It is common knowledge that Pat and I want 1-2 more kids. So yes, that’s a total of 3-4. I’m at a mental state of mine where I’m thinking I shouldn’t have had the 2 I’ve already have. Not that I regret them. I don’t think they are burdens. However, I am far from the mom I want to be. So I’m wondering, what right do I have to have more? So I can abuse and neglect them too?

Pat is saying if I could just go back to being a better person then we can try to go for the daughter we’ve always wanted. And that’s fine. But even if I flip back to being the perfect mother, what’s to keep me from flipping back to the evil monster I have been?

Pat says I’m better educated on BPD than anyone else who has it. I know everything from the criteria for diagnosis to what chemicals in my brain my meds affect. And that’s true. He isn’t the first person to tell me I’m highly educated and self aware on this subject. I have to be. If I didn’t know why I’m a monster, I really would kill myself. This education gives me hope that I can find the light at the end of the tunnel. But just because I know all this stuff does not mean I can automatically put it to use. It isn’t magic.

I can see why he’d think this knowledge would mean I can over come my mental health issues, but it really doesn’t work that way.

It’s almost like the more I know, the more lost in it I get.

Pat says instead of being someone who has bpd, I’ve become bpd. And all my research should make that impossible.

I feel like the expectations that have been set for me, have been set very high.

Here’s the reality. I’m :
Irrational
Moody
Filled with rage
Impulsive
Sensitive
Scared
Filled with anxiety
Not so unlike a child
Over flowing with stress
Over flowing with responsibly

And all that adds up to a wreck of a human being who is almost volatile in her moods and relationship.

And I’m sorry, but no amount of research will change that.

My only hopes is intense therapy (starts back up soon), DBT (starts in September) , the right pill combo, and time. Lots and lots of time.

In the meantime I am the monster in my kids’ closet. What right do I have to add more to the mix. Maybe ever.