My stomach hurts. I think it’s from the booze I drank last night. Not too much I had to drive with the kid in the car. Not even really enough for a buzz. I’m not sure why I bothered. I would have been better off taking my meds, which I had to skip to drink. So note to self, don’t bother drinking anymore. Not worth it.

Still doesn’t make sense that my stomach hurts now. I never get a belly ache from booze. So maybe I’m just hungry or ate too much party food last night.

I went to a party last night. Magical Skate turned 21. It was a fairly calm party for a 21st birthday. There was booze but it wasn’t obtrusive. And it was a good mixture of adults, kids and little kids. So it was more like a semi-large gathering.

I had panic attacks, not handling the crowd. I’m still shaken up from it. Which is one reason why I’m dreading work tomorrow. Tomorrow.

My stomach is really bothering me.

And I feel really shaky.

I didn’t sleep last night. I tried and tried. But I just had trouble. I had very vivid dreams when I did sleep. So it was anything but a rested night. Pat was going to let me sleep till noon but by about ten I couldn’t take it anymore and come upstairs.

I tried to smother myself again last night. Clearly it didn’t work. I didn’t really think it would. I don’t know why I keep trying.

I need to get some bread into my belly. I keep coughing and almost throwing up.

Some mother fucker ate the last of the bagels without taking the rest out of the fridge.

I keep burping booze.

I didn’t even drink that much.

So not worth it.

Teddy Grams. I have teddy grams. I should eat some of them. They are good on an upset stomach.

Teddy grams are the shit. I don’t know why I say it like that. I’m too not cool to use lingo like that.

Jesse said something hurtful last night. Really really hurtful.

me: writing a book is hard

I should take my morning meds. I could use the Ativan.

I had a lot of panic attacks last night. At one point I went into one of the unoccupied rooms and cried. I don’t know why. It was right after my old boss put me one the spot about how I’m doing, when I’m going back to work, and if I’m ready. Not Brenda. She knows better. She uses tact and watched my body language to see if she’s going too far. She’ll laugh when she reads this. Brenda and tact don’t belong in the same sentence. But still, she goes at it gently like a mother. Jeff put me on the spot and shot off questions fire squad style.

I don’t know if that’s why I went off and cried.

I had a couple of good days. I’ve had a couple of bad days.

My stomach is feeling better.

Luke is napping. When he wakes up we’re eating lunch and then going to the park. Pat and Thomas are going to fly a kite. Luke is going to get some much needed run around and climb time.

Luke is afraid of grass. You sit him down in grass and he screams as if you are boiling him alive. It’s as funny as it is pathetic and is it sad. He’s isn’t in danger so it’s ok to laugh. But not too much. Only a little laughter is ok.

I think I had best shut up now.

Now I’m burping Mt Dew. Progress, I has it.