Words From My Husband’s View

In A World

Posted on by kmarrs

BPD and IntelligenceIn a world where beauty is the first thing noted.

In a world full of world full of words like: beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, cute, adorable, sexy, etc.

In a world where intelligence seems to be the afterthought.  They’ll notice your tits before they notice how you can foil out those binomials.

In a world where really complimenting someone on their intelligence, well, “smarty pants” is filled with sarcasm.

Try this one for size:

Injeni (adj) [in-jee-nee] –  Magically intelligent.
I.E. Einstein was injeni, as is Neil deGrasse Tyson.

And if you like it, follow this link here and like it there.  Pass it on.  Share it with your injeni friends.  A certain Wyld Tree Ogre I know and hold in the highest esteem (because he is rather injeni) would really appreciate it.  As would I.

"Marriage"-Pat: A Borderline (BPD) Marriage

Posted on by kmarrs

I am not making this post to be malicious or vindictive. I’m posting Facts as I see them and my intent for the following 1-3 months.

I’m posting this here because Karen Likes to Share everything with her followers and because this relates Directly to BPD.

after the first of the Year I am Filing for a Divorce. I am not doing so because my Wife has BPD I’m doing so because in the past 2 years my wife has Educated herself on everything dealing with BPD and it has made the Manipulative nature of her Disorder that much worse.

I find it ironic that being educated to your illness can make it worse but in the case of BPD that is a fact. Please don’t get me wrong, Its one thing to know its another to obsess…

to my wife I’m nothing more then a tool. a Coping Mechanism to deal with every day life.

I handle the Cooking so she wont burn herself, I handle the kids so she doesn’t hurt them, I handle the money so she doesn’t over spend, and now I even handle the Driving so she doesn’t wreck the car.

all the while I sit at home and stress out carrying the load of two people emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc… as well as carrying the load of three people physically(Read; I’m fat).

I used to have an awesome sense of humor, Love of Music, Love of Life, love… but Ive burnt myself out. Ive given my heart and soul to this marriage fully… and I’m out of fuel.

I could handle the BPD when we didn’t know it was BPD. but now that she knows this disorder in and out. she knows what buttons to push, what excuses to make, she knows that I would be the bad guy if I even tried to blame her and not her disorder for the mistakes, mood swings, etc…

BPD Isn’t the cause of all your mistakes Karen, not even half of them. its not an excuse. It is PART of who you are and I understand that, BUT IT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE.**

now that I am Calm, I say again. after the first of the year if you have not been able to figure out the difference**, I will be forced to do what is right for the Kids, Myself, and you…

I can only assume that this will be my last post on this blog so with that fear in mind I would like to thank all of the people that have supported Karen and myself in the past couple years and hope you all continue to support her in the years to come. I do hope I will be posting again in 2010 with good news but we will see…

Love
Pat

 

In Response aka I’m so Happy

Posted on by kmarrs

Pat’s live journal:

Karen and I…

there are so many ways I could end that sentence.

when we met we were players in someone Else’s game, when we fell in love we were players in someone Else’s game, when we were happy we were players in someone Else’s game.

I tried so many times to try to breath life in that aspect of our lives to try to rekindle those feelings we had. to make the list I still have of reasons why I was better then Brandon speak the truth once again, and I kept failing because of one key ingredient… it was never someone Else’s Game. It was mine. with it being my game I didn’t have the time for her that she deserved and it never did what I intended. thus I always lost interest because as much as I loved my other gamers, it was always for her… and I failed over and over again.

18. Me First
28. Karens are good distractions
29. Patience with me when Role playing.

2 weeks ago we found a Game. DDO. its D&D online. it creates the Illusion that we are playing D&D again. Side by side. as Equals. Because of this we have found ourselves enjoying each others company more then we have been. we have still had our arguments in the past 2 weeks but they have been husband and wife arguments not Crazy bouncing off of Crazy Arguments.

We’ve cuddled for the sake of Cuddling. we have spent time together doing NOTHING and enjoyed it. I got to do naughty things with my wife not for a single minded messy goal but because I wanted to hear her make cute lil noises(TMI I know but deal with it).

Karen and I…

*happy Sigh*

that sentence is perfect the way it is.

I don’t even know how to begin.

I’m really enjoying playing DDO with my husband. I enjoy his company. I enjoy having something in common. I even, and this is selfish, enjoy that he has said he doesn’t have fun playing without me. I know I don’t have fun without him. I even find I enjoy him more outside the game now that we are enjoying this together. It’s like his patience with me in game carries over to out of game. And a little patience goes a long way. Lord knows I require it.

And internet, here is the best part: I love him more these days.

I don’t know what it us. We are calmer. Happier. Nicer to one another. We are enjoying laying in bed and just chatting. I don’t mind the feel of his arm across my body. I’m even kissing on him more and requiring more hugs.

I think it’s because when we play I get his undivided attention. And the more attention I get, the more I want and the more he enjoys giving it to me.

Internets, I’m eating it up!

This is what love is suppose to feel like!

Saint Patrick Ver 2.0

Posted on by kmarrs

Before you look at the title and think im patting myself on the back please read on… its not what you think.

48 hours ago I had an ex try to reconnect with me. I don’t know if she was after friendship, a booty call, just curious what has changed in 9 years, or what.

she asked me a ton of questions and after the “seeing anyone?” question the follow up was… well, the inspiration for this post. kinda.

“are you happy?”

I love her…

“are you happy?”

we have two beautiful children…

“aww… Are you happy?”

some times.

“sometimes?”

“huh?”

the answer to your question is buried in that blog, that’s my wife.

-12 hours pass-

I woke up to an e-mail, it explained that she read the blog back to front and then asked me a few more questions, an hour or two later she logged into yahoo IM and simple said…

“You are a Saint. My respect for you has grown by leaps and bounds.”

now let me explain that the girl in question was being sincere, she doesn’t have a sarcastic bone in her body…

now that I explained the source of this post lets get to my reason for posting.

If you are a person who deals with a mentally ill person/people on a regular basis and you do your best to accommodate them and at the same time treat them like a regular person you are in my eyes a saint and deserve my thanks, and Karen’s for that matter.

Examples that hit close to home would be Deb, my best Friend Rob, Karens best friend Stacy, Brenda, Karen’s bosses and Fellow employs, my best friend Jesse, Skates, etc…

Its hard to do for someone like ME and I deal with mental illness daily and have since I was a wee lil fellow, and have an inside understanding of what its like to be diffrent. but for a normal Functioning person… thats saintly.

now you may notice that I throw around the phrase “best friend” alot above…

I can count all my true friends who I trust to a fault on one hand, and 2 out of the four of them I consider my best friends… because they take the above to a degree that is beyond saintly in my eyes.

Jesse and Rob both have gone out of their way to help my family. Rob makes it a habit of taking me out to eat atleast once a month. not because I need fed(LOL), but because its one of the only times I get out of the house in a given month.

it would take an entire other post to give Jesse Praise…

anyway, ive gotten of track if I was ever even on track. the point im getting at is. to all they people who have stuck with us even with our problems. I thank you with all my Heart. you are a saint.

Im an enabler…

Posted on by kmarrs

So Karen and I went to the pet store today to buy “A” Rat to go along with TK’s ONE Rat…

already I’m less then 12 words in and I’m sure you can see where this is going.

the same gentlemen(and I use the term VERY loosely…) that sold me TK’s Rat was our ‘helper’ today.

since we came in with a purpose he helped us get right too it. he grabbed the Tank from behind the glass wall and ushered us to a Doggy Cubicle to see which rat would best suit our needs.

Karen immediately dives for a light Gray female. mind you while we waited for him to get the tank and after a few questions prior to that we decided another male was our best bet.

while she had that rat in hand(nearly in pocket) I checked the gender of the other three rats… 2 boys, and one more Girl.

so I showed her the boys(which were also twins) and she ‘settled’ briefly on one of them. so he came back with a box and we had Hairy#1 in teh box.

striking up conversation with the gentlemen we explained how we settled on this one because our first choice was the grey Lil girl rat who has yet to be named.

we settled because we didn’t want baby rats… seems logical, but he points out that they buy the babies shortly after birth for a dollar each(a fraction what we paid for imp).

so Hairy#1 is tossed(lovingly) back into the tank with Hairy#2 and the other Lil girl. Lil grey girl is quickly boxed up by my wife.

more conversation takes place and I have my wife wanting to instead buy Hairy #1 And #2 because the idea of splitting up ‘twins’ seems mean…

the GENTLEMEN then points out ‘ya, chances are the next person that buys one wont be worrying about braking up twins because it would be snake food… about half the time.’

Karen starts crying her eyes out…

the Gentlemen and myself then start to negotiate more for Karen’s sake then either of ours.

7 minutes later we are walking out of Petland with 2 Lil boxes… 2 boys in one, 2 girls in the other.

we got one of the rats for free…

P.s.

*I* named the Boys both Hairy because the have a white lightning bolt across their forehead and we cant tell them apart.

if in the future it becomes more obvious which one is which one of them will be renamed Perry