Pregnancy and BPD Archive

34 Weeks and Decisions

Posted July 27, 2011 By kmarrs

Pregnancy and Borderline Personality DisorderSo close and yet, so far away.

So, at my 32 weeks appointment, after 16 weeks of gaining and losing the same 4 pounds, I discovered I had gained 7 pounds in the previous 2 weeks. Which would have been insanely not good (too much too fast whoa there!) except I needed to gain the weight. So, my OBGYN was thrilled, as long as I didn’t continue to gain 7 pounds every 2 weeks.

I was kinda curious where I’d stand this week.

Apparently I lost 3 pounds. *sigh* But she wasn’t worried. The baby, as always, is the exact size she needs to be. I’m also still a bit over what I was during the endless back and forward between 248 and 252, to it’s still progress. And at least I didn’t gain another 7?

She is also, blessedly, confirmed head down (with ass up in my right ribcage). Though so far there are no signs of noticable braxton hicks, so I’m losing faith she will EVER come out. My body isn’t even practicing.

We discussed birth control. Keeping in mind I refuse to take anything with hormones (because of my mental health being a delicate enough of a balance), and the IUD I had inserted after Luke made life miserable… I’m running out of options. Since I’m DONE having kids, I decided to go permanent. I figured I’d go ahead and get my tubes tied. Which I’m ok with. I brought it up with my doc so that if I had to have a c-section with this baby (not that there is so far any indication I will) they could take care of it while in there. But, apparently, the hospital I’m delivering at won’t allow that. Which, really makes no sense. But ok. She then gave me a brochure for something called “Essure“. Which is just as permanent and even more effective, but doesn’t involve cutting me open. Sounds great! Then I did a little research (that wasn’t sponsored by Essure). Yeah, not so much. I think I’ll stick with the original plan of the surgery. Though, if any of you have any personal stories relating to this, do feel free to speak up.

So on a different note, now is the time I might as well bring up a decision I’ve made. But first, some back story:

When I was pregnant with Thomas, I knew up front I was going to breast feed. I didn’t even bother buying bottles and formula. Breast feeding is healthier and cheaper and I was going to do it. About a week after he was born and my milk STILL hadn’t come in (I could produce a drop every few hours), I gave up. We bought what we needed to buy and were done with it. He was bottle fed from that point on.

When I was pregnant with Luke, I didn’t have high hopes of milk production but I was going to sorta give it a try. Basically, I was going to breast feed for 2 weeks, a couple of times a day, and then stop so I could go back on my meds. He had no interest in the breast itself (bottles produced much faster results with a lot less work) so I pumped twice a day for at least and hour each time. Between both boobs, I could produce 4 oz. So there was something, but not much. When those 2 weeks were up I was done, didn’t look back, and took my meds.

This time, I’m not even going to try. It’s a mental health decision, really. First and foremost, I want to start taking Geodon (or something) before I even leave the hospital. That first night in the hospital. From day one there will be drugs in my body that will make it so I can’t breast feed. This, I truly feel, is a matter of life or death for me. And it’s backed-up by the fact, I don’t exactly produce enough milk for it to be worth the risk of not getting on meds right away. Finally, having breasts as obscenely large as mine but not producing milk, is a real hit to the self esteem. My already delicate mental health, doesn’t need that blow for a third time.

And who knows, maybe this time around I would have been able to feed a village with minimal effort, but I don’t think so. I follow A LOT of blogs and it seems half of these women are pregnant. Just behind, just ahead, way ahead. But all of them have been soaking through shirts with pregnancy leakage from about 30(ish) weeks on and well, I have a drop here and there…

So I’m pretty much saying, “Fuck it, someone pass me my meds.”

In other news, I’m having the, “Holy shit! I’m going to have a baby in about a month!” realization hit. And while part of me is all, “Hells ya! I’m so done with being pregnant!” the rest of me is all, “Crap! Socks! I haven’t bought any socks for the kid!” And it isn’t that I’m going to need socks right away. And it isn’t even really socks specifically that have me going “Crap!”. The socks are mostly just a metaphor for the few things here and there that we don’t have.

Being honest, if I went into labor tonight, we’d be fine and ready and all that. Yes there are a few things I’d like to pick up, but we have enough/all of the basics that lead to surviving the immediate weeks of having a baby. So we could buy the random things after the baby was born. But I’d still like to try and have them bought beforehand. Really, there is only one thing on that list (besides the obvious things like diapers) that we really need ASAP, but it’s all of 6$. So should I pop tomorrow, someone can pick it up real fast from the store, when they run in to buy diapers and a can of formula to hold us until WIC kicks in.

(I will be buying said can of formula on the first of the month. And hopefully at least some diapers soon after. One step closer to ready.)

And since some of you are stubborn, the following is a direct copy from facebook, but I figured I’d post it here as well:

Some of you have been asking what we still need for this baby. If you aren’t one of those people, dude this is our 3rd, you/we are fine. But a couple of you are ignoring that. If you insist on being one of those people, let me know and I’ll let you know what would actually help. Otherwise, carry on.

Basically, we aren’t looking for gifts. This is our third, so requesting gifts is silly/rude but also unneeded. (Please note, I HATED needing to have a baby shower with Luke even though we legit had nothing due to losing almost everything from when Thomas was a baby. So the idea of asking for/accepting gifts for this baby when we are mostly set is mind boggling.) But I’m well aware that a few people, want to do something regardless. So if you are one of those people, let me know and I’ll steer you in the right direction. If you aren’t one of those people, well thank you for your logic. lol But yes, there is a registry. But don’t just randomly go to it, because there are instructions that go with it that I don’t have the option of stating on said registry.

In closing, a few more pregnancy related notes/copies from facebook:

Vacuuming the top of a really dusty dresser: Insane, Genius, or Insanely Genius?

So, do all extremely preg women nesting in this heat wave have that permanent alluring scent combo of bleach and BO, or is it just me?

According to baby center, I should have been “sashaying” around and only now start to waddle. Has anyone there ever even seen a preg woman?

And finally, in parting:

Gawd! My stomach is SO uncomfortable! It’s almost like there is a whole other person in there or something.

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Nesting and Social Media

Posted July 27, 2011 By kmarrs

pregnancy and BPDI have officially started nesting. Nothing totally insane like vacuuming the ceiling. But I’m cleaning things. And since I never clean, I assume I’m nesting. That or just really bored.

I really gave myself a work-out last Sunday. We have to move the crib and dresser down into the basement with me. Which means we have to move 2 bookcases and possibly something else into the other part of the basement where we store crap. (Lots of crap. Some of those boxes have been packed up for 10 years now.) So I did a lot of rearranging. I didn’t lift anything heavy or stupid like that, but it was still a lot of work. And while I was fine while doing it, once I stopped my body informed me that was stupid. Ok then, noted.

The bookcases themselves haven’t yet been moved. I still have to box up the books on them, and I’m waiting on boxes to arrive from the box faerie. But that will be done in a couple of days and we’ll be good to go. The spot for them is clear. Or will be once the trash pile is moved to the dumpster. Anyone want a couple broken tv’s and a mostly broken monitor? Yeah? No? Ok.

Then the real nesting will begin. Getting the crib set up, clothes into drawers, etc.

Meanwhile, for awhile there the bathroom was so clean you could eat in there. It’s since been used by all 3 of my boys so I would no longer eat there, but it’s still not bad.

In a humorous turn, I think I’ve been nesting online. I’ve spent the past week cleaning up all my social media accounts and such. I deleted my myspace, livejournal, dead journal, deviant art, flickr, and other random accounts. I will rebuild flickr but I was annoyed with it, and didn’t have much on it so I figured it wasn’t a waste to just start fresh.

I cleaned out old bookmarks on delicious. Basically, if the link was broken or no longer held interest, it was removed.

I’ve been unfollowing twitter people like crazy. I swear I’ve dropped a good hundred. For a long time I felt obligated to follow back everyone who followed me unless they were blatant spam, and then I’d have to weed through shit on my stream to get to what I was interested in. Mind you, I hate lists and hootsuit and such. I go to and read my stream there. I’ve tried other things, that’s how I like it. I’ve been using different tools to help give ideas of who I do and do not want to follow. As shallow as it may sound, I’ve been examining people with a low klout score. (Klout is an online tool that measures your influence online. Not as much popularity, but how influential you are among those who do follow you. Chances are, if someone is active and interesting, even if not followed by millions, they will have a high klout score.) A low score is by no means an automatic unfollow, but it does give my a clue to click a button and read what they tweet. Half the time, sure enough, it’s pure junk and I unfollow. Sometimes they just aren’t very active but when they are, it’s pure gold. Then there are people, like my husband, who have a klout score of 1 (because he almost never tweets), but I’m going to follow him regardless. I have a few irl friends/family who fall into that category. Either way, I find myself doing a lot less eye rolling at my twitter stream these days.

I also cleaned out blogs today. I removed from my list those that I don’t read or who haven’t updated in a year, etc. I’ve been noticing lately that there are a few blogs I was “following” who update daily and I never read them because I don’t care. Gone.

I also have 2 of my own personal blogs I’m going to be deleting soon. I just have to figure out how. Though I’m sure it’s easy, I just haven’t actually put effort into it.

I’ve also been messing around on this blog some. While I haven’t been posting as much, I’ve been making changes here and there in the sidebars, mostly. Nothing major. You may not even notice. But I’m happy with the results.

I’m sure there are other things I’ve done and lord knows I have a bajillion more topics I need to write about, but I’m going to end this now. It’s almost 2AM so I need to get to bed. If I can sleep, that is.

Edit: As soon as a pushed “published” I took a look at settings and figured out real fast how to delete the two blogs I wanted to delete. So gone.

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Could Have Been Worse

Posted July 18, 2011 By kmarrs

Pregnancy and Borderline Personality DisorderI was going through my google analytics (stats for this site basically) and saw that one of the recent search terms that brought someone to my site was “my kid is a pain ” and I was like “OH NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Which kid did I immortalize on the net as being a pain?” (The fact that I didn’t know which and didn’t jump to the “I would never call them that,” immediate thoughts doesn’t look good, I realize.)

So I did a Google search with that phrase myself. The third result listed is the post about Sammy being a literal pain in my ass. So, it was the unborn child with the rep, great. But then I read it and it’s talking about sciatica which is indeed a pain in my ass caused by pregnancy and therefore the child, so yeah… It fits.

And I think I can live with that. Because well, anyone who actually read it will know I don’t really think she is a pain in the ass and don’t blame her for the sciatica. Yeah, it’s caused by her but it isn’t like she is sitting on the nerve going “Ok, how can I hurt mommy today?”

So I’m going with at least it wasn’t Luke, because then I really would be calling me kid a pain and having it show up in Google searches.

Oh, and I don’t really think she is aiming for my kidney, either. Though I do think the bladder is a purposeful target. She kicks that, I pee, she gets more room. So I don’t blame her for it.

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Dear John

Posted July 16, 2011 By kmarrs

BPD AND Pregnancy Borderline Personality DisorderDear Bladder,
We are under attack!
Right Kidney

Dear Right Kidney,
Really? What was your first clue?

Dear Right Kidney and Bladder
If you guys would shut up and help, we are trying to build defenses over here.

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So… Um…

Posted June 29, 2011 By kmarrs

PregBellyHaven’t really brought this up because I was too distracted by things that hurt, but…

30 week OBGYN appointment today. I weighed in at 249. Which is a pound or 2 less than the same exact scale weighed me in at… my 20 weeks appointment. Yeah. Which has me at almost the exact weight of my 16 week appointment.

The thing is I keep gaining and losing the same 4 pounds. I’m stuck between 248 and 252. And have been for 14 weeks.

Am I eating?


Am I eating enough for two?

I’m not sure…

I haven’t had the biggest appetite. It also doesn’t help… well… there is this level of indigestion I have never lived through before. And I say this as someone with acid reflux. It’s literally like lumps of food are getting stuck in my esophagus. And I spend the next 12 hours burping them up with such force I almost throw up. If I eat when I’m literally starving, I’m fine. Otherwise HOURS of misery and there is no eating AT ALL in those hours. The whole eating small meals every few hours thing, isn’t solving this.

So I’m eating when I’m hungry and trying to eat well when I’m hungry. But if I’m not hungry, even if I SHOULD be hungry, I can’t eat.

I should NOT be going 12+ hours between meals. I really shouldn’t. (Not a daily thing, but it has happened.)

But yes, I am eating.

I discussed all this with the OBGYN I saw today. He told me as long as I wasn’t dieting or vomiting, and was in fact eating, he wasn’t too worried about it right now. It should also be noted the baby is measuring EXACTLY where she should be which means she is getting everything she needs and if one of us is suffering, it’s me not her. My lab work-ups are coming back good so if I am suffering, it’s not showing.

But I still worry.

I can’t help but realize that while at 20 weeks I was pleased I could still fit in my non-maternity clothes (with the exception of pants but I live in skirts anyways), at 30 weeks, that’s not really a good thing,

At the same time, my belly is very obviously 30 weeks pregnant. The clothes from last summer, while they fit, are hitting me differently. So it’s not like there is no change. I just feel like they shouldn’t be an option at all, at this point.

I’m to the point where I should be expecting to gain 1-2 pounds a week (maybe not quite that much since I started out over weight) and I’m not even close to seeing that happening. *sigh*

So I worry.

As for this meaning I can get to pre-pregnancy weight faster after birth, it should be noted that I plan to start the Geodon before I even leave the hospital, so that probably won’t happen. What this does mean, is that unless I start gaining weight like crazy in the next 7-10 weeks, I’ll most likely be able to fit into most of my pre-pregnancy wardrobe, which is awesome since I won’t be able to afford to replace it. At least not all of it right away.

And honestly, yes I am a big girl (pregnancy aside) but by that point I will have birthed 3 babies and spent YEARS on meds that make weight gain a given. If I can just maintain, I’m happy. I’d rather have the meds than the thin.

Anyone who says otherwise can spend some time on an anti-psychotic and watch THEIR freakincarbs. (Anti-psychotics can make you crave carbs.)

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The Big Picture

Posted June 26, 2011 By kmarrs

angry-woman-on-boardI should apologize now if this isn’t entirely coherent. I started this at around 6:30 AM when I gave up trying to sleep due to this post writing itself in my head and finished it at 8AM. PS pregnancy insomnia is FUN.

I keep going over in my head, ever with the doubts, “Is this early leave really necessary? Am I just being a big baby?”

A couple of months into the pregnancy I started experiencing cramping my in uterus and lower abs. It was sporadic at first and I never at any point really worried about it. In the sense that, duh, shit is getting real down/in there. Cramping happens. As time progressed, what was sporadic became more and more regular and constant. What was usually triggered by me rolling over to fast, had no obvious trigger. I was just cramping. 7 months into the pregnancy the cramping has changed in location and style, but it’s still there. I’m still not overly concerned about it. It hurts like hell at times. It has been known to cause me to literally double over. Usually, it’s at it’s worse at work because that’s when I’m the most active. But that is not enough to have me go, “Hey, I need to stop working.” It’s not like that’s the only time I cramp. And all through this my OBGYN has been aware and up to date, and we are all in agreement that it’s within the realms of normal.

There were some incidents of bleeding and a lovely couple of days at around 18 weeks where I thought the baby was trying to fall out of me. All were potential warning signs of something serious, but after careful examination everything was fine. The first bleeding was placenta attaching to my uterine wall, it can cause bleeding. The massive pressure on my cervix was the baby pushing the bladder in a new interesting location and well, it was trying to escape. Keeping it empty and giving the baby a chance to reposition, alleviated that. The second bleeding at 27 weeks was of unknown cause. Completely. BUT everything checked out so I was good to go. All three episodes led to me taking it easy for a few days, but I was otherwise fine to continue on.

At no point in this was working fun. I don’t have the type of job that is easy going for a pregnancy, but it was doable and I pushed through. There were miscellaneous this hurts and that hurts, but nothing serious. Nothing outside the realms of “Well duh, you’re pregnant.”

Around May things started to change. See the store gets really warm. Especially the front. Lots of people, lots of machines, doors constantly opening letting in warm air, and a metal roof which doesn’t help. Last summer, when I wasn’t even pregnant, was pretty bad heat tolerance wise. Winter was blissful. When others were cold, I was comfortable. When the warm weather came back around and I, who am naturally warm anyways, was no longer at all able to regulate my body heat, I knew I was in trouble. If I could work fastlane, I was in bad shape but I could make it through. Regular lane was a whole different story. Within 2 hours of being put on lane, I was in serious danger of passing out. All the warning signs and symptoms, it was just a matter of time. It got to where most the time, they didn’t even try to put me on lane, no one wanted me to pass out. But there were days where lane was where I was put anyways, for various reasons. All but one of those days, minds were quickly changed when it became obvious that maybe they should take things seriously. But I tried. Most of the time I hate fastlane so I really did want to be on lane and I thought maybe I could make it through. But no. It should also be noted that while the air in the store was turned on in May, it was broken right up until a couple of weeks ago. So that didn’t help.

With the heat issue I started to think that maybe my plan of working straight through to labor might not actually work. I did drop down to 4 days a week hoping that would help with the over all of everything. I knew nothing that was going on was grounds for a medical leave so I was determined to stick it through. I really didn’t want to quit. Not only am I not currently hireable, but with me paying into short term disability, my leave I did take, would be paid. I’m not stupid.

Meanwhile, I was spending the 20 minutes leading up to my daily clock in in tears because I hurt, it was hot, and I had 8.5hrs ahead of me. There were days that I actually wished I would be put on bed rest so that I would have to go on leave.

This pregnancy was kicking my ass and work wasn’t helping.

But there was no medical reason for me to do anything other than keep on going. So I did.

All the while resenting the baby because I felt like she was trying to kill me. (Looking back, how was this not a huge warning sign?)

My mental health, through all this was deteriorating.

The day before 28 weeks, 3rd trimester is the day things went from kinda bad to really bad.

By that point the regular headaches I get mid-way through each pregnancy had started. There were 2 actual migraines, and the rest were just every day non-stop, can’t get rid of them headaches.

Around 26 weeks is when the after a long day lower back pain became a non-stop back pain.

But it was at 28 weeks the sciatic nerve started acting up. I’ve already discussed it here a few times but the key thing to note is this: when it’s at its worse, I can’t walk. That first day was the most severe of the not being able to walk, but 2 weeks later, it still happens. At first it was a solid 8-9 on the pain scale. With no relief. The ice and stretching that I was instructed to do, is what brought it down to the 8. I had to work hard for an 8 on the pain scale. Now I’m down to about a 7, usually. First thing in the morning it’s at it’s absolute worst and I’m back up to that 8/9. After being up for an hour it goes down to a 6/7. It’s one part loosening up the hip joint, and also just getting out of a laying down position. As the day progresses and I’m active (doctor appointments, and other basic activity) the pain increases. If I’m on my feet for more than 15 minutes here and there it goes back up to the 8/9. If I’m able to remain off my feet, I can keep it at around a 7.

Once the sciatica kicked in, I had three doctors agreeing work currently wasn’t an option. BUT it wasn’t grounds for a medical leave because no one’s life was in danger. Sucks, but I understood. So our goal was to get it taken care of as quickly as possible and get me back to work, doctors note to have me out in the meantime. There were grounds for that.

Then the treatment didn’t work. You’ve been updated on that. This past Thursday was not a good day for me. On the one hand I was ready to return in the sense that I need the escape work brings me. So yes, despite all the misery, part of me really does want to return. NOW. Even to a job that isn’t my favorite job. I need freedom. But I also knew, physically, I was screwed. I was in just as bad of shape as I had been the first day I missed because of all this. But I had missed 2 weeks, there was no money.

I broke down. My mental health, Thursday, bottomed out. Granted it had been going downhill for months. But the constant severe pain plus the thought of going back and the severe pain becoming worse as a result, but knowing there was no money for me to do otherwise… Thursday I hit rock bottom. Or as close as I can currently get, keeping in mind I won’t hurt myself while pregnant. But oh did/do I want to.

Thursday evening after a particularly harsh sobbing jag, my husband brought up short term disability on the grounds of mental health. I had briefly thought of it but pushed it aside. Yes I was rock bottom but why was I rock bottom? Was it serious enough of a rock bottom since I wouldn’t actually go through with anything while pregnant? Was mental health even grounds for a medical leave that would lead to a pay check? Lord knows an unpaid leave because of mental health would only make the mental health worse, so that would be counter productive. I knew my OBGYN and reg doc had been resistant towards an official leave for medical reasons, what kinda of resistance would mental health reasons bring? Yes, I have my psychiatrist and yes, she would be the one I’d need to talk to, but in the years of being her patient, I’d never really had something like this come up so I didn’t know. If this wasn’t directly (however aided) caused by BPD, was there anything she could do.

Friday I was out of bed at 8, a half hour before my usual wake up, and 2 hours before I was scheduled to be at work. My plan was to test the waters. First and foremost, was this a morning where I could walk? I could, but it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I honestly figured I was headed to work. Pat told me it was up to me. As stressed as we both were over money, he at that point was more worried about my mental health. I think it was mostly that. My physical health as well, of course, but only one was potentially life threatening.

And well, I was at the point where I’d rather put a bullet in my head than spend 8 hours on my feet anywhere. Not just work, anywhere.

By 8:30 I was on the phone with work, 5 minutes later I had a doctor’s appointment.

And the rest is pretty well documented.

But my initial questions of, “is this really grounds for leave” still lingers? I guess I feel bad like I’m taking advantage of something? Of what, I don’t know. What detail I gave my psychiatrist on Friday when I called her to ask about it lead to an instant “of course I’ll fill out the paperwork” which should logically lead me to think I’m just being paranoid.

And the thing is, while the mental health might be the official reason for my leave, I know my physical health is a huge factor for me.

Yesterday, my mom sent an urgent email saying there was an event she had discovered last minute that she wanted to take me and the boys to, was I up for it. Er… sorta? I’d actually, just the night before discovered a way I could sleep (involving 4 pillows piled exactly just right) that made my morning easier. I was no longer starting out my day at an 8/9. I was actually starting at a 6. So I said I’d be willing to try. There would be walking but opportunity to sit as needed, and if all else failed I could stay put and they could go on without me. So we went. I’ll be honest, while it was only about an hour and a half with plenty of sitting brakes, it kicked my ass. Really kicked my ass. Here it is the next day and my ass is still kicked. So that right there was all I needed to confirm that no, working a shift at work is still not physically an option. BUT on the flip side, it was really good for my mental health. My boys were in heaven and even I was in awe. (Granted then we left and realized we were all hot, tired, hungry crabby and in my case in pain so it wall went to hell…) So it was awesome, but no, I really can’t be on my feet for long.

I will say the weight off my shoulders knowing this paid leave is happening a huge relief. That alone has actually helped get my mental health state back in the right direction. I’m still dealing with what the constant pain is doing to it, but knowing I can just focus on healing and not what the healing process is doing to us financially is a HUGE relief.

And fact sitting on my mind that I was already resenting the baby for my physical misery, led me to wonder did I really want to be resenting the baby for forcing my hand at living through my mental pain?

Maybe that last one, is the key to accepting that my medical leave is on grounds of mental health, and not physical.

Though to me, the are both a factor.

I guess what I really need to hear is that I’m just paranoid. Yes mental health is a very valid reason for a medical leave. With or without the coexisting miserable pregnancy and complications that is technically what is making my mental health worse.

What say you?

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