We’re still in the early getting to know each other phase. But my first impression is holding true. Her office is really cozy and just feels like a safe space. Ruby herself is friend shaped and I feel really comfortable talking to her about anything.
Which is really great because a few sessions ago I opened up about the trauma in my life. The fact my step father was a bully. The bullying at school. My mom being a narcissist. The fact my first boyfriend was 8 years older then me, coerce me into sleeping with him regularly, and in all ways took advantage of my youth and inexperience and desire to please this older man whom was the first person to pay attention to me. We pulled words to what he was: a pedophile and a rapist.
Anyway we talked it all out and she is starting to piece together why I am the way I am.
BPD makes sense. Eve from a young age.
Being asexual makes sense. (Some asexuals are born that way. Some become asexual after trauma.)
The current project that I’m working on is tracking my emotions and recording what they do to me physically. Like how anger makes you tense up? Where do I tense?
I bought a little notebook and am planning to track for weeks beyond what she is asking of me. If I want to get rid of my anger response, for example, then I need to know what anger does to me so I can counter act it.
Also, I’m realizing, with help, that the 90% of my life that I feel stressed, the emotion attached to that is fear. Fear of failure. Fear I won’t get everything done. Fear I won’t have down time to just relax. My stress is a fear response and my stress is killing me.
So yeah. Therapy is going great and I really like Ruby. She is the best! I feel like that’s an understatement. But she is just really comforting and a really super effective therapist. She calls me on my bullshit. All with understanding and heart behind her words. And all while wearing fun socks, and no shoes.
About a year ago I wrote about having a girlfriend and being very happy in that relationship. She was everything I could want in a girlfriend, but it just wasn’t meant to be. There was no fighting or horrible breakup. It was calm and mutual based on distance and a couple of other factors that couldn’t be helped.
I will say she is one of my closest friends. Meeting her in person this past May (2018) was one of the best things I’ve done. It was nerve wracking to fly out to someone I’ve only known online. But sometimes you have to take chances like that and they pay off, usually.
Anyway, we’ve been broken up for awhile now. Less than I year, but maybe about 9 months? It’s no longer fresh. And it was about as healthy of a breakup as two people can have. We still adore each other. We send each other animal videos on Tumblr to show our affection. There just isn’t anything more to it possible beyond friendship. And that’s ok!
I know what I want to be when I grow up. As mentioned, I want to be the one who administers the tests and diagnoses people with ADHD and Autism. Especially women.
And that’s great, for a decade from now after I have my doctorate.
But here in August, I’m going to have to find a new job. I’m currently a work study and once I graduate I have to move on.
I also know I want to take 2 years off from school to concentrate on taking my GRE and finding the right grad school for me. That, and after the final push of completing my bachelor’s I could use a break.
But in those two years, I need to do something. I need to find a new job. I need to start looking in June.
And I don’t know what I want to do. At all.
I refuse to go back to retail or banking. I’ve had a cushy office job for 3 years now. I’ve grown used to it. I like being off in time for dinner. I like my weekends.
The closest to retail I’d be willing to do, is some sort of library job. It’s really tempting. It’s also a great way to have a set week day off, which I honestly need. But I just don’t know if I can go back to a service type job. It helps that there is no sales goal. And no register. But still, I don’t know that it’d be a healthy job for me. I’m currently really stable in my mental health and I don’t want to rock the boat too much.
But I need to find something. That pays well. And is hopefully at least 30 hours a week. So like Monday-Thursday. Or Monday-Friday with Wednesday off. You get the idea.
I just… I feel so lost. I don’t know what I want to do in the short term.
When I got really sick this past Fall and had to drop a class, I thought I was giving up on graduating this summer. But I worked the numbers, rearranged my planned classes, doubled up on course load for about 12 weeks, and I’m due to walk that stage this coming August.
I am NOT looking forward to the double course load. That will about do me in. However, I’m out of loan money so I need to go full-time anyway to get all my grant money and I need to graduate.
After I graduate this summer with my Bachelor’s in applied Psychology, I will take a couple of years off while I study for my GRE, take it, and then apply for grad school. During that time I hope to work a 9 to 5 as a receptionist or something. Maybe later hours. But still, something along those hours that isn’t retail.
Then the goal is to get accepted to OSU and study General Psychology for a masters, then for my Doctorate.
My end goal with all of that is to administer tests to diagnose, especially women, with ADHD and Autism.
So that’s the plan!
But first I need to survive about 12 weeks of hell. Though there is about 24 weeks of school total in my immediate future. Starting around now.
The district’s high school’s drama club is putting on a production of Cinderella in a few weeks. As a means of drumming up interest in the production, they hosted a Cinderella Tea Party for all the little kids in the district. It was on a Sunday afternoon and there wasn’t any real reason I couldn’t take Sammy, so away we went!
It was 5$ per kid (parents free) at the door, but that earned us unlimited access to the buffet of snacks and all the activities, so I consider it 5$ well spent.
The first thing we did when the doors opened was go and get her face painted. She wanted kitty whiskers and a black nose and it turned out super cute.
Then we hit the buffet! There was table after table piled high with snacks. Most of it was pure sugar and the kids were handed a plate, told to help themselves, and encouraged to pile them high. It was a sugar rush to end all sugar rushes.
After snacks, we went around to different activities. She crafted herself a crown and a magic wand. She ran an obstacle course. She played cornhole and bowled. She decorated a sugar cookie with pink frosting and sprinkles, then promptly ate it. There was also a little photo booth where it looked like she was sitting in Cinderella’s carriage.
She had a blast.
Then about 20 minutes before the event was over, the cast, who had been making rounds through the crowd the entire time, gathered and performed a few songs from their musical. They did a fabulous job.
I really enjoyed the quality time with Sammy. It got us out of the house and let her socialize with kids her age for awhile, outside of school. I got to see her at her happiest and playing with others. Turns out my kid is really creative and kind. She brings me such joy!
I took probably 3 dozen photos in all, but I narrowed them down to 6 to share with you. Please enjoy my daughter’s happiness!
So many people will tell you that high school was the best time of their lives.
Or I’ll look at the pressures of being an adult and wish I could be 7-years-old again.
But when I really reflect and meditate on it, while I didn’t have to worry about making rent when I was 7, I was not exactly a worry free child.
Right now, at this point in my life, I have more true friendship than I have ever before had. I’ve always been so fucking lonely. So lonely. But now? I have more friends than I can count. And while I would seriously benefit from a local best friend, that is no longer a dire need.
I have made so many friends on Tumblr that I can honestly say that my life is overflowing with love. I’m also on a few discord servers where I have everything from casual acquaintances I’m getting to know better, to those that I’ve really become good friends with.
Life is not easy right now. We are so finacially dependent on my mother and it is the most depressing thing. Additionally, any therapist will tell you that access to fun money is important. I’m not talking like hundreds of dollars. But even like 20$ a paycheck that can go towards seeing a movie, or buying a book you’ve been eyeing. And that just does not exist for me right now. Not without going further into debt. And it’s depressing.
But I feel like… with the power of friendship on my side there is less… well, not less stress, but less feeling like life is horrid. My friends can’t fix my financial woes. They can’t save me from the stress of balancing school, work and family. But they help distract. They are great to talk to, about serious stuff and silly stuff alike. They help ease the burden of life.
I always knew, even as a child, that I was lonely. But never, before now, did I realize how full life can be when you have friends on your side. And I would never trade this feeling for anything!