My family life causes me distress and I feel guilty for that.
Today has been quite a day.
I had my meds appointment and we spent quite a long time talking about the meds I’m on, and their doses. Two of them went up. Mostly because we are questioning if I’m getting the full benefit. Then we added one, to help treat other symptoms.
I think we have the ingredients of my meds cocktail figured out. Now we just have to fine tune it. How much and how often, basically.
We spent awhile talking about my paranoia, dissociative disorder and depersonalization disorder. The paranoia will be helped by the increase in the anti-psychotic. The other two will just have to be dealt with. I’m only borderline in them.
Imagine that, I’m borderline in something. LOL So many people spend so much energy fighting the name borderline personality disorder. It simply doesn’t make sense. I’m borderline a rough dozen other illnesses, but I don’t actually have any of them. So I’m borderline with the diagnosis borderline personality disorder. Borderline in all the personality disorders, borderline personality disorder… It makes perfect sense to me where the name comes from. I think less energy should be spent on fighting the name and more energy finding a cure and treating those who need help. Hmmm, seems like common sense to me. Then again, common sense isn’t common.
I dunno. I’m not trying to offend anyone. Lord knows I’ve said more offensive things in my life. I’m sure there are plenty of good reasons that the name should be changed. I just happen to believe the name should be left alone.
If you want to argue with me, feel free. that’s what the comment area if for.
I think the redundancy of life is starting to get to me.
As a lot of my other symptoms clear up thanks to the meds I’m on, I’m left with the huge feeling of empty. I’m not void of emotion. You piss me off, I get angry. You make me happy I hop up and down and giggle. I’m more normal in those respects. But it’s almost like the drama that has fueled my existence for the past, oh, 25 years is going away and nothing is left to take it’s place. Like I have nothing left to fuel me.
Which should be great. A drama free existence is the best possible thing.
One slight problem.
What’s left to write about.
Hang on me few faithful readers. I have not abandoned. Things are just very quiet right now. It never stays that way though.
Who knows maybe the anti-anxiety I’m starting in a week will cause hallucinations like the celexa did at first and I can write about what I’m seeing.
For whatever it’s worth I’ve been working on my book some. So I am still writing. Just about past drama not current.
Getting worse is my dissociative symptoms. Or rather, I don’t think they are worse… I just thinking I’m noticing them more now that the other symptoms are calming down.
Say it with my guys!
I A-M B-O-R-E-D
Or something like that.
No wait, it’s more like this.
Dammit, I wish I could remember how I worded it to Kate. It made so much sense then. Here is to hoping I can recreate the train of thought.
I feel out of place in life. Like I don’t belong. Like I’m always on the outside looking in. Like I’m detached.
The correct phrase we are looking for here is dissociative disorder. It goes hand in hand with BPD. One of the 9 criteria in fact, if I recall. Actually upon looking it up, I’ve confirmed it’s the 9th one.
The thing is when I’m busy it’s like I have purpose and the feelings of detachment aren’t so bad. But when I’m bored the feeling of no purpose is made more severe by the realization that at that exact moment I really don’t have purpose…
I’m losing my track of thought here.
I guess my main point is I get bored way too easy and when I’m bored I start to lose connection to the world around me and I start losing my sense of self and existence.
I remember when I was working in Brenda’s lab how bored I was starting to get. It was severe enough that it started to worry Brenda. I don’t know that it annoyed her. It might have. But I think it was all around frustrating.
Things improved when I advanced to my own lab. I think mostly because I had more tools of amusement at my disposal. I could tear apart a machine if things got too bad. Or if I simply needed to fill a gap I had paper work or I could clean. All things I took great joy in doing.
None of that has gone away. But it’s starting to turn into the same old same old. Nothing changes. The same racks get scrubbed, the same floor mopped, the same scissors obsessively labeled and put away, and the same paperwork every week. in fact, less required paperwork now, than 6 months ago. Everything is getting done just as it should get done. My sense of responsibility won’t allow for anything less. However the joy that was there 6 months ago, isn’t there now.
Simply put, I’m bored. Bored with it all.
I don’t want to start daydreaming of changes of scenery. Let’s face it. No matter where I go or what I do, I’ll get bored with it in time. It’s all a part of who I am. Things are good where I’m at. Things are solid where I’m at. I have a job that I know and that I’m good at. I have a boss who may not always understand me, but he’s willing to try. He knows my limits, he knows what I deal with, and slowly but surely he’s being filled in on my illness. He’s supportive. I’ve had bosses who haven’t been. So I won’t look that gift horse in the mouth.
So no, the idea of moving on to something else is thrilling in theory. However I finally know myself well enough to know there isn’t any real point.
I guess I’m hoping that the addition of school will shake things up enough to keep my interest. I’ll be able to do my school work at the lab when things are quiet. And balancing school, work and home won’t allow for a dull or “I’m bored” moment. With the added advantage of being productive and worthwhile…
I just need to battle this empty life is pointless feeling.
Anything to battle that.
I suffer from depersonalization almost constantly.