Pregnancy and BPD Archive

Linkage Where Linkage is Due

Posted June 25, 2011 By kmarrs

PregBellyBoth articles stolen from the wonderful Jennifer. Both links direct link to her blog.

Presented with little comment, unless you ask for it:

Study Finds ‘Inconsistent’ Care for Pregnant Women With Depression
I guess I’m really lucky here. While my OBGYN and reg doc don’t really feel comfortable (qualified) touching on my mental health, they both know I have a strong mental health team already in place, so really their input isn’t needed. If I didn’t have that mental health team, I’m not sure what they would or wouldn’t do to aid. It shoudl also be noted that a pregnant patient with basic depression is a whole different ballgame than a pregnant patient with BPD. So there is that.


Some small risks to antidepressants in pregnancy
I think we all know how I feel about meds during pregnancy but just in case… it’s risk verses benefit. If this medical leave doesn’t lead me to being better equiped to handle my mental load, I’ll start as safe of a anti-depressant as there is. If it does do the trick, I can wait 10 more weeks until I can take it without putting Sammy at risk. To me, that’s just logical. And if I read it right, it’s pretty much what the article is saying. There are risks, they aren’t guaranteed, and sometimes the mother’s immediate health really is more important than the babies possible health.

Anyway, I found these well timed and interesting. Enjoy.

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Mental and Physical Health All Tied Up Into One

Posted June 24, 2011 By kmarrs

angry-woman-on-boardWait, I need to go figure out where this drama llama saga left off.


I started the steroid Tuesday morning bright and early right after my OBGYN gave the thumbs up. FYI, steroid taste NASTY. Which is probably common knowledge, but since most of my steroid doses in the past have been via injection to the ass, the taste bud aspect of it was avoided completely. And root beer, does the opposite of helping the taste. Just trust me on this. Mt Dew (2 a day early morning to help with chronic headaches that nothing else helps) on the other hand is a bit smoother. The first bite of cereal (the milk actually) removes all after taste. So if you have to take a steroid, immediately chase it with cereal. Really.

So train of thought derailed there. Where was I?

Steroid started Tuesday. 10 days worth. 6 the first two days each, 4 the next two, etc. It would take 2-3 days to kick in but then I’d be good. Only, it didn’t kick in. It’s been 4 days and it’s not even trying. To add to the fun, every joint in my body is suddenly inflamed and well fuckin‘ ow. Which I’d deal with if the sciatica was gone or going, because the sciatica is by far worse, but all of it together… There is literally nothing left on me that doesn’t hurt.

Today is Friday. I was suppose to be at work at 10AM this morning. That realization yesterday complied with the degree of pain and no end in sight, led to the final push towards my mental break down. I was terrified that on my feet three really long days in a row would take a bad situation and make it worse. I’ve already been paralyzed in my right leg on and off for the past 2 weeks, how much more could I take? BTW, spending hours crying DOES NOT help with massive headaches. No amount of Mt Dew will change that.

So this morning I was back at my regular doc. We agreed that the steroid needed to stop immediately. He has me out of work until the 4th. And then I brought up the mental health.

I understand that the sciatica (etc) is not life threatening to me or the baby, so while working isn’t really an option, neither is short term disability. My mental health, however, is a different story.

Let’s be honest. I’ve been struggling with my mental health since I went off my meds. All that time I was miserable but it was doable. x number of weeks and I can have my meds back. Just get through this day. I also was smart enough, and know me well enough at this point, to know that while my BPD wasn’t helping, if I was in a better work situation and wasn’t dealing with so much pain (months ago it was the constant cramping and the occasional bleeding) I would be closer to fine. So I pushed through. Zoloft wasn’t going to fix a physical condition.

Things took their turn for the worse these past few weeks with the breaking point yesterday. In the height of my pain and the fear of what working would do, but knowing money was GONE and I had no choice but to return to work… I was at the point where I was ready to kill myself if it meant I didn’t have to make that decision. Now let me stress here and now that me being pregnant means my life has a greater purpose for the next 10 weeks, so ending things is NOT an option. My life is supporting another life. So no matter how much I want to (oh sweet blessed release) I won’t. And once I’m no longer pregnant and I’m free, well I’ll also be out of the constant hell of being in pain and have the added bonus of my meds. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to get there.

When I called off this morning, it was met with understanding (I want to stress that work has actually been VERY supportive every single second of this current saga) but was told point blank I needed to get on medical leave. Mostly so that they could have it in the system, I wouldn’t be added on the schedule, I wouldn’t be calling off, and they would be able to accommodate in advance without being short a person. Logic. I have no complaint. None.

So it was no matter a point of if I went on leave, but could I find a way to have it be paid. I’ve been paying into short term disability for a year now, I need it.

My reg doc couldn’t do it, it was out of his jurisdiction (mental and gynecological). So that left my OBGYN or my Psychologist. I knew with the physical issues not being a threat to the baby, my OBGYN couldn’t do it, but well, like I’ve established, my mental health is well at that point, and mental health is grounds for short term disability.

My next appointment with my meds doctor is Wednesday. I did call to see if by some miracle there had been a cancellation and I could get in earlier, no such luck. I did however, knowing I couldn’t go til Wednesday stressing and not knowing, decide to go ahead and call her.

I filled her in on everything. Well, the condensed version, she’ll get the full story on Wednesday, but she does agree without hesitation that work REALLY isn’t an option and that I do mental health wise qualify for that disability check. So she is filling out the paperwork on Wednesday.

And so this is what it feels like to have a 1000 pound weight suddenly removed from your shoulders.

I have a couple of weeks before that first check kicks in. And it will in no way be a full check. But it will help us survive. We’ll have to be smart, but there will be something.

And I can spend however long this takes focusing on my health (physical, mental, emotional) and getting better instead of scared shitless that my health is going to land my family on the streets.

Meanwhile, as for the sciatica, there is nothing else we can do. No more follow-ups. Nothing. The only option was the steroid and it didn’t work so that leaves nothing. I can’t take pain meds without harming the baby, physical therapy just makes it worse. There is no magic pill other than the steroid. So that’s it. It will sort itself out. Sometime in the next few weeks, or after the baby is born, I’ll be ok.

All the other pains (cramps, back, head, etc) will work themselves out when the baby is born as well. Those are all within the realms of pregnancy. Pregnancy is no picnic and apparently the third will do you in. But they are a part of the pregnancy package.

As for the hospital, because that I’m sure is a question at least one of you has. I did bring it up with my meds doc on the phone today. At this point, there really is no point. They can’t put me on meds, I’m already in therapy, and I have a shrink. That’s what the hospital does for you. (Well, besides take away sharp objects.) I’m in crisis mode but not willing to follow through. So it’s would be a bed, in a ward, away from my family who is currently my strength, and would make seeing my OBGYN every 2 weeks a bit harder. Not to mention my in hospital mental health team wouldn’t be my already in place mental health team who knows me and my history and what I really need to survive. I’ll increase the frequency of seeing my meds doctor if we decide it’s needed, I’ll make sure I’m in therapy as often as needed. And other than that, that’s all we can do. So there isn’t currently a point to a hospital stay. It would do more harm than good. And yes, I know a lot of mentally ill people refuse hospitals when they really need to be there. I’m usually the one saying suck it up and go. They can help. But I’m really already getting that help. And that silly piece of paper my doctor is filling out Wednesday is what I need the most, and knowing it’s in my future is in itself more help than the hospital could be.

Should things change, and believe me as always I have a dozen pairs of eyes intently focused on me, I’ll be there in a heart beat. And if it’s anything like last time, it’ll be my idea.

In the meantime, of all the pills I’m looking forward to popping in 10 weeks, I think I’m actually looking forward to an Ibuprofen (or stronger) the most. Because really, if I wasn’t in so much constant pain for so very long, my mental health would be in a much better place.

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This Kid Is A Literal Pain In My Ass

Posted June 21, 2011 By kmarrs

angry-woman-on-board(Hip, back, thigh, calf, ankle and foot)

Wanted to be asleep an hour ago. Even tried for awhile. But I’m at the point where it’s impossible to get comfortable even lying down. My most comfy side was my right side but well, that’s not an option thanks to my hip. Meanwhile, the baby has taken up residence on the left so if I’m on that side she protests. Back and stomach are, of course, way beyond an option. So that leaves me with sitting?

So if I’m sitting, I might as well write the blog post I was planning to write.

So, y’all read this: Sciatic Nerve Drama?

Well, since then I’ve been to my chiro three more times, my general practice doctor twice, and my OBGYN once. (And a partridge in a pear tree.)

While everyone agrees work isn’t currently an option for me, this apparently doesn’t make me eligible for short term disability. So ok.

My general practice doctor told me last Tuesday that for the time being, he wanted me out of work through the 20th of this month and that the Tylenol, stretching, ice, ect was the best (safest) course of action. (The OBGYN nodded in agreement the next day.)

I am amused that while the OBGYN fully supported the chiro, the reg doc said it wouldn’t hurt anything, but was less than supportive. Never mind that the chiro affects the central nervous system and the sciatic nerve is part of that system. It’s a bit more than JUST bone cracking. But whatever, there is room for all 3 medical degrees in my treatment plan, so long as the gas to and from is willing.

Anyway, the reg doc said after 2 weeks if things weren’t looking better, we’d talk the next (and final) step, which is steroids. Now, the thing with steroids and pregnancy is that while it isn’t outright dangerous for the baby in the sense of death or deformity, it still isn’t ideal. It can lead to a rise in blood sugar levels for me and Sammy. Which could lead to a bigger baby and therefor an increased risk of c-section among other things. So while it isn’t to be avoided at all costs, it isn’t something you do right away unless you have to.

When the morning of the 20th arrived, and I knew I was expected back at work on the 21st, but knew I still couldn’t be on my feet for 8 hours without help, I scheduled an appointment to be back at the doc within a few hours.

It was a bit before the 2 weeks before steroids time period, but I knew if I was going to survive the next day, I was going to need help.

Also note, pain meds aren’t an option in any of this. The Tylenol is what I can take, but it does nothing. Not even a little. The doc said outright that would most likely be the case. I can’t take Aspirin or Ibuprofen because that could kill the baby. I could technically take narcotics without killing the baby, but there is the risk of the baby becoming addicted. So that leaves me with Tylenol. (My requests for an epidural, while duly noted, have been mostly ignored.)

He asked a few questions (Was the current size of the baby running normal? Had I had my glucose screening yet? Results?) and was satisfied with the answers enough to write the script. BUT he did instruct me that before I was to pop a single pill he wanted me on the phone with my OBGYN to run it by her in case there was a specific baby related reason not to take it that we were missing. Safety first.

Then came the bad news. 2-3 days before it would actually work. This was Monday. I was scheduled Tuesday but off Wed and Thurs before working all weekend. He strongly urged I take Tuesday off so that I’d have a fighting chance for the weekend.

Which means I’ll effectively be off 12 days in a row. Which would be AWESOME except for the whole pain and misery and being broke because NONE of this is paid time off.

But yeah, I called work, filled them in. They understand and agree we will try for Friday but if Friday still isn’t an option, just call and they’ll understand.

So the game plan is Friday. Maybe Saturday (at the latest) but hopefully Friday.

Alright, time to go back to bed and perfect sleeping while sitting up.

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Sciatic Nerve Drama

Posted June 14, 2011 By kmarrs

angry-woman-on-boardThis probably goes on my pregnancy blog, but really, I don’t feel like chronically how my daughter is trying to kill me, on the blog that celebrates her life.

Ok, it’s no secret that this pregnancy isn’t going so very smooth. Two counts of bleeding, once at 18 weeks and then again at 27, lots of cramping through pretty much all of it, and massive (dangerous) overheating at work because I can’t control my body temperature and the building is unairconditioned. (Though apparently they “fixed” it, but I can’t tell the difference and neither can anyone else that I’ve talked to.)

All this within the first 2 trimesters. (Note: as of today I’m 28 weeks and officially in my 3rd trimester. According to I might start feeling miserable at some point in the coming weeks. Though I stopped reading babycenter when during my 2nd trimester they said I should be feeling great and well, see above paragraph. So babycenter can pretty much bite me.)

Now, there has been an occasional odd burning sensation coming and going on my lower right side the past few weeks. Here and there. It’s located anywhere from my butt/hip, on down to my foot. I didn’t really put much thought into it though because it never lasted more than a few minutes here and there and didn’t really affect my ability to function.

Saturday, by the end of the work day, that pain became constant in my right hip/butt region. I was limping pretty bad, but had hope that it was just a tired muscle and sleep would relax it.

At 5:30 Sunday morning when I woke at my usual time to pee, I couldn’t walk. I did eventually make it up the stairs and to the bathroom, but I’m not honestly sure how. When I was back up at 9, the walking situation was only slightly better, but exactly how much pain I was in began to register.

I was suppose to be at work at 11am Sunday morning, but instead I was in the ER. Within minutes of walking into the room, the doctor knew exactly what was wrong. My sciatic nerve was very angry with me.

She instructed ice for 20 minutes of every hour, showed me a way to stretch it, and ordered me off my feet for at least a couple of days. I was also instructed to follow up with my doctor in 2-3 days. This wasn’t an if I was still in pain, this was a given. I figured if I could make it to work Tuesday, my next scheduled day, I would visit my doc Wednesday (I already had a OBGYN appointment so I figured since it was pregnancy related, that would work unless she told me to go to my reg doctor as well) but if I couldn’t make it to work Tuesday, I would go to my regular doc asap.

Common sense also kicked in and I decided it was time to start going back to my chiropractor. I have a deal going with him and my mom (who is a regular patient of his) that I can go 2-3 times a week for 50$ a month and mom covers it. I don’t go often enough that mom ends up shelling out a ton of money, it’s mostly just in my back pocket for emergencies. I don’t have patience for even therapy weekly, much less someone touching me twice a week. Unless I’m at a point where I have no choice. I’m there at that point.

So anyway, I went in today when my mom could meet me there and had a months worth of adjustments paid for on the spot, so in I go every Monday and Wednesday for at least the next month. Paired with the ice and stretching, I’ll hopefully eventually sort this shit out.

After the adjustment, I realized I was no where near a point where I could work Tuesday, so I went ahead and scheduled my doctor’s appointment for the next day and called work because there was no point in waiting till morning. (If by some miracle I wake up healed, I’ll cancel the appointment and go to work.)

So that was my battle plan.

Here is the thing though. I then did a little bit of the google. And while I KNOW you NEVER type symptoms into a search, because it’ll predict your painful death that is doomed to happen within days, I figured plugging the diagnosis in would at least educate me. That’s what I did with BPD, after all.

Here is what I learned.

The sciatic nerve is the largest nerve in your body and essentially provides sensory and motor function to your legs. It runs from your lower back all the way down to the foot. So that explains the random !@#$%^& in, well, everywhere below my back on my right side. As well as why I couldn’t even walk at times. Oh yes, and this nerve? It runs under my uterus so this is pressure as the baby develops. It is also known to be one of the more painful complications of pregnancy. As in, at this point I’d welcome a natural medication free child-birth over what I’m currently going though. The best treatment is the ice, the stretch, laying on the opposite side, no lifting, and staying off your feet. Which is what I’ve been doing. All of it. Adding in the chiropractor because I can.

So those are the facts that are, well, factual.

Here is where I read with a grain of salt.

Nothing I read implies this is going away anytime soon. The 5 days in a row off my feet this week might bring relief, but there is every indication that the 3, 8-9 hour work days in a row that follow, is only going to bring it right back.

Now maybe I’m hopefully wrong about that. I don’t know. It is the Internet, after all and according to the Internet my shoulder should still be bother me and frozen in place. Luckily between the two different doctor appointments I have in the next two days, I have every opportunity to have two nice long discussions to find out what exactly I’m up against.

BUT this might mean I have to stop working. I won’t be on actual bed rest, but I can’t exactly do any of my job off my feet. Considering I have short-term disability, I’m not entirely sure I’m all that upset with the idea. I mean, bottom line, I’m miserable. This pregnancy is anything but smooth and work isn’t helping. So having a reason to go on leave, might bring the relief I need. What I don’t know is exactly how many weeks of leave I have and I don’t know if either doctor will consider this a reason for me to go on it. It kinda depends on if they think this is something that will go away with a few days of rest or not. I honestly don’t know. If it will go away, I’ll man up and work through to the end. If I’m going to be dealing with this for the next 12 weeks, however, being on my feet 8-9 hours a day, 4 days a week, is no longer an option. So I guess we’ll see.

Bottom line: for over 48 hours now I’ve been in constant pain. At it’s worse I can’t walk, at it’s best it’s a solid 8-9 on the pain scale. And while things can dull it down to that 8 for a while, it’s never gone and nothing works for good. Oh and pain meds? Tylenol. The ER doctor (who has had 2 babies and totally completely gets this) said that yes she could give me something stronger but said she herself wouldn’t take it. It’s the risk verses benefit. I’m to the point where I wouldn’t turn down a couple of doses to get me through a couple of work days, but if I’m not working, or it’s more than a couple of doses, it’s not worth the risk.

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This ‘N’ That

Posted April 25, 2011 By kmarrs

Yeah, so the past week was just a big pile of suck. Lots of hours including 3, 9+ hour shift in a row. And well, I don’t really want to talk about it. I’ve bitched. I’ve moaned. I want to put it behind me.

But I haven’t posted in like 9 days, so I figured I’d post something. So I’m going with the above disclaimer, an announcement, and something trivial.

In case you don’t read the pregnancy blog (don’t blame you, it’s not what you’re here for), follow me on twitter, or have me as a friend on facebook, I figure I should announce this here as well. I know I was going to try to keep the non-mental health related pregnancy crap off this blog, but well, humor me.

Somehow we beat the incredible odds and it seems this third and final addition to the family is indeed a girl. I’ve known since Wednesday, I’ve seen the ultrasound, I’ll believe it in 19ish weeks when the baby is born and sure enough there are no dangly bits. My husband, though, is over the moon. So yea!

Also not mental health related is this:

So I’ve read all the Harry Potter books and I’ve seen all the movie released thus far, and I have to wonder about something in the deadly hollows… In the beginning of the book/movie part 1 when they are rescuing Harry from the house by disguise themselves as him blah blah blah and one of the Weasly twins (hell, even their mother can’t tell them apart) loses an ear to a curse… Ok, here is the thing, if muggle plastic surgery can fix (well replace) that, why can’t magic? And if magic can’t for whatever reason, why not a muggle plastic surgeon? I mean, it’s an ear. That part of the ear, anyways, is mostly cosmetic. Hell, when I was little in the 80’s a knew a boy who was born missing an ear and the doctors took some skin from here and some from there and made him one. I’m not saying it was perfect, but it was an ear. Granted, in the book they do have bigger things to worry about, but with modern magic/medicine, should a missing ear really be on that list?

OR did they actually fix it in the book and I just missed it?

There is also the possibility that it got fixed after things had settled down, but if I remember correctly, they made it sound like it was an unfixable thing.

When does Harry Potter take place anyways? I know it’s modern enough that the Dudley got a computer for his birthday in book one, so it should be modern enough that the term “modern medicine” should apply.

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Can I Go Back To Bed Now?

Posted March 30, 2011 By kmarrs

I’m just having one of those days where I’d have been better off staying in bed. Never mind that I was in bed til almost noon. You’d think that would save me some trouble. But, apparently not.

First order of business, I discovered the cat chewed my headphone cord. I assume it was the cat. I don’t think my husband got hungry in the middle of the night. And I’m pretty sure the kids know better. She didn’t just lightly mangle them. She destroyed them beyond repair. Because that is what she does. Tiny Cat is more evil than the red headed 3yo. And that’s saying something. No offense to the red headed 3yo who I’m sure will grow up to be sweet. Probably. Maybe.

This is the same cat who runs head first into the glass back door. Repeatedly. Because she sees her reflection. I mean doing it once and learning from it would be understandable. Maybe even forgetting it a month later and doing it again. Fine. But multiple times in the same night every night? I can only assume that the first few times gave her sufficient brain damage and well, it’s only getting worse.

So apparently the request, “Can you turn on the dryer while you are down there?” wasn’t specific enough. What I needed to have said is, “Can you leave the wet clothes in the washer and the lump of wrinkled clothes that have been sitting there for 2 days now in the dryer and turn on the dryer so they can dewrinkle for me so I can go down in an hour and fold them and then switch out the loads.” See, I was about to go down into the basement to do it myself when dad mentioned he was about to go down there. So I’m like, score! Fat pregnant chick can avoid a trip up and down the stairs! Turning on the dryer is no big task so while it’s a huge favor for me, it’s a simple one that won’t take much effort on his part since he’ll be right there anyways. 5 minutes later he comes up and tells me the clothes that were in the dryer are now on my bed and the clothes in the washer are in the dryer. Sure, enough there was a lump of wrinkled clothes on the foot of my bed. So I took the wet clothes out of the dryer and put them back in the washer and put the wrinkled clothes back into the dryer and turned it on. While he looked on confused. I explained that the whole point of turning on the dryer was so I could dewrinkle those clothes before I folded them. He’s still confused. BTW, simply doing it myself the first time would have taken A LOT less work. Lesson learned.

Yes, I sometimes have clothes that sit in the dryer for a couple of days before I can get to them. It happens.

Oh, and on the subject of dad. Apparently he isn’t moving out. There was a long talk and things are going to change and yada yada yada. Which is fine. Until his next temper tantrum next month. But whatever. It isn’t that I want him kicked out, per-say. I’m just getting sick of the constant drama over bullshit. Because that’s what most of this is: bullshit.

It’s currently snowing. Or at least it was last I checked. And I realize, this isn’t the end of the world. Won’t cost me time, money, or energy. But it’s been snowing for 6 months now since it got started early last fall. And it’s suppose to be spring. And well, I’m sick of snow. Though I am grateful it’s not ice. Or hail. That was freaky.

One day last week, when Thomas was home sick from school, he and I were cuddled up in bed. We spent much of last week like that, actually. Out of the blue, Pat sent Luke down because a storm was coming and the tornado sirens were going off. I set the boys up watching cartoons and came up to investigate. Pat checked the weather report and saw the storm was still a half hour out, so we let Luke come back upstairs. About 5 minutes later, a brand new storm formed literally on top of us and the heavens broke lose with hail the size of golf balls. Luke, who was on the sofa, looking out the back door, stood there frozen in sheer terror. I grabbed him up and raced him back down stairs. The entire trip down he clung on and thanked me profusely for “saving him from the scary outside.” BTW, the initial storm that caused the sirens missed us by quite a bit.

So Sunday was fun. I had to work 10:45 to 6:15. But when I got there at about 10:30 and went to the bathroom, I discovered I was bleeding. And more than just spotting. Paired with the cramping I’ve been having for the past few weeks, I wasn’t taking any chances. I went up to the front of the store, told them what was going on, and then left straight for the hospital. 4 hours later I was pronounced fine. The bleeding was indeed coming from my uterus but there are no clots, and everything seems to be in order so they are pretty sure it’s just my placenta implanting on the uterine wall. Which can cause bleeding. But they were glad I came in because there are lots of things it could have been, most not so routine. Plus, because my blood type is A negative, I had to get a shot of Rhogam just in-case my blood mixed with the baby’s blood. (I get this shot with each pregnancy about 2 months before delivery.) I’ll tell you, of all the shots I’ve gotten to the ass in my life (my ass being the preferred place because well, there is a lot of muscle and fat so I generally don’t feel a thing) Rhogam is the worse. That shit burns! I didn’t feel the initial poke but once it started spreading my right ass cheek and hip were on fire for HOURS. Which is totally normal. And something I get to look forward to repeating in a few months because we aren’t close enough to time of delivery for this shot to cover that. Joy.

It is really snowing out there.

Since I’ve already brought up the pregnancy on my non-pregnancy blog, I might as well add in this little tidbit.

Remember when I was saying sleeping pill dreams (don’t remember which one specifically) were messed up? Well, they have nothing on pregnancy dreams. I’d forgotten how completely deranged these dreams can be.

Thomas (as a 7yo) committed murder in my dreams Friday night in a really bizarre way that I don’t remember. I do remember that he hid the body in a tree. How he got it up in a tree (it was an adult) is beyond me. And yet, if it had been Luke in my dream who did it, I would have found none of it odd.

Ok, this post started out being about my day so far (the whole 3 hours I’ve been awake) but apparently it morphed into something else. Go figure.

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