Thought Provoking Archive

Proud in Battle

Posted November 13, 2012 By kmarrs

First off, I am so very and publicly proud of some of the results this country accomplished last Tuesday.

We voted:

  • A disabled woman to the Senate
  • An openly gay woman to the Senate
  • Elizabeth Warren, who has a higher IQ than the rest of the Senate joined, to the Senate
  • By popular vote, 3 or 4 more states that allow gay marriage
  • A state that has marijuana usage legal, not matter what
  • More states that decriminalized or made it legal for medicinal purposes
  • And I don’t recall hearing abortion was voted illegal anywhere

We moved forward!

The man I voted for president, did not win.  I knew he wouldn’t.  Even without him standing a chance, I wanted people to take note. So many told me I wasted my vote by voting for Gary and I never agreed. But if he could maker others go “oh shit,” then all the better. I don’t think there would be a better way to force the Democrats and GOP to take notice then for a 3rd party to win a major deal breaking state like Ohio. Sometimes it isn’t about winning, it’s about making everyone else take notice. It’s also about picturing the look on the collective GOP face should Gary actually pull off a win. He didn’t win this, fine. But he lost with grace and with numbers better than the primary parties thought possible, even at just 1%. Now they will have to question what else is possible.

Sometimes voting strategy is less about the next 4 years and more about the next 400. A new era of having more than just 2 parties taken seriously. An era of plenty of options so people aren’t just going with the lesser of two evils. Sometimes the strategy is about making a statement so that an underdog, who shouldn’t be an underdog, can debate in the debates he met the requirements for. Why did both Obama and Romney work together to not let Gary debate? Isn’t it weird that this is the only thing those 2 have ever worked together on? And lame.

I had planned to vote for Gary since back when he first announced well over a year ago and was working towards the Republican ticket. I still think he could pull both parties together towards bipartisanship because he fits so equally between the two parties on the issues, so things could get done. Or they would team together against him as president, as they have during the election months. Might teach the Democrats and Republicans to work together. Common enemy.  Should he have won? He didn’t. But he did make people take notice and he brings hope that the next era of voting and leadership will bring true choice. That was my strategy. That is what I voted for.

Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe I’m a daydream believer. Maybe no third-party will ever have a chance. Maybe I’m naive in thinking it doesn’t have to be this way. Maybe I think it’s time for a revolution of sorts. Not on a battlefield. Dear God no. But a figurative revolution named for a serious cry out for change in the system. Laws can be amended. The constitution can be amended. Will this change happen in my lifetime? Probably not. But there is no reason to think it can’t ever happen. We’ve come a long way. There is no reason to think this nation is stunted in its growth and can’t ever come even and ever further. There is no reason to think the laws and habits that govern how we elect and select our leaders will never and can never be changed. Maybe not in a matter of a few years or a few elections, but unless the world really is ending this December, I do feel we have time even if my generation won’t live to see it. Doesn’t mean my generation can’t start the fight for it. (My generation is the 1%.  The 1% that voted for another, better option.)

It shouldn’t even be a fight. It should be a matter of adjusting to the times. But then I suppose with our leaders (still) bickering over what constitutes as rape, I shouldn’t be surprised at the lack of forward motion. With this election we could stay in place, go back 60 years, or start the process of moving forward. Yes I’m aware, the third option is wishful thinking, but it shouldn’t be.

And while I’m sad Gary didn’t win, or even get the 5% popular vote he was striving for, I will admit I’m greatly relieved it was Obama who did win.  My first choice?  No.  But a good choice.  A lessor of a few other evils, choice.

Now with everything said and done, I call for the nation to move forward with grace.  We are a nation almost 100% split down the middle.  If we don’t work together towards healing, compromise and bipartisanship, that figurative revolution I called for in congress and/or the courtroom may well turn into a literal revolution on the battle field where words become bullets and we all lose.  All of us.  Every.  Single.  One.

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Election

Posted October 30, 2012 By kmarrs

So apparently it’s an election year?  You’d never guess with how quiet and polite everyone is being with it.  Hardly a word on twitter.  And Facebook?  Silent!

No, I’m not here to tell you why my candidate is the only option and yours is worthy of being stoned to death.  Because honestly?  At this point, they all are.  Yes, even the guy I voted for 4 years ago. (No I don’t actually want anyone stoned to death.  Or anything to death.  I do want them to play nice but violence isn’t the answer.)

Sure if he wins, I’ll be ok with it.  But he isn’t actually who I voted for (we can vote early in Ohio).  Nope, I didn’t vote for the warm weather, hand gear either.

I decided to give the system my middle finger.  I actually voted for the guy I said I was going to vote for over a year ago.  I decided it time we got rid of the two-party system and introduced a serious contender for a third, if not fourth or fifth party.

So many told me they liked the guy I voted for.  So many more told me that by voting for him I was wasting my vote.  “He’s great and all but he’ll never win so why even bother voting from him!”  (It was never a question, always a statement of fact.)

Yes.  Well.  Last time I checked, he can’t win if nobody votes for him because he won’t win.

I’m not here to name names.  I’m not here to tell you to vote for my guy.  I am, however, here to tell you to vote for who you really want in office.  Sure, maybe the odds really are stacked against him or her.  But if enough people vote for who they honestly want to win not who they think can win, then maybe next time around the third, fourth and fifth parties will be taken a touch more seriously and for once we can look to someone who isn’t a democrat or a republic.  Because really, don’t they both make you just a touch ill, even if one makes you a touch more ill than the other?

And for the record, the only such things as a “wasted vote” is a vote given to someone other than who you actually want to win.

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Faith

Posted October 5, 2012 By kmarrs

This is hard for me to write.  Not because it’s a topic I’m afraid of.  No, we’re way past that.  It isn’t that I can’t find the words, because the words are there.  I’m just not sure I can make others understand.

It isn’t as simple for me as for some others.  My BPD doesn’t allow for blind faith.  I can be spiritual because I can agree there is probably something out there.  I can have faith in earth because I walk her lands, taste her foods, and hear her call.  But most of the rest involves closing your eyes and taking a leap of faith into something you can’t see or feel.  You just have to trust.

And yet, for a while now, I’ve been searching.  Basing that search on either logic or something that is easy for me to put my faith in.  Things like Buddhism feel like they might be something I can stand behind.  I suppose it’s the feeling others get when they first hear about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  I suppose Buddhism just makes sense to me, as much as anything faith-based can.

Even then, I’m far from being able to call Buddhism my religion.  I don’t hardly begin to understand it.  I’ve never so much as been to a temple.  But I’ve read enough to know I want to read more, explore more, and attempt to find a part of me that’s missing.

I guess I shouldn’t say missing.  But I have searched none-the-less.  Maybe I’m just aware that those with a strong faith have something I don’t.  A feeling that someone with immense love in their heart and an all guiding hand is looking down on them, and out for them, with a master plan.  I hear that faith can help one through the day.

Lately I’ve heard a call and I’m not sure where exactly it’s coming from. (Though I’m sure some in my life have a few, or one, suggestion.)  Either way I’ve decided to attempt to track it down.  Seek out its source.  After all, I don’t really have anything better to do on Sunday mornings besides sleep.

I’m not saying I’m looking for a church to join.  I’m not saying I’m looking to join the Christian faith.  At the same time, I do fully acknowledge that the higher power I assume is there, could be the same higher power they find their comfort in.  So maybe even if I don’t become a member, one of these Sundays the call I’m hearing will lead me to a church pew where I’ll find the message I’m looking for.

While one should not assume that message will convert me from being more than just spiritual, I’m not one to ignore a message no matter the source.

After all, one does not have to have faith that Jesus is the son of the Almighty God, to recognize that man kind could learn a thing or two from the professed Messiah.  Christian or otherwise.

So during a scattering of Sundays over the coming months, you might well find me visiting one church, than another, trying to figure where the source of the call can be found.  Where the message trying to get my attention is coming from.

What denomination?  A collection.  Don’t burn me at the stake, but technically they are all the same to me, just different rituals and theology, which yes is the source of the differentiation.  But without a strong understanding of the theology and rituals that make them different, that makes them all the same.  To me.  So with that in mind the source of the calling, the source of the message, and I can only assume the source of the coming lesson, could be anywhere.  But some interesting coincidences are telling me it’s Christian/Catholic based.

And hey, even if I can’t track down the voice and the message, maybe I’ll come away with a deeper understanding of those differences.

After all, I’m a firm believer that to say steadfast that you don’t believe something, you should probably understand what exactly it is you don’t believe,  Otherwise, you might surprise yourself.

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Second Chances

Posted October 1, 2012 By kmarrs

Some things are worth another go. Worth not writing off. When history is involved. When the potential loss far outweighs. You go back with reserves. You pay attention. You remain with eyes open refusing to be blind like the BPD white permitted. The full trust may no longer be intact, but the companionship built over 10 plus years is not as easily swayed. And maybe it was just a hot, cranky day in July and a twisted mind’s memory. Or maybe its the truth. But maybe as long as eyes are opened the heart can be open to not caring.

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Choices

Posted September 22, 2012 By kmarrs

Team Kids when Adults fight marital strife BPDBeing on the side of the well spouse is an option.

Being on the side of the sick spouse is another option.

But I defy anyone arguing the decision to say “Fuck that noise” and choosing the side of the children.

Does this pertain to a specific family? Yes. Does it have to? No. This is universal.

I have been that sick parent and while at the time I may have been feeling “everyone is against me,” as a well adult I can see that if they were, it was to be for my children.  As I improved and recovered, their team merged into being my team as well.

The hardest part of being the well adult in such a relationship, is understanding that making decisions that the sick adult might not appreciate up front, really is better for all involved in the long run.  For one of two things will happen: the sick adult may truly seek help and improve and then learn to appreciate what you did, or the sick adult may live out their lives feeling everyone is against them and continue to make poor choices. And while this may be hard to hear, should the second possibility be what goes down, seeing them struggle will be hard but it is best for those who don’t deserve the brunt of their poor decisions. Like, again, children.

When you love someone, watching them make poor choice after poor choice is hard. Making a choice that will inconvenience them can be harder. What needs to be remembered is that it’s the inconveniences in life that push us to fight harder and overcome our obstacles towards self improvement, even in the best of circumstances.

And in parting, it is very easy to promise “never again” from the comfort of consequences already being revoked. Knowing, or thinking you know, that you’ll always have the convenience of someone struggling against a tough decision. The promise of “never again” made with the grantee that things won’t be convenient again until after they’ve proven and lived up to their promise, is a while new promise in of itself.

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I Look In The Mirror And All I See

Posted August 20, 2012 By kmarrs

Is sad lonely eyes, staring right back at me.

Alright.  So A few weeks back I was thrilled to the moon over a new friend I had found in the mother of my kid’s friend.  I guess I didn’t know she assumed I was Christian.  And the irony in this compared to what I had originally said about her is not lost. (The part at the very bottom slays me, now, in hindsight.)

The thing is, I only have guesses.  She hasn’t actually told me to my face that she has a new found problem with my family.  And she certainly hasn’t said what it was.  But the only change that occurred between her being thrilled with my family and now there being a coldness that could freeze fire is her realization that hey, we don’t worship.

There wasn’t a point where I said “Oh, by-the-way.”  I think she just pieced a few things together and jumped to, admittedly correct, conclusions.

When my husband and I dropped T off at their house for a zoo trip, Pat was wearing a Gothic style head cover.  By no means Satanic or otherwise inappropriate, but you know how Gothic style can go.  I guess I should have seen her reaction to our Pink Floyd poster coming.  I’ve never given it a second thought.  And we only ever get compliments.  But then, most of our friends aren’t exactly conservative.  She didn’t say anything, but since my husband who can read people like a coloring book was the one to catch her facial reaction, she didn’t have to.

Borderline Personality Disorder bpd and friendship

In retrospect, I can’t honestly blame her. They are technically naked. With their back to their camera not revealing anything hard core, and it’s tasteful and artistic as hell. But they are naked, and either you’re bothered by it or you’re not.

Later that evening when confirming the sleepover scheduled for the weekend to come, I got word that little man was nervous about spending the night in a strange house.  Not yet realizing that something was majorly wrong, I went into understanding momma mode and told her that was way fine, he’d could come hang out and if spending the night wouldn’t work, that would be fine.  If he wanted to try to spend the night but couldn’t make it, I’d get him home myself no matter the time.

They showed up.  He was left.  He thought it was insane I’d even suggest to call his mom at bedtime, he was having fun and wasn’t even a little hesitant about crashing in a strange house.  I texted her to update her on things being well, I got arctic chill.

We haven’t heard boo from them in the 2 weeks since he was picked up that morning.

Pat and I had a long talk where the reader of people detailed what he’d noticed, I confessed the signs I had seen, and I started processing being so very wrong about my hoped for new friendship.

I started out so very mad.  Which is actually why this post took 2 weeks.  The nerve! I mean right?  Way to judge me on my morals and actions.  Let’s just write me off because I don’t worship your God.  Your God, who has made it clear it’s his job to judge me, and not yours.  I’m pretty sure should the pearly gates be real, I’ll receive enough judgment there, I don’t need it at the door to my own damn house.  And seriously?  I may not worship like you do, but I am spiritual, moral, and good.  I’m not perfect.  But I’m good.

Oh that rant would have continued on for paragraphs into pages.  Twitter even got some of it.

But now I’m resigned to acceptance.  If I am written off so easily because of my religion, or lack-there-of, then I’m not the one losing anything here.

Then less than a week later I found my people.

And I’ll tell that story later.  But hint?  It involves me climbing that wall, though it doesn’t start there.

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