missing her company was a big part of why I took her back. Granted, we worked on our shit and were healthier when we got back together. But I think things would have been different if I hadn’t been so lonely. This time I have a couple of dozen friends at my disposal, and yeah, none of them are local, but I’m ok with that. I’m not alone unless I put my phone down to read. And it’s a huge help.
I’ll be a lot more hesitant to take Robin back this time. And while that is something I fully intend to do in maybe about 5 years, that is fully conditional on where we stand as individuals. We are both in need of some therapy to be better people. And I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve in a partner.
Anyway. I do in some ways miss Robin. But not as much as I feared I would. And I’m relieved by this, but I also feel guilt. I’m going to have to work on that guilt in therapy because me not missing Robin as much as I arbitrarily think I should is fine but the guilt it brings isn’t healthy.
Robin is moving to Seattle. There are many reasons for this that I’m going to try and explain.
For years now Robin has been implying and outright saying that I’m abusive. Knowing that I have BPD I kind of assumed I indeed was the problem and have been trying to fix my ways, through therapy and such, to try and be a better spouse. Only I never really could communicate to my therapists what I was doing wrong, beyond the fact I yell a lot, and Robin refused to come to my therapy for a session to help enlighten her so I could be better.
Finally, in desperation, I took to fighting those battles via text and screenshotting them for my bestie. Who brought to light that Robin was gaslighting me during our fights. And the more I looked, the more I saw it. The primary accusation being that I’m super unbalanced and crazy, but I’m actually pretty stable considering the emotional abuse I’m undergoing.
Finally enough became enough and I was done.
Additionally, Robin has a close friend out there and has been talking about moving to Seattle for a while. Only with my meds doc being a unicorn and irreplaceable, it would be a long time before I’d be comfortable with moving out there myself. But, Seattle offers Robin opportunities that she can’t get here. So this will be a healthy move for her.
We are staying married. We are staying friends. We are simply living apart so we can both heal and be better people.
I honestly thought swamps were only in the southern United States like Florida. However, a friend posted about a local swamp they went to and all the frogs they saw/heard and I was super excited. Within a week Iris, Lucas, Sammy, and I were at the swamp frog watching and hiking the trail. Then a couple of days later I went back with Robin. It was glorious. The frog songs lifted my spirits. The startled splashes as they hid from us were endless fun. We did see a few. And I got some photos. I also took photos of the flowers, greenery, and the swamp in general. I’m going to go ahead and dump them here. There are… a lot. I’d apologize but I wouldn’t mean it.
I’ve decided that once or twice a month, from now until forever, we’re going to explore Ohio. The fact that there was a swamp with frogs only 27 miles away and I didn’t know about it, is tragic. So I’m dedicating myself to exploring trails, reserves, and parks in Ohio that are outside my usual stomping ground.
Later this month we’re going to Clifton Gorge. It’s about an hour away, just to the east of Dayton. In August we’re going to take a day trip up to Lake Erie. Then in September and October, we’re going to explore a couple of caves at Hocking Hills. Next spring we’ll visit the waterfalls there.
I want to see Ohio. I love nature. I love hiking. I love bonding with my family. I can’t afford to pay admission for all of us to do things like Cedar Point. But the parks? Parks are free and amazing!
This post is a few days late. But then, so was my gift.
Since I’m both a mother and a father to the kids, my gift for the year can fall on either holiday. The same goes for the wife*. So I’ve started calling them both Mather’s Day.
Anyway, over the past year we’ve discovered I can’t eat a single tomato product that has been in a can or a jar. Nothing that’s been preserved in the usual methods, which we at this point assume it apple cider vinegar since that falls in like with my known allergies. I have confirmed that I’m not allergic to fresh tomatoes in the slightest. So it has to be in the preservation methods. That said, Robin* can make basically any tomato product you can think of, from scratch. That said, that takes a LOT of tomatoes. So…
*My spouse of 17 years is now officially my wife, they use they/them or she/er pronouns, and their chosen name is Robin.
I was sent to the garden center to buy the means to grow our own tomatoes. Meet my new children!
The three on the left are Roma tomatoes. The big girl on the right is a cherry tomato. We won’t cook with the cherry tomatoes unless we pull them for salads and such. They are meant to be a snack, fresh from the plant, warmed by the sun.
Here is a close up of my cherry tomato baby. I bought her exactly like this so she’d be ready to go asap.
I was lucky enough to find one that is already starting to grow fruit! My cashier was super excited for me when she saw them growing.
Plus, judging by these flowers, there are plenty more tomatoes to come and soon!
Here is a close up of one of my three Roma tomato plants. As you can see, it has a ways to grow. But I found 3 that look super healthy so I have hope for plenty of fresh tomatoes to come!
Now for a confession.
I was sent for tomato plants and pots and such. But in my defense, I was my own and only adult supervision in the garden center. And well, it’s known how I am.
Meet my surprise rose. The true surprise isn’t that I bought her. The true surprise is that I bought only one. Which, fair. I guess I am predictable in my love of plants.
Though the reason I only bought one is that I also have a hibiscus bush and a lilac bush on the way.
In my defense, I’ve been planning and plotting that hibiscus bush for a solid year now, but for some reason keep talking myself out of it. And there was never a good reason to talk myself out of it. It was like 15$ and I know where exactly to put it.
But
When Robin wandered into the room and I told them about the hibiscus, they mused allowed that someday they were going to buy a lilac bush because they have always wanted one. And what was I supposed to do? I’m helpless to the longing of a pretty girl! So I had them pick one out, which was also inexpensive, and I added it to the order and that was all she wrote.
Photos to come, I’m sure. But like my new rose, they are coming in with bare roots. It’ll take them a bit to really grow and flower and flourish.
