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BPD, Asexuality, and Open Marriages

Ok so I’m asexual and yet I need an open marriage?

I’ve touched on this a couple times, but I might as well complete the series with this.

See, when I fall, it’s for who a person is.  Their personality.  Character traits.  Inner being and beauty.  As such, I tend to fall for my closest friends, especially if I white knight them.  Now, as I’ve gotten older I’ve done this less and less because I’ve learned that more often than not it’s a BPD reaction, and not true love.  Oh, I mean I truly love the friend, but I’m not in love with them.  However, when I’m caught off guard, and I’m not happy with Pat, which happens in a marriage with two mentally ill people, I tend to deny to myself that I’m only white knighting someone, and throw my marriage to the dogs to try to be with them.

By opening the marriage, I’m less apt to sacrifice what I have with Pat, and more apt to listen to his logic and reason.  The logic and reason of someone who knows me all too well and isn’t emotionally attached to the person I think I love.  If I do fool around some, it’s within the guidelines of the marriage.  Though, this happens less than you think.  However, asexual or not…

I’ve never found myself to be much of anything.  So when someone pays me the right kind of attention when I’m at my lowest point, I tend to, I don’t know, want to please them.  And how do men want pleased?

There is one, and only one, noted exception to this.  One case that is true love and not BPD love for me. (Besides Pat, I mean.)  And while the rules of the marriage being open are actually a case by case basis, this person will always be the exception.  He is the man that… when I think of him my chest tightens.  I can’t breath.  He is this man.  He was a close friend I really did fall for.  True love because he is beautiful.  The most beautiful soul you could ever hope to meet and trustworthy with a fragile heart. He cares about me more than just about anyone ever has, and it’s always been for the sake of caring about me, not to get anything out of it, except maybe mutual caring.

Aside from him, really, I don’t know that I care to be out there with my heart or sex life.  I don’t feel the need for an open marriage on my end, because no one else outside of my marriage can compare to “him”.

Meanwhile I’m also participating in an open marriage because in the event of Pat’s lady being in town, I honestly want him to be able to be with her.  I recognize that she can take care of some of his needs that I can’t.  Being asexual and all.

Either way, this isn’t all so I can sleep around.  I don’t do that and never have.  I have no opinion on others who do/have.  It’s just not who I am and therefore not why my marriage is open.  I’m too asexual for that.  But I’m also too BPD to not need an escape hatch that doesn’t cut me off from my marriage.

I’m done hurting my marriage for stupid ass BPD white knights when Pat would rather I just flirt and get it out of my system anyway.  Besides, for all the white knights I’ve had, I’ve only slept with 2 of them in 31 years. (This isn’t counting Pat whom wasn’t BPD love but was indeed my only other documented case of true love.)  The other one I actually dated for a couple of years before Pat and before I realized what an ass he was.

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