My memory is poor, so I don’t really have many fond memories of my ex best friend from high school. I remember when Luke was like 2yo, taking the boys to the zoo and pulling them around in the wagon I bought for that exact purpose. Only, that trip I guess Thomas mostly walked since he would have been around 6. And Lucas spread himself out in the wagon and passed the fuck out. He napped for a solid 2 hours or so in that wagon while we pulled him around the zoo.
I remember this because I just took the littles to the zoo. It finally opened back up this weekend for members only. You have to make reservations in advance since they are only letting so many people in at a time, but I made them well in advance. So I’ve been reflecting on the many happy zoo memories.
Another clear memory of her is her blatant ableism. Like how she refused to be seen with me in public in February with me wearing flip flops. Even though at that moment I literally could not wear any other shoes. I did not hang out with her that day and have actually not spoken to her since.
I guess that made her mad?
Because a few years later she tried to steal my then husband (now wife) and my kids from me. She always did covet the family I had. So the minute my relationship went south, she swooped in. I don’t blame Robin from sleeping with her. We were separated and she’s always had a crush on her. But she had no interest in being casual. She was in it for the family. And when Robin and I got back together she was furious. Which says a lot about her since she’s Catholic and doesn’t believe in divorce. Usually.
I’ve had an attempt at a best friend between now and then in Clyde. But he was toxic and I got out when that became apparent. We’ve been in and out of casual contact since. But nothing lasting. What can I say, we met in a joint class. We were teammates on a group project. The first that degree ever gave me. We then, a few years later, ran into each other in a different class. I think if I ran into him again, we could be civil. Stand and chat. Or email for a few days. But it wouldn’t be anything deep or lasting. That friendship was too toxic.
I’ve had a few toxic friendships. Hell, at times my relationship with Robin is toxic. This isn’t some huge revelation. It’s common knowledge we’ve been separated twice.
BPD makes it hard to maintain relationships.
Being neurodivergent makes starting relationships hard.
Also, I don’t see myself as worth much, so I don’t immediately bulk at being treated poorly.
So there is a Tumblr user who will go unnamed for their own safety that I’ve been an adopted mom to for a while. They live in a shitty situation with their parents and are a constant victim to all sorts of abuse with no easy way out. Also, please note that they are 20 so what I’m about to do is legal. However, being an adult doesn’t always make leaving any easier.
I consider this person to be like a daughter to me. A daughter of my heart if not my blood. You know how found families are. They are a core member of my friend group and over time they’ve revealed more and more details of the abuse they suffer to the group.
I finally reached my breaking point and with their consent, the whole group is now in rescue mode with me playing a central role.
First I need a new job that pays a living wage, which I’m looking for no matter what anyway. I’m about to graduate, this is the next step in my life. But with that living wage, I should be able to sort my finances and make it so I’m no longer dependent on my mother. This is key. I can’t initiate the plan if my mom is giving me a few hundred dollars a month to support my family. I don’t currently have a death wish.
Anyway with finances in a better position, and a tax return in hand to fund the trip, in early March I’m making the 12 hour drive to a state I won’t identify (actually my mom is driving me in her car because I’m a horrible driver and my own car is guaranteed to not survive this trip, bless its soul) we’re packing my found daughter up, and bringing her home with me. All while her parents are at work so we have no resistance. (A note will be left and the local police will be notified that this is a rescue and they are not missing, just leaving a bad situation.)
Once back in Ohio they will live with me as long as they need to get on their feet and establish their life as an adult, just like I will allow my other 3 kids. I don’t see a difference. It won’t be the most ideal living situation as quarters are cramped. But they’ve declared it much better than their current situation. So that’s something at least.
My friend group is working out the logistics of this plan. Everything from where I can rent a little cargo trailer and a trailer hitch, to making sure they can finish their current degree and move on to the next, to health insurance, to getting them in therapy the second we’re back in Ohio.
My immediate family is on board with this. Pat is a little more resigned than excited. But Pat understands who they married and how I am. My purpose in life is to rescue those in need with whatever power I have. That, and I’ve been talking for years about being done having kids, but wanting to foster older kids and give them a loving family once we’re financially stable and the kids are grown. This is about 10 years sooner than I had in mind, and it’s an adult we’re fostering. But hey. This is the path I’ve been led down.
Sammy is super excited to have a big “sister”. The boys are accepting. Lucas is hesitant but he’s autistic and is really hesitant with any strangers. He’ll be fine. He has 8 months to warm up to it. Most importantly, while I’m aware of his stranger danger tendencies, he’ll at no point be in any danger so trust will be built.
Mom is hesitant but also on board enough to drive me 12 hours and back to make this happen. You know how mom’s can/should be. Cautiously supportive.
So yeah, that’s what I’m up to these days when not studying.
About a year ago I wrote about having a girlfriend and being very happy in that relationship. She was everything I could want in a girlfriend, but it just wasn’t meant to be. There was no fighting or horrible breakup. It was calm and mutual based on distance and a couple of other factors that couldn’t be helped.
I will say she is one of my closest friends. Meeting her in person this past May (2018) was one of the best things I’ve done. It was nerve wracking to fly out to someone I’ve only known online. But sometimes you have to take chances like that and they pay off, usually.
Anyway, we’ve been broken up for awhile now. Less than I year, but maybe about 9 months? It’s no longer fresh. And it was about as healthy of a breakup as two people can have. We still adore each other. We send each other animal videos on Tumblr to show our affection. There just isn’t anything more to it possible beyond friendship. And that’s ok!
So many people will tell you that high school was the best time of their lives.
Or I’ll look at the pressures of being an adult and wish I could be 7-years-old again.
But when I really reflect and meditate on it, while I didn’t have to worry about making rent when I was 7, I was not exactly a worry free child.
Right now, at this point in my life, I have more true friendship than I have ever before had. I’ve always been so fucking lonely. So lonely. But now? I have more friends than I can count. And while I would seriously benefit from a local best friend, that is no longer a dire need.
I have made so many friends on Tumblr that I can honestly say that my life is overflowing with love. I’m also on a few discord servers where I have everything from casual acquaintances I’m getting to know better, to those that I’ve really become good friends with.
Life is not easy right now. We are so finacially dependent on my mother and it is the most depressing thing. Additionally, any therapist will tell you that access to fun money is important. I’m not talking like hundreds of dollars. But even like 20$ a paycheck that can go towards seeing a movie, or buying a book you’ve been eyeing. And that just does not exist for me right now. Not without going further into debt. And it’s depressing.
But I feel like… with the power of friendship on my side there is less… well, not less stress, but less feeling like life is horrid. My friends can’t fix my financial woes. They can’t save me from the stress of balancing school, work and family. But they help distract. They are great to talk to, about serious stuff and silly stuff alike. They help ease the burden of life.
I always knew, even as a child, that I was lonely. But never, before now, did I realize how full life can be when you have friends on your side. And I would never trade this feeling for anything!
Ugh. I’m suppose to be working on a science paper. However, I have time to do that later, and I have not written here in a while, so why not procrastinate?
I am a little more than halfway done with my bachelor’s degree. I am estimating my graduation, if everything goes as planned, to be the spring of 2020. Which I know sounds so far away. But that’s me going halftime, taking two classes a term, and also me taking (hopefully) next summer off. I’m due for a summer off. And apparently we can do that now and still work. See as a work-study I have to study to be allowed to work. But they realized that sometimes we need a break from the study part. So as long as we have studied the previous fall and winter terms, we’re allowed to take the summer off. I would have done that this summer but I didn’t know about it in time.
Fall term has officially started. I’m in week one of it. I’m taking a general science class that is more focused on critical thinking and analysis than it is on a specific field. But that’s ok. We live in a world of global warming deniers and this is a business school. So basically I took the science class that was both offered and required. It’s a 12 week class (compared to the usual 6 weeks) and then I have a 6 weeks management course. I don’t remember the specifics of the management course. I’d look it up but I’m about 11 weeks away from giving a crap. It’s an elective that seemed important to me at the time. So I’m sure I’ll benefit from it.
Still doing the work-study for the mathematics department gig. I basically plan to do this until either my boss gets sick of me or I graduate. Hopefully the graduation happens first. Then I’ll do a work-study, or whatever the equivalent is for a grad student, gig for OSU or wherever I end up. Hopefully OSU. Anyway, work is going well enough. I just had a performance review. My first of many. 18 months, almost, into the job. But eh. Anyway, there were no surprises. I knew going into it where I need to improve and we agreed on everything. So we discussed how I can do better in some areas and that was that. I’ll get another review in 30 days or so. I think. At least that seems to be the plan.
Everyone is happy and healthy. Funny story, actually. Sambam had a couple of major cavities in two of her molars, and at that size and at her age, they don’t fill them, they put crowns on them. Something medical jargon here about the crown lasting longer and they’re just baby teeth. Seemed weird to me but I got a second opinion just to be sure. (We had a bad experience with a dentist when Thomas was this age. The dentist did unnecessary work for the insurance money and was later the recipient of a class action lawsuit. So like we’re a little paranoid.) Anyway, it’s legit so we took her to get her crowns this past Thursday. They put her on laughing gas to calm her before using the needle to numb her. And I’m telling you, my daughter was so calm and high (as a kite) she didn’t even notice the needle. I sure did though and I hurt for her. Anyway she got the crowns and was like the number one best patient of the day, everyone agreed. And I was super proud of her. She’s a good kid.
They all started school this past Wednesday. Sammy is in first grade and loving it. Lucas is in fourth and start intermediate school, which means he now has 8 periods, or so, and is switching classrooms. He was nervous at first, but seems to have taken to it like a duck to water. Thomas is in eighth grade and in his last year of middle school. He’s growing up. I’d say he’s as tall as me, but if I’m being truthful I think at some point in the past month he’s officially passed me. And I’m not short. I’m about average height, but he’s going to be tall. Sammy turns 6 in a couple of weeks. She’s maturing into quite the big kid. She’s also turning into quite the artist.
So most of her birthday presents this year are various art supplies. The grocery store sells sketchbooks for like $2.50. Plus colored pencils and of course huge boxes of crayons. Then she is also getting coloring books just because. Coloring is fun yo! Anyway, the whole family is in on it together to supply her with all her art needs. Plus a few other odds and ends. But I think she’ll be happy with her haul this year.
I have more friendship in my life right now than I’ve had, well, ever. It’s mostly online, but I’m ok with that. I do need someone local to meet for coffee or dinner once in a while but I’ll work up to that. In the meantime, I have so much online friendship that like, I don’t feel like there is anything missing. We’re all on Tumblr and it’s just this big group of us. You should come chat me up over there. I will warn that my feed is a constant stream of snakes and reptiles and fish. One posting automatically every hour. And then when I am on, it gets really political. Like really political. So like if you can’t stomach snakes or politics, maybe you shouldn’t join me on Tumblr. Anyway, here is the link.
I haven’t almost bled to death in a couple of months. So that’s a plus. And last we checked my hemoglobin was up to 12.7 which is in the normal range. The low-end of the normal range, so I’m still on the iron supplements, but I’m not like as anemic as hell as I was even a month ago. Anyway, I’m just going to keep up with the iron and hopefully I’ll stop almost bleeding to death, and things will be good, yeah?
Mental health wise I’m ok. Mostly just really tired. I could have used this summer off from school. Really really. But it’ll be good in the long run to keep pushing though. I’ll have a nice long break soon. 2 weeks for Christmas and then I think I can schedule another 6 weeks on top of that during winter term if I take 2 6 week classes and neither of them start in the beginning of the term. Terms are 18 weeks long, so this is doable. I just have to make it until then. Also, that two weeks off for Christmas, will also be two weeks off from work, because the whole university shuts down. So like, I’m counting the days.
I have not had any medication changes lately, but it’s been awhile since I’ve listed my meds, so why don’t I do that now? In no particular order, and everything I take:
Gabapentin 900mg for fibromyalgia.
Ativan 1mg for anxiety – up to twice a day, but usually only once
Vitamin D3 2000mg because I get no sun ever
Ferrous Sulfate 650mg this is the iron
Protonix DR 40mg this is a super antacid that helps prevent my stomach from eating itself since I keep nearly bleeding to death
Geodon 100mg this is an antipsychotic I use off label for Borderline Personality Disorder. It isn’t for everyone but it can be very helpful for those of us with BPD to be on a medication like this. It helps with things like impulse control and angry outbursts. In general I just feel more in control of myself on this medication. However, a medication like this is not to be taken lightly. There are serious possible and likely side effects so really talk it over with you meds doctor and weigh out the pros and cons.
Topimax 100mg for headaches mostly, but there is the added benefit of weight loss. Again talk a medication like this over with your doctor. There are better medications for headaches generally, but as I’m obese, I wanted something that would help with weight loss and I knew this one did so I asked for it by name.
Fetzima 80mg this is my antidepressant. It’s a newer one and my insurance is not happy about it, but dudes I’ve been on them all and this is currently the one that works. It has the added advantage of a norepinephrine boost so like it helps with my energy levels. Which, between depression and fibro and anemia (these days), I need that boost.
And that’s everything. I take these all at once in the evenings. Which is not ideal but I’m horrible about remembering to take meds and this is the system that works for me. So this is what I do. My doctors know this about me a prescribe around it.
Also, on the subject of health, I have given up regular pepsi, and have switched to diet (coke). I’ve lost 20-30 pounds in doing so. I know it was the switch because that’s when I started losing weight. So yay? I have a long way to go and I’m working on it. Taking walks. Making healthier eating choices. Eating less in general. But I’ll get there. I’ll never be super skinny. It’s just not my body type and I’m on too many major psych meds that cause weight gain. But I want to be at a healthier weight, whatever that means for me. I’m also over all more interested in a healthier blood pressure, blood sugar level, and cholesterol level, than I am the actual shape of my body. Health over size.
That’s everything I can think of so I’m signing out. It’ll be awhile, I imagine, before I write again. Life has me pretty busy and since my mental health is stable, it’s pretty boring. Which is a good thing. I promise to try and touch base next month. I promise to try anyway. If I can write monthly, I think that’s a good goal. And of course, if anything interesting happens, I’ll write sooner. In the meantime, I leave you with this photograph of my daughter cracking up on laughing gas. She really is a doll baby.
It took me two months to get over that cough. And even so my lungs still aren’t quite right. I’ve never had bronchitis hit me that hard. But then again, pneumonia. Right as I was starting to get better, right about Christmas, I caught a cold my daughter brought home from school, and it went right to my lungs. I just couldn’t catch a break. Then again with this weather yo-yoing between freezing and light jacket weather, it’s no wonder everyone is sick. And everyone is sick. I don’t just mean my family, I mean there are nasty bugs out there going around.
I’ve made some friends. On Tumblr but it totally counts. I’ve joined a group of misfits that have banned together to form a family. Misfits is my word, but I think they’d agree with it. I’m still in the early stages of joining. I’ve been welcomed by the group patriarch, Simon. And one of the group members, Savi, is my new best friend. Or she will be just give it time. I’m slowly making friends with the others. It’s hard because I’m introverted, but I’ve been welcomed and that’s a great feeling. They meet on social media and watch movies and chat every night, basically all night, because we’re a bunch of insomniacs. I only meet with them Thursday night through Saturday night because I need my sleep during the week. One part depression, one part med cocktail, one part fibromyalgia, one part I’ve been this way my entire life: I value sleep and need a solid 9-10 hours of it with frequent 12 hour power naps to help fill in the gaps. You think I’m joking? I’m not. So I’ve made friends. My therapist would be so proud.
Only, she’s not my therapist anymore. It’s a long story but the gist of it is, I’m not feeling the magic anymore so I’m breaking off the relationship. Maybe I’ll go back next time life crumbles. Maybe I’ll find a new one. I still have my meds doc, so I’m not without mental health help. I’m just not in therapy. And right now, at this moment that’s ok. That relationship wasn’t a good fit anymore so it was time to move on. If I was really responsible I’d get myself set up with a new one and a relationship established before my next life crash. I know my meds doc can recommend one. I’m just tired. And right now, that’s one less half hour trip there, hour-long appointment, half hour trip back. I could find someone closer, but I like the group I go to. They are worth the travel time. And I’m not giving up my meds doctor. So I might as well find a therapist in the same building.
Trump. Actually, I’d rather not. I have not opened that can of worms on this blog and I’m going to keep it that way for now. Let us just leave it at this: I’m really going to miss Obama. He brought a level of dignity, class, and professionalism to the office that will be sorely missed.
School is going well. I’m maintaining a nearly 4.0. I still have that one B that is keeping me from perfection, but I’ll survive. I have not repeated the incident, at least. I’m currently in a professional communications class which is heavy on the writing. I’m, maybe not enjoying the content, but I really enjoy my professor and this class will be a huge help in my academic and professional careers, so I can respect it for that.
Speaking of which, class starts in 15, so I’d better proof read this and get it posted. I’ll try my best to be better at writing regularly. I’m not saying weekly, but we’ll see. I’m just so tired. Work, school, kids. I’m exhausted.