My Mom

I wish I could remember that conversation and what I was going thru in my life for me to have answered in that manner. Maybe we can discuss it sometime off-line and you could refresh my memory ?? I’m truely sorry. I sent you for counseling while your dad and I were going thru our divorce and nothing surfaced then. How old were you? Can you forgive me ?

My mom likes to blame herself for my mental health. I don’t.

The one thing I can find fault in is the thing she makes reference to in the above quote.

I remember I was in the 6th grade. The only reason I know this is because my bedroom was in the basement at Brian’s house. Brian is my ex step father. Now if you want to blame someone’s actions for my mental health… But that is a whole different story. I remember I was sitting in bed my mom was standing beside me. I told her I thought I was depressed and needed help. She told me I had nothing to be depressed about. And that was that.

I was depressed from the time I was 12 up until well, now. If I blame anything, it’s the programming in my brain.

My mom was supportive of my in life.

She sold her violin to send me to band camp, though I quit marching band before band camp.

She bought me books in support of my love of reading.

We’d stay up late into the night talking about everything before she married Brian. Can’t blame her for stopping the late night talks after that. She was sharing her bed with her husband, not her daughter.

My mom also has mental health issues. Maybe it’s just depression, maybe it’s more. I’m inclined to think she too has BPD. If she does she’s in the recovery zone. She has her BPD moments but she is for the most part stable.

If she is BPD then that would in part explain why I’m BPD. This stuff is hereditary.

But I don’t blame my mom. None of this is her fault.

There is nothing to forgive.

3 thoughts on “My Mom

  1. How old were you when you started seeing the therapist ? First Dr. Schottenstein and later, Amy ? How much time had elapsted? I need this timeline in my head.

  2. I met Amy at school. She had it set up where she was at the school once a week and students could see her there. But only for a total of 7 or so times. After that you took me to Amy at her office over off Sawmill. She referred me to Dr S and I saw him maybe a year after I started seeing her?

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