I Was Hallucinating

I Was Hallucinating. I’m not entirely sure what I saw. There were lots of people with lots of bags trying to get everything on something long and skinny like a train.

I was lying in bed with my eyes open when I saw this in the dark.

Today is the day I cut my antipsychotic dose in half.

I’m very discombobulated right now. It’s taking a lot of effort to put together letters into words right now so I’m going to end this. But I needed it share before sleep and morning cause me to forget.

What If

I’m bored beyond belief and want to blog. I have nothing in particular to blog about so I stole this from BPD in OKC.

1. You see a strange car pull up to your neighbor’s house every day at lunch time. You accidental glance into the window of the house and notice that your ‘happily married neighbor’ is fooling around! What do you do?
I don’t really know. In this neighborhood I’d keep it to myself. If I lived in a better neighborhood I guess it would depend on well, I don’t know.

2. You are at the mall and a mom with really annoying screaming little kids is walking in front of you. She goes to give her kids a quarter for the giant gum ball machine and she accidentally drops a $10 bill and doesn’t realize it. What do you do?
Dude. I’m poor. And 10$ is half a package of diapers. At the same time I’d probably hand it over. there is that chance that she is as bad off as me.

3. You get an email from a candy company telling you that they will send you 6 pounds of delicious chocolate if you blog about their product. When you get the product and try it you realize that it is the worst chocolate that you have ever tasted. What do you do?
Tact is something I don’t have. If I don’t like it I’m going to tell the world. Speaking of which, Throwback Mountain Dew is horrible. And no one paid me to say that.

4. Texting while driving is one of the most dangerous and annoying things someone could do. Yet, what would you do if you were driving and listening to the radio when the announcer says that he will give $10,000 to the first person with your name that texts a message to him?
I’d pull over and then text.

5. You’ve been invited to your boss’s house for a dinner party. It’s dark out and there is poor lighting when you get there. As soon as you get inside you realize that you have stepped in dog poop and you have tracked into your boss’s house. What do you do?
I’d ask for some paper towels and some type of cleaner.

6. You are at a restaurant waiting for your food to arrive. You’ve waited nearly 30 minutes since the moment you placed your order when your food finally shows up. There is a hair on the top of the food. Do you send it back and wait another 30 minutes or do you deal?
I’d inform them I was leaving.

7. If you had the power to do so, what would be the one question that you would like to ask anyone who reads this?
Would you like to do my laundry for a year? Month? Week?

Well that was short.

This Just In…

I think I have an UTI. Going potty is painful. I’m going to see about leaving work in time to go to the urgent care tomorrow. It’s either that or leave early enough to go to my doctor on Monday. Both would work I guess. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow on whether I can wait or not. Because I’ll most likely be leaving work early Monday regardless due to things being dead at work.

Me and Pat, Pat and I

I think we are doing better.

I still say stupid things from time to time.

But he’s spending more time with me. Purposely setting aside time to spend with me. I don’t think he’d do this if leaving me was the plan. We are playing wow together. I’ve watch his netflix movies with him. I’m going to ask him to watch mine with me. He’ll probably say no, but maybe not. Either way there has been real quality time spent together. And that is a huge first step.

I’m working hard at recognizing when I’m being manipulative and owning up to it. I’m working on not being manipulative. I’m working on not blaming BPD when I deserve the blame. These all go hand in hand. He is suppose to tell me when I’m being manipulative and I don’t realize it so that I can write it down and make a list to take to therapy. There is only one time on that list. So either I’ve caught onto all my manipulations in the past month or he just hasn’t had me write them down. I’m not sure which is which.

I’m working on my mental health. I’m working on PLEASE MASTER from DBT. PLEASE stands for treat PhysicaL illnes, balance Eating, avoid mood Altering drugs that aren’t prescribed, balance Sleep, get Exercise. MASTER stands for build MASTERy.

I’m working on getting my physical health diagnosed and treated: acid reflux, tension headaches, migraines, corns on my feet.

I’m working on getting my mental health diagnosed and treated: BPD ADHD, OCD, severe anxiety.

I’m working on balancing my eating. I’m trying to get myself to 4 mini meals a day. A granola bar for breakfast. Something fast and simple for lunch. Another granola bar for afternoon snack. And a light dinner with the family 3 hours before bed. I just need to buy the granola bars. Next month.

Avoid mood altering drugs that aren’t prescribed. No problem. This includes alcohol. The temptation has been there but so far I’ve resisted. Unless you count the shot of Bailey’s I put into my french vanilla cappuccino. First time in a long time I had booze of any sort and it was a small amount. I’m racked with guilt for even that small amount. I feel like I cheated on myself and DBT.

Balancing sleep is harder. I’m trying to time it so I’m getting 10-8 hours a night. Not any less if it can be helped. And not to much more if it can be helped. I’m one of those people that could sleep all day. But I wake up worse than I was going down.

Exercise. Fuck it. I don’t have the energy or the motivation. Once it gets warmer and Luke is older I’ll take him on nature trails. We have time to kill while Thomas is in school. This summer I’ll take them both. We’ll drag Pat with us. The family will go for nice walks in the park. But right now it’s simply too cold out. Though if we get another lingering snow I do want some nature shots from a park.

Build Mastery. This basically means do one activity a day that makes you feel in control and happy. There are a long list of possibilities. Such things include: bubble baths, photography, playing games, puzzles, sex, cooking, sleeping, planning a career,getting out of debt, reading, losing weight, buying gifts, doing something new, etc, etc, etc. There are 176 items on the list with room to add you own. I am working on this. I try to do something on that list every day. Mostly with my husband. We play wow. We’ve had sex. We’ve watched movies. I’ve read. I’m buying a gift for Luke and Thomas in a few days.

What did all that have to do with me and Pat? I’m working on becoming a better person for my husband. I feel if my mental and physical illnesses are being treated I stand a better chance at being what he needs.

In turn he is doing the same for me. He sees his brand new doctor on Tuesday. He is going to tell his doctor everything mentally and physically wrong and then do as the doctor advises. This will be a long process but he is getting the ball started. It doesn’t help that he loses his medical insurance for about 3-6 weeks right smack in the middle of all this. But we’ll get it straightened out and my hubby will be treated for everything he needs treated for.

We are fixing our individual selves so that together we can be whole and not broken.

Is our marriage fixed or broken? I was broken but we are in the process of fixing it. I don’t know how close to done we are. Just when we think we’ve made progress we find something else that we didn’t realize was broken. But we’re working on it together. I’m seeing progress.

I’m paranoid he doesn’t though. Who knows maybe he’ll enlighten us in the morning. Maybe he’ll write his own blog post. Or maybe he’ll comment to mine. Baby? Balls in your court.

Trivia About Me

Do you get regular massages?
I wish, but no

Do you have an answering machine?
I don’t even have a home phone. Now my cell phone of course ahs voice mail if that counts.

What cuss word do you use the most?
I’m not sure. I don’t think about it.

Are you underweight or overweight?

Can you see your veins?
What a weird question. You can see them in the crook of my arms and in my breasts. That’s about it. My feet too maybe. Basically where the skin is thin.


Oatmeal soap


Kind of red meat?

I don’t really like fish. I eat other types of seafood

Candy bar?
Umm…. One?

Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips?
I don’t like the bottoms of a bag of chips.

Eaten lobster?
Yep, I love it

Climbed a mountain?
I’ve climbed steep hills.

Been skydiving?

Been water skiing?

Do You…

Wish you could change something about your life?
I wish I made more money.

Like your nose?
It’s fine.

Like salt and vinegar chips?
I’m not sure.

Eat salsa?
Love it

Own a boat?
I’m lucky to own a car and it barely runs. A boat can’t get me to work.

What Is…

A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences?
I don’t know. The person who answered before me said stopping at red lights. We’ll go with that.

Your most macho trait?
I’m a great daddy.

The longest relationship you’ve ever had?
I’ve been with Pat for 7 years now.

Your most embarrassing thoughts?
I’ve had many thoughts that should embarress me but I’m too tactless to feel embarrassed.

Your most shameful moment?
I don’t know. Just one?


Shower. I get bored in baths.



Jelly/Cream Cheese?
Mmmm totally cream cheese

Untoasted bagel… I don’t like anything toasted


My greatest weakness is…
My kids

I wish I was…

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are…
sell my kids, leave Pat, hurt anyone?

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is…


Credit card you had?
a capital one for students

Loan you got was for?
Unless friends and family count, I’ve never had a loan.

Paycheck was for how much?
Um, I have no idea

Time you had stitches?
Never had stitches

Time you went to the hospital for something?
I’m sure I don’t remember. My first stay overnight was when I gave birth to Thomas.


List everything you ate in the last 24 hours?
Mc Chicken, Mc Flurry, Brownie Loaf (it’s mini loaf of bread made out of brownie mix), french fries. This day ahs not been good to my diet

Last thing you used a credit card for?
I don’t remember it’s been too long

What was your job previous to the one you have now?
I was photographer for a chain photo studio.

Last thing you celebrated?
New Years

Last time you were at a sports bar?
I don’t think I’ve ever been to a sports bar.

Bipolar Toddlers?

Stolen from BPD in OKC

By Reuters

The number of children aged 2 to 5 who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and prescribed powerful antipsychotic drugs has doubled over the past decade, according to research released on Friday.

The research suggests that while it is still rare to prescribe powerful psychiatric drugs to 2-year-olds, the practice is becoming more frequent.

The data, compiled from 2000 to 2007, and published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, could inform testimony at the upcoming Boston-area murder trials of the parents of 4-year-old Rebecca Riley. The girl died of an overdose of mood-stabilizing medication in 2006.

A Boston child psychiatrist, Kayoko Kifuji, diagnosed Riley with bipolar disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder when she was 30 months old, and placed her on several powerful drugs: Depakote, an antiseizure medication also used for bipolar disorder, and clonidine, a blood pressure medication.

Kifuji’s testimony may be crucial to the fate of Michael and Carolyn Riley, who face first-degree murder charges. A grand jury and a review by the state’s medical licensing board cleared the doctor of wrongdoing.

Prosecutors claim the Rileys deliberately overmedicated their daughter to subdue her. The couple say they were following Kifuji’s instructions and their daughter died of pneumonia.

The case has shone the spotlight again on a debate within the psychiatric profession about whether bipolar disorder can be diagnosed in very young children and whether it is wise to prescribe powerful medications.


Bipolar disorder, characterized by severe mood swings, was once thought to emerge only during adolescence or later. But Dr. Joseph Biederman, a child psychiatrist at Harvard University, transformed views on the subject by arguing that children could have the disorder at extremely young ages.

He is credited with spearheading a more than 40-fold increase in the number of children diagnosed with bipolar disorder over the past decade.

Biederman was accused in 2008 by Republican U.S. Senator Charles Grassley of failing to fully disclose payments by drug companies, including some that produced medication for bipolar disorder. Biederman declined to be interviewed about the latest study.

“The psychiatric diagnosis of very young children is anything but an exact science,” said Harry Tracy, a psychologist and publisher of NeuroInvestment, a monthly publication specializing in central nervous system disorders.

“Such disparate causes as ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder, sexual abuse, and family dysfunction can produce very similar symptoms in a toddler.”

The report’s author, Mark Olfson, professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University, said about 1.5 percent of all privately insured children between the ages of 2 and 5, or one in 70 children, received some sort of psychotropic drug — whether an antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer, a stimulant or an antidepressant — in 2007.

If a child is diagnosed with bipolar disorder between the ages of 2 and 5, about half are prescribed an antipsychotic, such as Eli Lilly & Co’s Zyprexa, AstraZeneca Plc’s Seroquel, and Johnson & Johnson’s Risperdal. They are prescribed to about one in 3,000 2-year-olds, according to his report.

“There might be a role for these drugs but only after you’ve tried other interventions, with the parents, or with the parents and child together, but that is not happening when you examine the billing records,” Olfson said.

I want to hear your thoughts on this before I step up onto my soap box. Oh believe me, I will step up onto my soap box. Probably before I’ve even given people a chance to respond.

My response is in the comments.