I’ve been very preoccupied with the idea of cutting lately. I don’t know why. I can’t begin to fathom why. I just want to so bad. Every time I see a box cutter at work, my tool of choice, I immediately start day dreaming about cutting again. I honestly think the only reason I’m not cutting is because I’m too scared Pat would leave me over it.

Part of me wonders why I’m sharing this.

Another part of me know this is a taboo part of BPD. So if it’s out there and more and more people are willing to talk about it, maybe it’ll become a little less taboo. And maybe if it’s a little less taboo more people would be willing to talk about it instead of cutting. Like maybe talking about it and the pain that inspires it will help lessen the need to cut.

There is so much taboo and stigma around BPD and it’s demons. I’m here to be rid of the taboo one subject at a time. That is my battle. That is why I’m here.

I’m not sure talking about it really works though. I still want to cut same as ever. But hell, I tried, right?

4 thoughts on “Preoccupation

  1. When I first read this I decided to go and reread the book I have called "CUT". It scares me that you'd start again and I hope that you'll find someone to talk to about why you feel the need again to do this. There's got to be a better way to deal with these feelings you find so overwhelming.

  2. Karen,
    I am sorry to hear you feeling this way…. hope you can find a way to cope. definately a temptation to be resisted… I know this will probably sound so stupid, just try to find the good things no matter how small, sometimes those tiny little threads are what hold me where i need to be, instead of where i would like to go. I dont cut… i ThinK i understand the emotional release it offers though.

  3. Mom, Mom B, and Tracy… I know I know, really I know. It is just a very powerful pain release. It really is. I know it's not the answer I need though.

    New meds in just a few days. There is hope out there.

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