Isolation Part 2

BPD Broken Heart Borderline Personality Disorder

Part 1

On July 17th 2015, I said goodbye to my almost lover. I went to his office with two goals in mind. First I gave him a copy of the children’s book I wrote, for him to give to his son. (Alphabet Antics can be found on Amazon.) I signed it and everything and told him to be sure to read it to the little guy often.

Then I said goodbye. At first he thought I was moving away. I assured him, I wasn’t but then pointed out that the branch he works at isn’t exactly close to my house and that my life wasn’t in that part of town anymore so that I wouldn’t be back.

I then confessed it was getting harder and harder to see him, that how I felt about him would never ever change, but that I couldn’t keep playing the “Maybe this visit he’ll realize he needs me in his life,” game. I know he cares about me. I know he wants me in his life. Just for whatever reason, he can’t find a place for me. And I can’t keep hoping that will change.

I restated both what I wanted and what I needed but that I understood it wasn’t happening and that I needed to walk away because I was getting hurt in the process of all this.

Of course I’m crying through all this, and he’s apologizing, he never meant to hurt me. I know that. I told him I knew that. I assured him I wouldn’t be sitting there if I thought he’d hurt me on purpose. He looked so broken watching me cry, hearing my words.

I then told him that I wasn’t going to say never contact me again. He knows how to get ahold of me, I even made sure. I did warn him though, that if he opens that door he needs to be prepared to walk through it; drinks once a month, right up to my husband has offered our bed. Anywhere in between. I just can’t keep visiting him at the branch and I can’t be the person he texts once in a blue moon. I either need him or I need to move on.

Then I told him goodbye and left.

And that may be the very last I’ll ever hear or see of my almost lover.

There aren’t adequate words in the English language for this pain.

Except maybe: Isolation

To Be Continued

Isolation Part 1

Borderline Personality Disorder and FriendshipMaybe my story is a story of loneliness. I guess maybe that’s always been my story; one of deep isolation. I don’t know if I’m really that hard to be around, or just too awkward to make friends.

You’ll recall that recently I lost my closest friend due to a slight disagreement on the value of black people. Now my story may be of isolation, but it’s also one of tolerance. I find value in all human beings equally no matter what. Actions of the individual alone are what change the acceptance for that individual. Basically love, or at least tolerate, and be loved in return. Harm none and find your spot in my heart.

It’s a wonder I have no friends.

This leaves me with, aside for a few random acquaintances, Dez and Sarah, my two lovely and beautiful lesbian friends. I point out lesbian because they are a couple and basically come as a set. Which is twice as much win, so I’m not complaining. This duo or complete set shows up at my door once a month and we have a dinner party. Sometimes the theme is fancy party, sometimes it’s pajamas and pizza, but it’s always themed and it’s always great fun.

Dez and Sarah are great friends, but they are basically once a month friends. Unless something major comes up, I only really talk to them once a month at the dinner parties and not much in between unless we’re determining theme or date, which is fine. They are perfect for this and I love my monthly catch up with the girls.

But they are it. They are all I have. And being all I have, they are not enough. I’m left with 29-30 other days of the month in isolation. No one. Nothing. Alone.

To Be Continued