Holiday Fun Archive

2014

Posted December 31, 2014 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder BPDSo I really thought 2013 was the worst year ever.  Like nothing could possibly be worse.  I mean seriously.  2013 was total shit.

Then 2014 happened.  I know I’ve been really super quiet the past 12-18 months.  I think at some point it became an issue of “where the fuck do I even begin”.  Plus I was going through so much emotional shit.  I was a mess.  But I was a mess in the process of doing what needed done to make myself better.

However, medication can’t fix everything.  So let’s take a look at the pros (there are some) and cons (oh good lord) of 2014.  Then my goal for 2015 will come tomorrow.

 

Pros of 2014

I am medicated.  It seems a decent combo.  I’m on an anti-depressant, like lest time.  I’m on a mood stabilizer, like last time.  I’m not on an anti-psychotic, but at this time it does not seem necessary.  I have added an anti-anxiety, because it became necessary.

 

I have hair!  Mind you, I was just fine with shaving my head.  However, I reached a point where I decided I wanted hair again and I have worked very hard at making it happen.  I have a billion hair things to keep it out of my face and the anti-anxiety helps a lot.

 

I am back in with Patrick. (Uh, this list is not in order of importance.  Pat is more important than hair, about tied with meds.)  I knew by Christmas of 2013 that it was a goal, but I was not ready for it.  So even after we were “back” I still lived alone for a couple of months to sort myself out some.  Plus it allowed us to fix what needed fixed while we were still in our separate corners.  Additionally, it allowed me time to miss him like crazy which at that point was healthy and beneficial for the end goal of living together.

 

We have a house!  We are renting it, but we can rent to own once ready.  In the meantime we have a huge yard, privacy, and no shared walls.  If something breaks, someone else fixes it.  We are allowed to paint, hang photos, build a fence.  Just as long as we can leave it how we found it should we move.  I, however, plan to grow old and die here unless my finances really take off.  The neighborhood is super quiet, minus the occasional air force jet or helicopter.  And as of yet we have yet to be annoyed by that, because we’re still too in awe.  Plus, most of the air traffic is during the day, not when we are trying to sleep.  So we really don’t mind.

 

I completed a full year of school.  One full-time trimester, and 2 part-time.  This last one about did me in but I’m am still pulling straight A’s for a perfect 4.0 GPA.  I was also invited to be an International Scholar Laureate and represent American business student in Hong Kong this summer.  I turned it down because it had a 5-6K price tag that would not be covered by loans and aid, but I’m still honored I was even invited.  It also led to the knowledge that there are generally a lot of programs like this some of which school aid will cover.  So in a year or two I’m going to check out spending a few weeks studying in London or something.

 

You know what?  I had the best Christmas I have had in a really long time.  Pat and I hosted.  His mother was here until she had to leave for medical reasons.  Both his brothers were here.  Our niece and a brother-in-law stopped in for a bit.  My mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law was here.  Pat cooked an amazing meal.  There was love, laughter, and some really well thought out presents.  I loved what I received, but I really loved what I gave just as much.

 

We had a young kitty follow my oldest home and then in the front door last November.  He was clearly a stray as he was nothing but fur and bones, but he was also obviously use to people as he is a snuggler.  So we named him Jeff, and gave him a home.  Jeff has since made it clear I’m his human, which is odd as cats normally don’t like me.  However, this cat is a wee bit obsessed.  No complaints here.  He sleeps on my feet when I’m working on my desk.  He curls up with me in bed.  And now that I mostly have him convinced that eating the toes of the human changing position under the covers is a bad idea, it makes for a very peaceful slumber.  He is a bit of an asshole.  However, he is my asshole and I didn’t know how badly I needed this cat in my life until he showed up.  May he stay with me until old age.

 

Cons of 2014

My favorite uncle passed away.  He was actually really sick for a very long time so this wasn’t a huge shock, but it still broke my heart.

 

We don’t have enough evidence to press charges, but there is every sign that my 3-year-old niece was molested.  Which…  She’s ok now, but for a while there she was pretty shook up.

 

My sister almost died of complete liver failure.  As she has now made this public knowledge, I can talk about it.  (I’ve wanted to talk about it.)  She has been an alcoholic for about 7 years now and it took her liver.  Where she was showing signs of not being healthy for a while, it was only this past year where it became enough for a doctor to really look her over and realize that it only would have been a matter of a few more days or weeks and her liver would have fully stopped functioning.  She was in and out of the hospital over the course of the year.  Especially the last third of it.  She has been given blood transfusions, potassium, steroid, antibiotics, everything.  She has been 4 months sober as of Christmas Eve and has stopped smoking (SO proud of her!) and the doctors have waited things out to see just how much her liver could heal on its own.  See the thing it, the specialist who has taken a look says he doesn’t give a damn how much she drank in the past 7 years, her liver looks like it belongs to someone who has drunk heavily for closer to 30 or 40.  So there is every sign that there is an underlying issue.  However, they can’t find it.  So they got her blood work looking good and all the meds in her and wanted to see how much her liver could heal with all their care, and no drinking.  However, sadly, it just can’t heal itself enough.  They had hoped, but truthfully aren’t surprised.  However, they now know exactly where she stands so they can put her on the transplant list.  The full day appointment with that team is coming up.  They will run a million tests to make sure she is otherwise healthy and if she passes all that (she is young and is healthy aside from the liver) she will be on the list and will hopefully have her new liver in a couple of months.  Maybe as early as January, possibly as late as March, but most likely we’re looking at February for that.  This is scary as fuck because her body could still reject the transplant, but with her age and over all health,they think her prognosis is really damn good.

 

I lost the most important friend in my life (that isn’t my husband).  Not because of drama, but simply drifting apart and my heart may never fully heal from this loss.  I know we will always be there for one another in times of need, but as we use to see each other daily and we’re now down to a couple of text messages a month… It will just never ever be the same.  My world has a big gaping hole in it now.  A hole that not just anyone can fill.

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The Spirit of Santa – The Spirit of Giving

Posted December 5, 2014 By kmarrs

I need help saving Christmas for 4 amazing, young boys and their father.  These boys have had a rough go at life.  Some parts have been rougher than others.  This past year has  been the roughest yet, as their parents battled for custody.  Their father, the more stable of the two, has finally won this battle, but doing so has seen his finances get stretched beyond comfort.  He had to give up his second job, and when is babysitter stopped showing up, he missed a lot of work, nearly losing his job in the process, and a lot more.  Upon hearing what was going on, I stepped in and have been hanging out with these amazing boys, aged 4-9, every day after school until their daddy gets off.  In doing so, their daddy has been able to get back to being financially stable, however, not enough so to make Christmas happen.  He’s afraid the illusion of Santa will be shattered when they realize what Christmas coming after a tax return really means.

I call bullshit.  There is too a Santa and his magic is alive! However, not being made of money myself, I can’t do this alone.  So I’m asking for your help!  This family needs some Christmas magic now more than ever.  It’s been rough for them the past year.  I think a Christmas miracle is exactly what they need to see.

Please help me give this to them.

We are aiming for a deadline of the 14th so that there is plenty of time for phase 2: shopping.


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Un-Resolute

Posted December 31, 2013 By kmarrs

BPD and New Year ResolutionsI don’t do resolutions, but I guess I still have goals for the coming year.  Call them what you will.

  1. Read an average of a book a week ending the year at 52 books read.
  2. Read the entire Bible in full
  3. Write two blog posts a week ending the year at 104 posts written
  4. Keep my 4.0 GPA
  5. Have my financial situation  settled whether disability or having to find a job
  6. Make this year better than the one before it
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Ten

Posted July 5, 2013 By kmarrs

Borderline Personality Disorder and ParentingThomas,

I tried to write this for weeks. It was in fact “due” two days ago.  But trying to track down the words for my thoughts and feelings for you is not unlike trying to track down the Loch Ness Monster.  You know it’s there but good luck getting your hands on it.

What do you say about the person who made you a momma?  What do you say about the person who changed your life forever?  I love no one like I love you.  I don’t love you any more or less than I do Lucas and Samantha, but of you three, you were my first real, true love.  My heart grew to give you all equal room.  But equal does not mean the same.  No better.  No more nor less.  But not the same.

As I sit here trying to decide how to put this in words, I reflect on how much of your life I have missed due to my illness.  How many of your early years I was too sick to truly enjoy and properly file away into my momma memory.  I don’t have as many as I would like, but I have some important ones.

In no particular order:

1.  You were born 3 and half weeks early.  The doctors called you premature, I called you ready to get the party started.  You always have been one to prefer your own time frame for things.  Luckily, as far as being a touch early is concerned, you were healthy as can be.

2. You were so close to walking, that when your Grandma and I saw a baby push toy at a garage sale, we figured it might help you along and bought it for you.  You basically, took one look at it, took great insult, stood up, and walked from that moment on.  I’m only exaggerating a very, little bit.

3.  You will forever be my favorite person to sing Bohemian a cappella with.  I don’t care how  many times I get the teller line at work to break out into song with me, you being able to belt out the song I taught you to love when you were only 8-years-old, will forever remain one of my favorite things about you.

4. Dude.  You power read through the first Harry Potter in slightly over 24 hours.  That would be impressive even if I had let you read through the night like you wanted.  The fact you had to keep putting it down and still power read through it is amazing.  Also?  You are old enough that we can discuss books we both love together.

5. Speaking of reading: At the age of 9, your 3rd grade teacher could no longer test your reading level.  You weren’t just off her chart, you were off the elementary school chart.  And at the rate you are going, you’ll be off any middle school chart before you even reach 6th grade.  The government doesn’t even try to track you anymore.  You’re off all their charts as well.  My first and truest love in life has been and always will be books.  Raising a reader means that with all I’ve done wrong, I’ve done something very right.

6.  I remember sitting in Eddie’s living room, way back when you were little and dad and I rented a room in that house, and singing to you how you were just too good to be true.  Still true.  I may get so very angry at you sometimes but you are still too good to be true.

7. I remember the day you realized you were smarter than the rest of us.  You wanted something on the kitchen counter that at 18-months-old, you simply couldn’t reach.  So you looked down, saw the dog’s food dish, turned it over, stepped up, and suddenly could reach.  That was the day I gave up on ever being smarter than you.

8. The love you hold for your sister is fierce.  You do right by her, seeing as how you begged for her long before even Lucas was born.  You adore her and she adores you.  It is beautiful to behold.

9. This entry from the blog I made for you when you were super little, well before your current.  You were 4 in this story.

We went to this Chinese buffet for dinner tonight.  And momma said if I ate a good dinner I could have ice cream.

Me: I want rainbow ice cream.
Momma: They don’t have rainbow ice cream.
Me: Yes they do, I smell it.
Momma: You smell rainbow ice cream?
Me: Yes…. I do!

Daddy gets back to the table and momma leaves to get me my “soft serve”.  Whatever that is.  After a second she comes right back, hands empty with a confused look on her face.

Momma: Pat when did they get rid of the soft serve machines and get an ice cream bar?  And since when do they have rainbow sherbet?
Daddy: I don’t know but you should get him some.
Momma: I am…

She leaves again and then comes back this time with some rainbow ice cream.

Momma: How did you know they had rainbow ice cream?
Me: I smelled it!
Daddy: He told you!

No, I never had a chance to see it.  I’m not tall enough to see the ice cream in the bar.  And no one else was eating any.  No one told me.  Momma is really confused as to how I knew.  Apparently she doesn’t believe me when I say I could smell it.

10. If all your girlfriends can be as sweet as your first girlfriend at the age of 3, Katie, we’ll be set!

 

Love you, kiddo!  You drive me crazy, but I love you!

 

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Silence

Posted May 27, 2013 By kmarrs

© KMarrs Photography (Me) – Rock Island National Cemetery, Rock Island Arsenal

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There Is No Train To Chicago

Posted May 3, 2013 By kmarrs

My best friend Lisa is moving to Chicago.  This week.  I’ve known about this as a confirmed thing for 2 weeks now.  I’ve known about it as an eventual for longer.  Her boyfriend works out there and flies back-and-forward every single week.  The thing is, he makes good money and can only do that job from either there or New Jersey.  But if he sticks with if for a while, 5 years or so, he will be marketable for anywhere, world-wide even, and it will pay even better.  It’s something computer related.  And Lisa?  Is amazing, but she can be amazing equally in and city of any state or country.  So when they were sick of the commute and never seeing each other, and had to make a decision, it was just logical for them to settle out there, at least for a while.

But sometimes the rational decisions adults make really suck.

I’m also bemused by the fact that my other really good (can you call someone you’ve never technically met in person a best? ) friend already lives in Chicago.  So clearly:

1. I have to introduce them

2. I need to start making yearly trips to Chicago

I’m hoping that the first will happen later this year.  Actually, it has to.  Dawnie and I swore 2013 would not end without us meeting finally in person.  I would hate to see this hellacious year held in limbo because I couldn’t fly out there for 3 days.  My husband, known for his anxiety and paranoia, doesn’t even have a hint of a problem with me flying out there and meeting her on my own. “I think I’m actually OK with Dawnie,” he says.  Granted, we’ve live video chatted, exchanged cell phone numbers and texts, countless emails, snail mails, etc etc etc.  Just all from different states.  (Yet the twitter friend 2 miles away, he is nervous about.  Which I understand and am patient with.  This man does have anxiety bad enough it’s disabling.)  Dawnie is just different.

So, back to the point, I’m hoping that over a 3 day week later this year, like veteran’s day, I can fly out that Friday night and back the Monday night.  Time with Lisa Saturday, both Sunday, Dawnie Monday.  Or whatever.

All I know is, I need to haul ass to Chicago!

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