Pat Archive

You Only Wish

Posted July 10, 2013 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality DisorderI am in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee in a secluded cabin with my husband of 10 years and not a single child I birthed in sight.  You only wish you were me!

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It’ll Be OK

Posted July 9, 2013 By kmarrs

Friendship and BPDHave you ever known someone who you can talk to for like 30 minutes tops, just to realize it’s actually been 4 hours?

I think I’m suddenly going to be ok in the friendship department.

If I can only have one local friend, then at least I seem to have found the one I need.

Lisa and Dawnie are a time zone away.  No one can fill the shoes those two fill.  Lisa my adventure inspiration.  Coaching me up walls, into boats, and one step further on the pavement.  Dawnie is my soul coach.  She inspires me to greatness in the realms of improving the lives of others.  But they are both so far away.

Faith is almost close, but not close enough that I can see her all the time, so I don’t fully consider her local.  Plus she is moving to Florida in a year.  Of course we’ll still keep in touch, but hanging out even just once a month won’t be an option.  In the meantime, she’ll be my kayak buddy.  (Side track: I seriously need to get back in a boat soon).  We chat though the week and I enjoy the conversation.  It’s good to have a local girlfriend I can talk about families and life with.

Not to be forgotten, Patrick, whom I can share the insides and outsides of my soul with.  Who has been by my side through all of my ups and downs, riding the roller coaster right along with me.  My longest and truest, best friend.

I think the remaining friend role has been filled.  Someone to talk about anything to, who actually understands based on their own life experiences, and doesn’t already know all my stories from having lived through them.  Someone who is also local, so unlike Dawnie, these conversations can take place in a coffee-house, in a book store, sitting in my living room talking though a movie.

So there are 5.  This is the fullest my life has ever been.  I never dreamed I could be this lucky in friendship.  And I wouldn’t change a thing of it.

I have friends I always needed, family I always wanted, a marriage that has been stable for longer than I thought possible, mental health that is stable, a career I’m loving with all of me, and I’m back in school.

I think everything is going to be OK.

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Our Song

Posted June 7, 2013 By kmarrs

Since the day I crossed the stage and accepted my high school diploma and my (then) friend sat in the audience, his chest filled with pride, little knowing that I’d soon be his, this has been our song.

It’s meaning has increased for me, recently, as I truly appreciate all that he is for me. As he struggles to comfort me in an agony he can’t fix. That he can’t even suggest I throw a pill at because this is life, not mental illness.  Both of us knowing that he is so very much, but can’t be it all.

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

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A Pink Anniversary

Posted May 1, 2013 By kmarrs

I could have handled the sinuses.

It moving to my chest was to be expected.  For me.  Everything moves to my chest.  I have a great chest, after all.

But what I woke up to last Tuesday, the day before my 10-year-anniversary, was a bit much.

I woke up for my shower at about 6.  When I got out and went to lie back down to snooze and meditate, and just procrastinate on being awake (A vital part of my wake-up routine, I schedule it in.  This is why I have 4 different alarms spread between nearly 2 hours every work morning.) I realized I couldn’t shut my eyes, either one, without an intense burning sensation.  It was like the sand paper was covered in acid, as it sanded my eyeballs smooth.  I got a wet washcloth and pressed it hard over my shut eyes and that allowed me to keep them closed.  45 minutes later, I was fantastic and good-to-go.  Aside from the sinus crud.

As the morning progressed, I noticed my eyes were burning, and I kept losing vision.  In both eyes.  I could blink it back, but my vision kept blurring and getting foggy.

Granted, the foggy made sense when I looked in the mirror over my lunch break and observed the layer of snot covering both eyeballs.  Also, the pink and swollen.

Now, I don’t exactly have a ton of experience with pink eye.  I never got it as a child that I know of.  Only my middle little has had it of my 3, and his was so bad his eye was swollen shut.

But while I’m no genius and only play a doctor on the internet, if the eye oozes, you get thee to an eye doctor!  Thank nacho cheese god (a minor god… or major depending on your love of the cheese) for them being able to get me in same day, no notice.

Sure enough.  Thank sweet baby Buddha that it was bacterial pink eye and not viral.  I was only contagious if my eyeball made out with other eyeballs.  Totally killed its plans for the night but I kept it in isolation.  In my head. (That joke was officially taken too far.  I’m sorry.  Not sorry enough to take it down, mind you.  But sorry enough to apologize.)

I’m a baby when it comes to my eyes and putting stuff in them.  Contacts?  No thanks.  The puff of air during the eye exam?  First time in my life I consented, and only because I had a double eye infection.  Eye drops?  Only if I’m dying at it will be my only savior.

Well, guess what.  Pink eye?  I was counting the minutes until my next eye drop dose.  Oh, the sweet and instant relief.  Oh glory to the good stuff!

Granted, I did confirm I could close my eyes, drop it in the corner, and then blink it into place.  The good doctor suggested an extra drop each dose, then ordered me a slightly larger bottle.

Still.  Progress.

So yes, for my anniversary date, I was one hell of a hot mess.  We went to dinner and then played pool, with maximum strength sinus meds and eye meds in tow.

I was bringing sexy back!

Apparently the theme for this anniversary.

Because later that night, I brought sexy back.

And I ain’t referring to eyeball snot. *wink*


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Ten Years

Posted April 24, 2013 By kmarrs

I have been married for 10 years as of today.  That is more than 1/3rd of my life.  No joke.  I’m 30-years-old at the end of this year, but not yet.  So my math holds tight.

Way back, before Luke was born, when Pat and I were separated and he had just moved out with our son, my mom told me she didn’t think we’d last.  Pat was a nice guy but…

Thank you, mother, for driving me back to my husband with a determination to make things work, better than anything else could have.

Even now, 6-7 years later, when we go through rocky periods, I reflect back on that moment with my mom, and really all the odds out there, which are not in our favor, and my sheer bullheadedness kicks in and I’ll be damned if I’m going to fall to a statistic.  I enjoy beating odds.

And yes, we have rocky periods.  Sometimes they last days or hours, other times they last months.  I think that’s normal.

Marriage is work whether it’s in year one or year fifty.  Marriage is a lot of work.  It takes effort, patience and in my case, bullheadedness.  And sometimes things aren’t perfect.

But other times things are exactly how Nicholas Sparks would lead you to believe.

Then the rest of the time things aren’t over the moon, but they aren’t in a swamp either, and we can go through the day-to-day married to our best friend, raising our kids, and just enjoying a state of low to no drama, and general contentment.

That, my friends, is a healthy marriage.  The highs, the lows, and the sweet, normal, between.

Happy anniversary, my love.  You are my best friend and my first real love that doesn’t involve the color white and a pedestal.  So with that in mind, I promise not to lose my bullheadedness anytime soon.

(Edit in response to Pat’s response (Really?!?!?) to me singing love songs while writing this: “I’m writing our anniversary post!  It goes live Wednesday at 1oAM  and if you don’t read it, I’ll take back everything I said in it!”)

(Second Edit: Wow, I linked to some crappy times up there.  So I think I should link to where I realized how much Pat loves me. And why our marriage works so wellWhy I love him.  And how he became my hero.  Oh, and he held true to his promise about The Bloggess, though my mom and sister took me, he stayed with the kids making it all possible.)

I’m damn lucky.

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I Don’t Post On Tuesdays But…

Posted April 23, 2013 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder bpd and doctor who


“Tomorrow is impossible astronaut day!” Said I to my husband the evening prior, “So if you wake up with tally marks on your arm… It wasn’t me!”

Now, be good and pass this on!

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