As I have struggled over the past few weeks I have been guided to the simple fact that I get a life and personality reset. A blank slate to build myself, find myself, and who I am. I can wipe the slate of who I am clean and decide from this point on who I want to be.
I spent a week mostly refusing to leave a bed, unless I was draping myself over a sofa, doing nothing but reading, sleeping and thinking. There is a lot of thinking that can get done in a week.
During that time I reflected on what I like about myself. What I like about the corner stones of my life. What I like about the relationships, family friend and romantic, in my life. What did I want to keep as is? What did I want to lose completely? What did I want to keep but that needed tweaked a little bit to make them healthier and happier for me?
I have this blank slate before me of who I am. I wiped everything clean. I immediately pinned back on the things I love. I love my career and the company my career is with, so clearly I’m keeping that. I love that I’m caring and giving, so that went back up too. I’m still not happy with my marriage, so that stays off. I have a friendship or two that I’m very happy with but that needs some tweaking here and there to make them healthier and happier for all parties involved. What did I like about the friendships? Keep! What did I dislike about them? Tweak or toss. BPD traits were really getting in the way. Interpersonal relationships will always be hard, no matter how stable I become. Not that I’ve been stable as of late.
I’m listening to myself, my head and heart, as I do this rebuild. I’m listening to the collective of those in my life. If the general consensus is that something within myself needs fixed (hey, you might want to go back on meds) I’m going to listen and take that into account on this rebuild. Granted, I won’t shape myself to please any one person, but if everyone around me is saying the same damn thing, it’s time to take notice. Even if it’s just one voice, but they are the authoritative voice, like say my boss and it’s work related, I don’t need to wait for the consensus to join in. By that point my job is in jeopardy.
I am not the same person that went into the hospital. I don’t yet fully know who I am, yet, but I’m going to like her.
So, my friend, will you.