I had my final, for a while, session with my Psychiatrist last week.  I’ve managed to keep up the stable long enough, and trying to get in is causing more stress than what it’s worth.  It’s something we’ve both known was coming for a while.  We’ve worked towards it.  Progressed to it.

I can’t imagine that I’ll never again see a Psychiatrist.  That is a wonderful goal, of course, and one I’ll strive for, but not as such that I’ll ignore obvious warning signs just to avoid that office.  I’d rather call her up at the first sign of danger and head it off, then try to make it without and get in over my head, and then drown.  Not worth it.

If the time should come, I have my instructions on what to do.  Since my case closes in 3 months (we’re keeping it open as long as possible just in case, and because we can) getting back in urgently can be tricky.  Should I call the front office, I’ll be waiting listed as a new patient.  Not awesome for urgent.  But, my doctor has instructed me to call her directly and she’ll get me in on the first available.  Could still take a month but that will be because her schedule is packed, not because I’m wait listed.

Because as stable as I am now, safe to be away, when BPD crashes, they crash hard and burn all that is near.  You don’t wait list that.  Not if you expect survivors.

So I feel safe.  Even as I step away from my safety net, I know they still care and will be there if I need them.  I’m just safe to walk away in the meantime.

And all is well.

Because even on my dark days, I’m showing signs of growth.  My fibro meds caused me to slip, I recognized it, I stopped them, and told my doc I needed something different.  Instead of letting it progress to a problem, I took action and all was fine.  When life gets complicated and I get the sads, I have the presence of mind to tell myself that my sads are based on this situation, here is how it’s already being fixed, and here is what I can do to make it better, and in the meantime.

Remission and recovery aren’t about never ever having a bad day.  That isn’t normal either.  That is mania.  It’s about taking the bad days in stride, recognizing their cause, and their solution.  Whether that solution is going to bed early and trying again tomorrow, or something like ending a marriage, changing a career, or moving.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life.

I make no apologies for that cheese.

May you find peace on your bad days, enjoyment on your good days, and have the presence of mind to know that life is made up of both.