More, More, More: Money

Posted on January 31, 2015May 9, 2019 by kmarrs

Alright. As we are flat broke to the point of desperate, things are going to have to change around here some. I’m working through old posts and working in some better SEO where you won’t really notice anyway. Letting posts link to other posts where relevant, which is just smart. Oh. I’m also going to have to look hardcore at the options out there for paid ads. I prefer my readers be the ads, but as we’re all broke, I’m going to have to go with option 2 or 3. Probably not 4. I hear they are mostly porn.

Also, I have spent literally all day, like an 8 hour work day anyway, adding a ton of cute and fun products to my zazzle store. Yes, some of it is advertisement for this blog, but not even close to all of it. It might be worth checking out for Valentines gifts? Birthday gifts? Mother’s day gift? Spring babies? Here. I’ll show you a few new things to give you an idea of the gift giving possibilities.

Flower Watch Version 3 by Wearables4Edibles	Owl Gel Mousepad by Wearables4Edibles
English Rose Two Tone Tee by Wearables4Edibles	Gender Neutral Owl Shirt by Wearables4Edibles

See?!?

Tons of owls, flowers, and some great means of being a supportive and validating parent (which is my personal crusade.

Want to directly help me out and own some WTBL Swag to boot? These are priced to basically be a charitable donation to my electric bill, and still give you something solid to keep.

WTB Silhouette Bumper Sticker: Direct Blog Support by Wearables4Edibles	Walking the Borderline T-Shirt by Wearables4Edibles
Walking the Borderline T-Shirt for Men by Wearables4Edibles	Walking The Borderline Keychain by Wearables4Edibles

So the name of the game is to make money online through paid advertisement here, and by trying to sell pretty, silly, and cute things at my store.

Otherwise, carry on, my wayward internet friends.

Borderline Personality Disorder and the Trouble With Finances: Can’t Hold a Job, Can’t Pay the Bills

Posted on January 30, 2015January 28, 2019 by kmarrs

As an alternative to the below, I would like to offer up front the following: text or image ads placed in prominent positions on this blog, for reasonable prices. I do have a link across the top discussing advertising rates. I’m desperate enough that I’m willing to negotiate them. Please take a look! Walking the Borderline gets an average of 2,000 unique pageviews a month, even with the decrease in my writing, which I’m working on increasing. I have a few SEO hot posts that really pull in the new traffic. Then of course, I have a smaller (than 2k anyway), but very loyal following. So it will be worth the money. A text ad with me, for example, will run you 50$ for the month (and let’s be honest here, I’ll forget to take it down at month’s end and won’t charge you more than the 50 based off my memory flaws). TheBloggess? She’ll, rightfully, charge you twice that. Ok. So that being said, let’s get to the main post. Because I’m all sorts of desperate.

We are so horribly screwed for money right now that it’s reached the point of scary. There are three adults who live here, with 4 combined sources of income, but all 4 are fixed. Two of the sources cover the monthly rent basically perfectly, with enough left over for toilet paper. One of those sources was reduced due to its recipient working like crazy in November and December to try to catch us up on bills. It mostly worked, so as of December we were on track. However, because of that his monthly check for being severely mentally disabled was cut in half. Leaving us about $50 short to cover the rent that we normally never have to worry about. Not to mention the other couple hundred that covered toilet paper, dish/laundry detergent, etc. The other two sources of income is school money. We found out way after the fact that one of the two incomes there that will normally appear at the beginning of the semester, will be up to a month and a half late, due to the student being new. They need to be sure he attends classes before they send him the money that covers bills. My check never was going to show up until mid semester, but that wasn’t going to matter because the other check was going to cover all of January and February’s bills. We have disconnect notices for, well, everything for the first time in almost a decade. Turning off the cable would be a simple solution, except both students rely on it for school. In my case as all my classes are online, that’s a 100% reliance. And as we are in a 1 year contract, we can’t simply cut back on that. We are getting 300$ worth of services for around 100$ and while we could live without the tv for a while, removing it breaks the contract. Good deal or not, you can’t break the contract. So all this is to say that while 2 sources of income from school are coming in February and March, we are so far behind despite cutting back on everything, that by the time it shows up most everything will be disconnected, and we’ll be paying this month’s bill in March, and will still probably be behind.

We are doing the best we can. We brought Pat’s brother in with us to help him and so he could help us finance wise. The three adults couldn’t afford 2 households but joined, once we’re finally caught up, we’ll be able to afford 1. Paying off this damn car with the tax return will be a huge help. We’d get rid of it but we’d just have to turn around and figure out a cheaper, but most likely less reliable, car. This car has us in the hole, but it is reliable as hell so far. Pat is planning a small, 20 hr/week job in the evenings once school is out. With school in session it isn’t an option, for long and complicated reasons involving the fact he needs the car to deliver pizzas. I’d get a job but everyone family and doctors included agree that is NOT an option right now. In my mental state I can barely handle the stress of school, much less school and work. Choosing to do just one between the two, going crazy and messing up is best saved for my grades, and not a company. Like I said, I’m not handling stress at the moment. In addition, my fibro, depression, and meds have me highly unreliable for being awake at any given time. And it isn’t a simple case of being “sleepy”. No. I mean passing out at 9PM and still being exhausted like I didn’t sleep at 8AM. Sleepy is cute and cuddly. Exhausted is scary and stabs people. There is a cartoon showing the difference someone, if you need to visualize the difference. So clearly, work is not an option for me. I tried for disability myself, but was denied because “there was no way of knowing if I’d be depressed for a full year or longer”. Yeah. I’m going to get a doctor, get my fibro treated, then try for disability again for both the depression and the BPD and the fibro. Won’t hurt to try. I’ve been out of work a full year now.
I’m still rambling. I’m so sorry. I should get to my point. In 12 years of marriage, Pat and I have never been this financially screwed. We are about to lose everything. If you have anything you can offer to help I need paid for my work here. My blog has a donate button (towards the top right of the page) and it would be appreciated beyond what words can express. I hate asking this. This… it’s very humbling and humiliating.

If you can’t help, I so deeply understand. Please just know I do truly get it. I understand broke on an intimate level. I understand financial obligations and I understand the wish to give does not suddenly create the ability to give. But if you can help, please click the donate button. It’ll let you donate any amount you have to offer.

The Peanut Butter Diet

Posted on January 29, 2015February 12, 2015 by kmarrs

Ok. First of all can we all agree not to make any major dietary changes, especially weird ones, without first consulting your doctor? I don’t need people doing this, getting sick, and then blaming me. What I’m about to describe I’m doing in moderation, while also being sure to get in all the essential nutrients and vitamins. Ok? Don’t be dumb. Cookies taste a hell of a lot better than skinny feels. M’Kay?

That said, my body was telling me something was wrong. And I mean beyond the 20 pound weight gain over the past couple months. I’m well aware that I can thank my love of baked breakfast sweets and Danish Butter Cookies. I know I can thank my inability to eat anything in moderation.

However, for a while now I have not been able to eat much of anything without almost immediately having to emergency poop. Pop was making it worse.

Now, I cut out pop a week or two ago. Granted, I was still allowing myself 1 a day when I could get it, but otherwise I’ve been drinking a lot more water. It use to be all pop no water. Then some pop, some water. Then mostly water but some pop. However I now think I have the ratio to damn near 100% pop. (Damn near because we all know I’ll have my moments.) I’m trying to rely on coffee for my caffeine needs. I’m also trying to get myself off caffeine in general. It seems to make my emergency poop.

Ok so this advice I want you to actually consider following because it is not at all crazy and is very healthy.

My main beef with water is that it is tasteless and boring. So recently I’ve bought some mint leaves from the store. I add that into the cold water and it just adds this level of crisp. You can also shoot in some lemon juice. How much you ask? Well, my tap water is actually pretty good and I don’t like too much mint. So I make mine ahead in an ice tea pitcher and let the mint just sit. Then I add more and more water as needed. When it’s at its strongest I add tons of ice to the cup. At its weakest, I add in more mint. There really is no wrong answer here. This is all on your taste preference.

The rest is a crazy fad diet style thing.

Alright. So I’m about to start an anti-psychotic that will make it near impossible for me to lose weight. So I decided I needed to do something to give myself a little extra push in the right direction.

I have been, as of late, craving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches like it’s no one’s business. However, the amount of bread I consume, just to sit on my ass, explains why half my wardrobe doesn’t fit. The jelly isn’t awesome for me either. Now, all of this is great in moderation, don’t get me wrong. But I wasn’t moderating effectively.

However, during a trial and error process, I happened to discover that a tablespoon or 2 of peanut butter kills my heart burn. It also doesn’t trigger emergency poop, like most everything else does.

I thought it over and realized peanut butter is also a great source of protein, which I need to be pushing.

No, I’m not going to live on just peanut butter at any point.

However, 2 days a week (Monday and Thursday) I am going to put myself on a 24 hour Peanut butter fast. I’ve officially been through 2 days of it and I can honestly say it works. I allow myself as much peanut butter as I need in order to not feel hungry, but as I’m not THAT into peanut butter, I don’t over eat it. I also back it with plenty of water. So on Monday and Thursday that’s all I consume. As much peanut butter and water and I want.

The rest of the days I eat whatever I want, with the mindset of not making the peanut butter diet pointless. On these days I make sure I get enough veggies and other nutrients I miss out on when Monday and Thursday come around. I also make sure to keep and eye on portion control. Because if 3 tablespoons of peanut butter can get me from starving to comfortable, then reason says that should hold for other things as well.

Is it working? Well, I’ve started losing weight. And when I’m high on peanut butter intake my stools calm down to once or twice a day and are of a decent consistency.

I do need to pick a healthier peanut butter as the one we had on hand has a ton of added sugar, but I’ll get there.

Oh.

I’m also exercising. 4 days a week. A mix of legs, arms, abs, and basic torso stretching. You can tell by the way I haven’t been able to walk since Saturday. At least I have my cane. I suppose this is the best reason to need it.

Things That Made Me Chuckle This Week

Posted on January 27, 2015February 12, 2015 by kmarrs

Most of this is from Tumblr or Pintrest

The Year of the Doctor

Posted on January 23, 2015January 24, 2019 by kmarrs

Yar! I promised thee a blog post!

Alright this is apparently the year where I celebrate having insurance again by being a responsible adult that takes care of her physical well-being. Parts of this are easy, and other part not so much. Also imbedded within these words will be an update as to my mental health and the meds I’m now taking. So way to be relevant to the blog topic, self! *pats self on back*

So, topics to cover:

Head
Shoulders
Knees
Toes
Eyes
Ears
Mouth
Nose
Lady Parts

Maybe not in the order, huh?

EYES: A major “yay!” and a slight “WTF MATE!” included!

So all 5 of my clan went to the eye doctor this week. The husband, oldest and I have all worn glasses since we were each respectively 7 or 8 years old. So for us it was just a yearly check in. Nothing of note for Pat or Thomas, other than Thomas has my eyes in more than just color. (Did you know that it’s been proven that the more you read, the more near-sighted you become? Explains why I’m damn near blind.)

I, of course, need new glasses as well only… So apparently based off their previous records on me, my current prescription, and what the script in my current glasses read to be, the last place to examine eyes and get my lenses really messed up their readings *coughWALMARTcough*. What’s the most fucked up about that is that the year I got those glasses was the only year I’ve ever had insurance through work and Wal-Mart was basically the only place that took that insurance and my mom still had to pay through the nose for me to get these glasses and apparently the royally messed up. That or my eyes magically got better by a lot and then tragically got a little worse than they had been the year or two prior. So, really? Every other year the government has paid for my glasses, which I no longer feel guilty about because I’ve gotten a better doctor and better glasses that I need to see because I’m going blind. Anyway I’m back to one of my 2 old eye doctors (I flipped between them based on location and who could get me in without a 15 month wait) and they have always run consistent to one another. So I know where I’m staying here on out. Also? She got me to 20/15 which she apparently can never accomplish in people with eye-sight as bad as mine and I can confirm has not happened in a really, really long time. I’m so excited for those glasses to come in! I’ll read all the things! ALL OF THEM! *cough*

Lucas, who turns 7 today *sob* will be getting his first pair of glasses, and while we aren’t surprised he needs them, we are surprised just how bad his eyes are at his age. When Thomas first got glasses he could take them off to play. Not Luke. I think this kid is about to see a whole new world! Also; he won’t sit with his nose glued to the TV while watching anymore.

Sammy, who also sits nose to TV, has been confirmed to do so because she is 3. The good doc did detect she isn’t exactly 20/20, but it’s a small degree of vision imperfection and usually not worth trying to convince a 3yo to take care of glasses over, unless there are other signs of trouble. (There aren’t.) So while Sammy will indeed be wearing glasses in the future, she isn’t there yet. Which is good. It’s inevitable with the poor girl’s genetics, but I really am not up to that battle.

Lady Parts:

I’ll spare you details. However, let me say that while I am two years out of sync on what should be a yearly appointment due to first no insurance, and then a chaotic uprising, I’m back on track here and scheduled for my yearly. Also: When was your last well check here? Guys, I know most/all of us are falling apart in so many ways, but this appointment is so important and can not be skipped. These doctors look for some scary stuff. Especially scary if left untreated. So please, if you are behind, pick up the phone and schedule now. No insurance? Planned Parenthood takes care of so much of this as well, for I believe decent prices. It varies by location; ask.

HEAD:

I’m doing mostly ok in the mental health department, but this is with the help of a dozen pills a day. Since getting back in, I have been seeing my meds doctor regularly. Then, despite a few month blip where I had to cancel due to a funeral, and then not making it back in for a bit, I am back to seeing my therapist every couple of weeks. I actually had a meds appointment today, which is why I owed you this blog post and didn’t write it on the spot, and we had a discussion on the current main symptom, which I’ll get to in a second. First we’ll discuss the pill regiment up until today’s addition.

First, I’m on Cymbalta 60mg every morning. It’s my go-to anti-depressant and I actually look forward to taking it when I start to fall apart. Oh, it kills my sex drive and makes me fat, but it is also the best I’ve found at making me feel stable, without the robotic after taste.

I take 300mg of Trileptal every AM and 600 in the PM. It is the mood stabilizer that has always been good to me. Again, no robotic after taste. As an added bonus, it doesn’t want to kill me like Lamictal does. (Can you imagine death by rash?)

New for me is my twice a day 1mg of Ativan. This is a fairly low dose (higher than the 1mg part implies) that doesn’t take away all my stress and anxiety, but it takes away the physical tics it brings. A higher dose that kills the anxiety does things to me (man). But as my anxiety tends to make my skin crawl and other just not fun things, I’m on a high enough of a dose to prevent that crap. As an added bonus: for the first time in about 7 years, not only do I have hair but it’s past my shoulders now!

So today I went in with the intent on talking about my rage. Sure enough, when the other symptoms are under control, I become a raging beast. I’m not psychical or violent, but I’m loud and can use hurtful words. I think we all know first hand that words can hurt just as much, if not more, than violence and actions. So after brief discussion, per my request I start back on Geodon tomorrow. Oh, antipsychotics aren’t a joy to be on, but I’ve been on/off them enough to know the pros and cons of either side of that decision and I’m looking forward to feeling more like Dr Jekyll, and less like Mr Hyde again. (More Banner, less HULK?) Even if it does mean I’m going to eat every carb in sight and pack on another 20 pounds.

KNEES?:

Speaking of packing on another 20 pounds, I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been and I don’t like it! It’s like over the past 3 months I have just packed it on! Well, with the Holidays behind me, I’m fixing that, dammit. I wouldn’t say I’ve given up pop, but I’ve cut way down and am working on drinking a lot more water. I’m eating less pasta and more rice. I’m doing my best to be more physically active, but I’m writing this a week after buying my first cane (knees!), so there is that. Nevertheless I don’t need the cane everyday, so on my good days I’m going to go out and walk/run the neighborhood like I swore to when we first moved in (and then life fell to shit around me). I won’t ever be society’s idea of skinny, but that’s ok. I just want to be happy with my body within my own ideals of attractive, and I’m not. I also want to fit all my clothes again, and I don’t.

MOUTH:

Ugh. I can’t even… It took us something like 8 years to find a dentist that both took our insurance and was someone we were willing to go back to. I tell you, there are a lot of bad dentists in the world. It’s even worse than regular General Practitioners. We finally fund one just to have him close down his business in the past year (had to go back home due his mom’s failing health). I don’t even care that he was in the opposite side of town. I would have made the drive. Now I’m back to square one and we are all well over-due for a visit. I seriously… Why is this so hard? I mean, I can tell horror stories. I really liked the dentist that we finally found too.

NOSE:

Speaking of general practitioners… I need one of these even more than I need a dentist but I’m seriously dragging heels about this. Frankly, most just don’t know how to help me or are scared of me. How my Borderline Personality Disorder scares a way a doctor that won’t even be treating it as I have a great mental health team, is beyond me. I literally could scream. Dear Doctor, if you want to be frightened away by a condition, at least let it be the fact you aren’t competent in treating fibromyalgia. Oh, about that. Mind you, I’ve only had one doctor ever even realize I suffer from fibro, so that is annoying in itself. But now that it’s finally on record, I’m opening with that. However, the reason I’m not going back to that doctor, besides the fact he’s terrified of my mental health that he isn’t treating, is that he was constantly wanting to treat the fibro with meds I was already on for the mental health or meds I had been on for it. First off, and yes this does give you some leeway to be scared of the BPD monster, you can’t just throw a mental health pill at a mental health patient, without considering the repercussions. Also, if I was on a pill for years for my mental health and it never ever helped my fibro, why would it suddenly magically make my fibro better now? Ok, I’ll humor you. Oh look, I’m suddenly suicidal because misuse of antidepressants can do that, ironically. Alright, fine. Maybe his fear of my mental health WAS valid. But only because he was a moron. And he isn’t even the doctor that I walked out on, or the one who put me on blood pressure meds to treat the wrong kind of headache, and then claimed he was 150% sure that the meds weren’t what caused me to gain 20 pounds suddenly over a 2 month span despite me doing everything else right. (True fact: In a study of whether or not blood pressure meds cause weight gain, what he put me on was called out by name to cause rapid and massive weight gain. Yet he was 150% positive that those meds don’t cause weight gain and in fact tried to pin it on the fact I just had a baby. This was about 6 months AFTER giving birth.) So needless to say I’m a little skeptical about the medical profession and not looking forward to having to find yet another new doctor. However, the husband is insisting and it would be nice to have someone to see should I have a general illness, and should he actually know how to treat my fibro, and not be scared by the BPD monster… well, I’m not holding my breath.

Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes

Bleh

Things That Made Me Chuckle This Week: Version Captain America Civil War

Posted on January 20, 2015February 12, 2015 by kmarrs

This week has a theme that I would apologize for if the apology wouldn’t be a lie.

Some of these have sources as part of the image, though they are zoomed down due to so many frames. The rest… well this is going crazy all over in tumblr land so I tracked most of them down as far as this blog but from there I’m not sure. Sorry. If anyone wants to claim or give perfect sourcing, I’ll be happy to include it.

There you go. Again, I’m not sorry because these are amusing as hell and I’m just super excited for the real thing and basically all MARVEL movies ever.

Also: Real post soon, I promise!

Walking The Borderline

Where Life Takes You When You Are Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

Month: January 2015