I no longer know if I’m being Supportive of Karen, or being an enabler…

all I know is that I’m Miserable, Unhappy, and don’t know how to handle any/all of this any more.

I’m scared of talking around her because I’m not sure what id say out of Anger, or out of love for that matter.

every other word out of her mouth these days brakes my heart and fills me full of questions I’m scared of getting the answers too…

Ive heard the Cliche “I Love you, but I’m no longer IN love with you…” but right now Its backwards for me… Im very much in love with Karen. But I dont like who she has become in just a few months time, and im finding it very hard to love her.

every once in a while she does somthing as simple as stretching and yawning and my heart flutters…

Is it the meds that have changed her? Her obsession with BPD? RL Stress Building up?

All I know is, this change is not for the better.

or maybe I have it backwards again and this change is better for her. its just not better for me and the Boys. maybe it was a bad idea for her to marry someone like me and have children so young and now she is growing up and feeling stuck.

the only thing im sure of is I’m not Happy… every thing else is Obscured by “if’s” and “Maybe’s”

retort and/or clearifacation.

Pat says I’m better educated on BPD than anyone else who has it. I know everything from the criteria for diagnosis to what chemicals in my brain my meds affect. And that’s true. He isn’t the first person to tell me I’m highly educated and self aware on this subject. I have to be. If I didn’t know why I’m a monster, I really would kill myself. This education gives me hope that I can find the light at the end of the tunnel. But just because I know all this stuff does not mean I can automatically put it to use. It isn’t magic.

I want to pick apart this paragraph for starters…

“better educated on BPD then Most anyone I know.”

it was not meant as a compliment… or an insult for that matter. the context of the Statement was in reference to the acute disorder most Psych majors get at some point. they see themselves in every illness they study. Karen is doing that to an extreme.

1 am…

My wife is trying to get me to undergo a major remodeling of the basement and living room, and she wants to do it RIGHT NOW.

2 desks moved up, books/book shelves moved, and TV moved down… RIGHT NOW.

I wouldn’t caved on doing it RIGHT NOW so now she doesnt want to do it at all, EVER…

mind you I was all for doing it, I think its a great idea… but not RIGHT NOW.


Good night.