Day To Day Crap

Quarantine Chronicles Part 4

Posted on by kmarrs

This will not quite catch us up to date on my quarantine adventures. I’m writing this a couple of weeks in advance so unless I can see the future, I can only share what’s come to pass by this point in time.

Day 37 of isolation

A day almost like any other. Some animal crossing. Some Avatar.

Today was different because I played in the dirt. Repotted my succulents and aloe. Pulled dead leaves off my greenery. I’m eagerly awaiting flowers on my rose and bush sized impatiens. Both have been pretty heavily trimmed down so it could be awhile. But they both usually bloom for me all through the spring and summer. It was nice to get my hands dirty.

Day 38 of isolation

Time slipped away from me and I had a false memory of already writing this, so I’m a bit late. This is Friday’s record.

Today was the first of many Fancy Fridays. I encouraged those of us living in isolation and depression and fear to break out the special occasion niceties like fancy dresses, grandma’s china, and that bath bomb you’ve been saving and make Friday the special occasion that never comes. All as a means of increasing serotonin production.

I had a handful of participants this week. I’m hoping for even more next week!

Today was Iris’s 21st birthday. We don’t really drink much in my household on account of alcohol being triggering for me. But we did have something put away to celebrate.

Today was also me and my wife’s 17th anniversary, though the first celebrated as a lesbian couple.

There was much to celebrate all around!

Day 39 of isolation

I think I’m writing these early the next day now. Which does allow me to reflect on the entirety of the day in question.

I made blueberry bread today out of what was supposed to be muffin mix. It needed a few more minutes in the oven than what I gave it, but the stick came out clean in the couple of pokes I gave it so I couldn’t have easily known. I did bake it longer than the muffins were supposed to bake. I knew that much. Oh well it was still tasty.

I’m reading a book on BPD as an academic pursuit. I’ve read a lot on BPD in the past, but never a book by psychologists written for other psychologists. I’m on a quest for self-discovery. (I guess I should remind/inform those who don’t know, that I have BPD.) I’m also trying to make up for a lack of ability of going to DBT, which would be helpful right now for reasons beyond the pandemic. The books I’m reading are Marsha Linehan’s books on how to run a DBT program. I’m hoping that by combining my psych degree, the fact that I’ve sat through many DBT programs, and these books I can sort of jog my memory and start applying the skills and such on my own. Either way, this current book I’m on is very insightful in ways I don’t wish to discuss on tumblr. I have a mental health blog elsewhere for that.

The weather was really nice so I dragged an old comforter outside and read under the tree out back while the kids played. It was nice!

Day 40 of Isolation

Fuck.  They say it takes like a month to build a habit.  But we’re over a month in and this is falling apart.

But honestly, it’s not that I’m forgetting.  There are just fewer and fewer unique things to blog about because I’ve already done all the new things.  Day 40 was utterly ununique.

Day 41 of isolation

Why for the love of the gods is my family expecting me to keep track of such stupid things such as how many kickstarts I’ve had today?  I am but a loveable but dumb orange ginger cat.  I can’t be expected to know how to count.  Especially not when the days and kickstarts are running together.

Day 42 of isolation

Found no answers

I was up until almost 6 am last night. Slept until almost 1 pm and not well. Today threatened to be a wash on the productivity front. But I somehow turned into a super adult.

My first bit of money from unemployment hit and it had back pay. So we’re set financially for the next month with more on the way to add to it. We were also able to get some things for the house and for entertainment as the days dragged on. We bought a copy of exploding kittens which will be here Thursday. I’m looking forward to playing that with Sammy.

I also did some super responsible financial-based adulting and earned at least 100 adult points. I’ll spare the details but I made managing my budget 10 times easier in a way that will help my credit score. So that’s good.

I also tried to watch my Netflix DVD of the week but the disk was poorly formatted and I had just about reached the climax when suddenly I couldn’t get it to play the end. A replacement is incoming. I’m feeling emotions about this. Patience isn’t one of them.

Today was overall a success though, I think.

Day 43 of isolation

The game Exploding Kittens will start wars and can heighten the quarantine experience…  I’m not stuck in here with them… they’re stuck in here with me! Adding Unstable Unicorns to the mix very soon. A house simply isn’t a home if it’s not an active war zone.

Day 44 of isolation

I was awake for about 3 hours total.

Day 45 of isolation

Today I became a proper sword lesbian.

Day 46 of isolation

The game Unstable Unicorns delivered. I learned the hard way not to play card games with the 12yo after his meds have worn off. This is not the type of war I signed up for!

Day 47 of isolation

We gave the 8yo a used 3DS and her own copy of Animal Crossing New Leaf earlier this week as a super early birthday present. She turns 9 at the end of the summer, but we need her to be able to entertain herself now. She’s loving Animal Crossing, but one of her favorite things is coming over to visit me on my island.

I of course spent a few hours earlier this week buying her cute clothes and some furniture for her house. I’m rich enough in the game that I can spoil her.

I’ve also started playing scrabble go with my friends. I’m about evenly matched with the bulk of my friends so that’s nice. If anyone wants to play me drop into my messages and I’ll see if I can figure out how to find people.

Day 48 of isolation

After spending a solid year talking about buying a hibiscus bush but always talking myself out of it for reasons that just don’t hold, I finally made the purchase. They aren’t even really expensive. While making said purchase, the wife expressed their lifelong desire for a lilac bush, which also isn’t expensive, so I said fuck it and added it to the order.

I’m also being bought those hanging planters and tomato plants grow for Mather’s Day. Which this year will be celebrated in May so that the tomatoes will have plenty of time to grow and fruit.

The need to garden while in quarantine is real and valid.

Day 49 of isolation

Today I did the lord’s work and picked the best version of Hallelujah out of all the versions I could easily find.  Of course, that meant sifting through 23 songs and narrowing it out down.  But, while 23 contestants stood before me, only one won.

In less controversial news, we finished the 8th disc of Avatar: The Last Airbender.  We have what looks like 2 episodes left, but I’m betting at least one of them is a two-parter.  Hopefully, we’ll finish it tomorrow. 

Day 50 of isolation

Today’s 2 episodes were actually 5 episodes, so that was a thing. But we did actually finish Avatar: the Last Airbender. It was really good. In all my time on tumblr and all the ATLA memes, I only had 1.5 portions of the last 4 episodes spoiled and didn’t at all really know how it ended. So it was all unexpected, beyond simply knowing it’s a happy ending. It was really really good!

Day 51 of isolation

The younger kids saw Grandma for the first time in a couple of months. She had some masks for us that she bought from a coworker. It was I brief visit with limited contact, but her house is a safe zone due to my sister, who is 5 years post liver transplant, living there.

Day 52 of isolation

Finally made myself sit down and finish B99 today. Or at least what we have of it so far.

I also almost finished catching up on Ducktales. I have 2 episodes left. The plan is to watch the rest of that tomorrow.

But honestly, having spent the day watching things, it might be a while before I can do that again.

Day 53 of isolation

I gave my feet a spa day. They make these foot mask things that you wear for like an hour and then toy rub all the gunk in. Your feet think about it for a couple of days and then start peeling like crazy. It’s gross, but the end result is healthy and pretty feet. I’m also bored. So why not.

Robin and I had a fight today. Which is hardly news. But this one might have lasting consequences. I don’t really want to talk about it at all except to those I seek out myself. But I suppose if I’m keeping a quarantine diary, I should mark it down.

Day 54 of isolation

Each day is a week long and yet I accomplish nothing.

I’ve also done something horrible to my sleep schedule. I’m repeatedly seeing dawn most mornings. Either because I was up past it, or up before it. It’s like a cycle between sleeping not at all or too damn much and the sunrise is almost always involved. I need to fix this. Mostly because I’m suffering. Otherwise time is fake.

Day 55 of isolation

Today, with guidance from a friend, I finally fixed my bathtub drain. We’ve been fighting it off and on for the entire 6 years we’ve lived here. Maintenance has snaked that drain so many times, just to partially fix it, and then it stops right back up after a couple of months. But today? Today I may well have fixed it for good!

Also, I’m learning about myself that I have a love of writing and mailing letters. Pretty stationery. Fancy stamps. Wax seals. My heart on paper! I just love it!

Day 56 of isolation

It was a few days late, but I got tomato plants for Mather’s Day (spelled like that intentionally since I’m nonbinary and celebrate birth mothers and fathers day as does my wife). Since I’m allergic to any tomatoes that have been preserved we decided me growing my own was the way to go for sauce and salsa. I’m super excited! I love growing plants! These are my first food-based plants and the first of anything I’ve attempted outside.

I also bought a surprise rose bush, which is honestly not really a surprise to anyone. My wife’s response is that they are surprised I only bought one.

Though to be fair, I have a hibiscus bush and lilac bush that’ll be here any day now.

Day 56 was a good day!

Oh! And I took all 4 kids to the park! We walked a trail away from people and played in the creek! It was a good muddy adventure for all!

Day 57 of isolation

The rose is now in the ground. She has good soil, confirmed worms, and blood meal. She should be happy.

The kids attempted to dig a hole to China but got distracted by worms. Each tomato plant got a worm, the rose was given more worms dir her immediate space. And there are now two worm condos made of Mason jars full of soil and leaf litter, with a worm each.

Scheming for some herbs began. Turns out basil in with the tomatoes will help keep bugs that eat the fruit away. And help attract bees.

I was informed with 4 hours to spare that I was in charge of dinner and panicked due to the fact I can’t cook. When I panic I hit default. Which is exactly why we now have enough chicken noodle soup to feed a village. Soup for days!

Day 58 of isolation

Plonts. Lots of plonts. So many plonts. 2 more plonts coming in the mail soon! The hibiscus and lilac shrubbery I ordered some 2 or 3 weeks ago get here on day 59.

I’m super excited about this situation I’ve found myself in.

Day 59 of isolation

The hibiscus and lilac bushes aren’t here yet.

But

To no one’s real surprise my wife caved, with minimal effort on my part, and let me buy the blueberry bush I’ve been eyeing.

Day 60 of isolation

My bushes may never get here.

Have some blueberry flowers for your troubles.

Quarantine Chronicles Part 3

Posted on by kmarrs

This post alone will not catch us up to date, as that’s some 40 days. So I’m going to spread this out a bit.

Day 25 of isolation

Has it really already been 25 days? Did I skip a day? Y’all are going to stone me to death since I know the general consensus is that each day is about a year-long, but time is actually flying for me.

Anyway. Today I’m experimenting with music outside my usual realm of notice. Which… my realm of notice really is rather small. I’ve never really been into music. Something about the audio processing issues mixed with it just being very noisy… it’s hard for me to really understand what I’m hearing enough to actually like it and want to hear it again.

But, today, due to some people I care about having much interest in the band, I’m attempting to discover my opinions of My Chemical Romance. I am doing this by working my way through their albums, one at a time and in order, and listening to each song, also in order, while I read the lyrics. This way I can hear the actual music but also process what’s being said.

I’m also working through the process of allowing myself to feel traumatized by all this, even if no one I know is sick or dying or dead.

I think MCR probably mixes well with the emotional state I’m in. While they go harder and are noisier than I’m usually into, I deeply understand why so many millennials are drawn to their music.

Day 26 of isolation

Ran some errands this morning before most the world was properly awake. Was on the hunt for toilet paper (success) and cleaning supplies (made do).

The family is back at the DnD game.

I found some eggs in ACNL and made a killing off egg furniture with very little gameplay needed. Have a third room for my house in the works.

Otherwise ignored it being Easter. Though it does show the passing of time when days otherwise go by unchecked.

Day 27 of isolation

Baked some peanut butter cookies with Sammy. They were delicious and gone before properly cooled.

Started a 400-page book on Irish history. It caught my attention weeks ago at the library. You know. When public spaces were a thing.

Day 28 of isolation

I’m really tired today.

I wanna say I accomplished nothing because of this, but it would be a lie. I snuggled with the 8yo while we watched today’s 4 ATLA episodes. So I accomplished being a loving mother.

Day 29 of isolation

We got our stimulus check today.  Most of it is going towards bills and rent.  But we put some aside to spend on other things.  I’m using my fun money to help support small businesses.  Bought some trans pride shoes from a small business.  I bought some stamps from the USPS.  Granted, it’s not exactly a small business but it’s not going to survive 2020 if we don’t work together and help in any way we can.  I actually use stamps a lot so all I really did is buy them a little sooner than needed.  But I think I’m going to keep an eye on their offerings and just buy a couple of sheets of interesting stamps regularly whether I’m out or not.

We’re officially done with Book 1 of ATLA and have started book 2.  I guess we’re about 1/3 of the way done with the full series and making steady progress as we knock out 4 episodes a day.

Day 30 of isolation

I kept pretty busy today.

Finished the 4th disk of 9 of Avatar.

Finished season 2 of The Magnus Archives.

Small victories.

Day 31 of isolation

Of all the ways I could have gotten hurt today, you’d think my new knife would be the culprit.  But no.  First I slice my toe open on a piece of a shattered mug that my 8yo knocked off the counter.  After assuring her that there was no reason for me to be mad because I don’t care about the mug, I care that she wasn’t hurt, I set about cleaning it up.  But apparently, I missed a piece and my toe found it.  Then about 20 minutes later I burned my finger while taking the German pancakes out of the oven.  So to recap, I did not hurt myself with my new purble shiny stabby stabby.  But I was attacked by the kitchen to the best of its ability.

Oh.  I made a triple batch of German Pancakes.  Took 18 eggs, but holy shit I forgot how delicious they were.  The idea of using real maple syrup as a topping didn’t pan out.  I need to stick to jelly and powdered sugar.

Finally sat down and watched the 4th Pirates of the Caribean. I couldn’t stream it anywhere so I added the DVD to the top of my Netflix DVD queue.  The fifth and final one is up next in said queue.

I almost refused to leave my bed today.  My stomach was upset and I just wanted to sleep.  But I was well-rested which leaves me restless so ADHD basically dragged me out of bed.

Considering how much my finger hurts (I can’t feel my toe) I think I should have listened to the stay in bed instincts.

Day 32 of isolation

Robin and I had a bad fight last night and cried myself to sleep. Slept in super late today and did nothing beyond basic survival.

Day 33 of isolation

I read the short story “Cinnamon Blade” by Shira Glassman today. It was worth the time!

I am working on solving the mental health issue I have that ties my personal feelings of self-worth to how much I produce.

Those on the spectrum have a harder time producing the way capitalism wants us to, thus we have performance-based anxiety. This is why my biggest mental health obstacle right now is that there literally is nothing for me to produce during this pandemic and thus I don’t understand that I currently have value. So I’m tricking my brain into assigning value to the production of completed media consumption based to-do tasks. But this also means when I’m having a bad mental health day because of something like me and Robin fighting the night before, and I can’t even consume media… I’m back to assigning myself zero value.

At the same time, when any of my friends present with this same problem, I’m the first to argue the worth is inherent from birth just for being alive, and not something you have to produce in the ways capitalism wants you to produce. It’s in fact not tied to production at all! You! All of you! Have worth simply by being alive.

Which is, of course, the exact opposite of what capitalism says. Which is why I have trouble internalizing this message. Which means I understand why others have trouble internalizing this message. But I promise you. Everyone has worth simply by being alive.

Anyway. Day 33 was filled with self reflection.

Day 34 of isolation

I’m a bit late with this but I blame love and my 8yo. I didn’t mean to fall asleep at like 9:30. But she wanted snuggles and was so soft and warm…

A mental health book I’d been waiting for showed up. I’m going to put my psych degree to work and give myself DBT therapy as a means of seeing myself through what is being considered a BPD relapse.

I also had my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. It was my first appointment I haven’t canceled because of the virus. But it was over the phone. It went pretty well.

I’m having stress dreams again.

Day 35 of isolation

Stress dreams are getting bad. So I redid my sleep magic spell bag.

Finished the earth bending book in Avatar.

Duplex across the street and down a bit caught fire. It’s an empty shell. Two families displaced.

Today has been 3 days long

Day 36 of isolation

Watched the 5th and final Pirates of the Caribbean movie today.

I’ve completed 41 media consumption based to-do list items in 36 days. So clearly I’m winning. But am I winning life or the plague?

Or it’s the plague life now?

My favorite flower, the wood violet, for these troubling times.

General Update March 2020

Posted on by kmarrs

I don’t really have anything big and exciting to talk about.

I refuse to spend time discussing the mass hysteria that is Covid 19. Wash your hands. Stay home if sick. Don’t touch your face. Don’t shake hands with others. Minimize the touching of shared spaces. Consider voting blue no matter who since Trump fired the entire pandemic team in 2018. There, it’s discussed. Oh. I will say that so far my household is healthy. And the kids are out of school until at least April 6th. Now it’s discussed.

We’re slowly doing some spring cleaning around the house over the span of March. Hopefully more so now that the kids are home for three weeks.

This past weekend’s project was Sammy and Lucas trading rooms. Lucas had the biggest room in the house, outside of the master bedroom, and utilized about 50% of the provided space. Sammy, meanwhile, who still plays with toys desperately needed storage and thus most of her belongings were on the floor, and really she needed more room in general because even after I bought her storage, there was no place to put it in her room.

So they traded.

That was a lot of work. Two rooms were torn apart and reorganized. Plus, while we were at it, I had them both sort through all their clothes and donate shit that they were just never going to wear, or that didn’t fit. I’ve already hauled 1 load to goodwill and have another load to go since they are still sorting as I wash the 10 loads pulled out of the bottom of various closets. I also hauled a full load of garbage to the dumpsters behind the apartments in our neighborhood. There was just so much stuff beyond saving and it wouldn’t all fit in our bin.

There rooms are back in proper order now, so that has settled. I do have a storage closet in Sammy’s new room that I want to go through. But that can wait. It’s behind a shut door.

My lower back, however, is killing me. Thank goodness for CBD lotion and the tens unit my mom bought me. (School is on lockdown so Thomas and I don’t have access to the weight room. Which is a bummer, but understandable.)

Work is going well. I, unfortunately, missed a full day this past week due to an ear infection. I was put on the proper anti-biotics and by the time I returned to work, they had kicked in and I was feeling much better. Then I missed a few hours Friday because I went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I’m allergic to seasoned fries from Popeye’s. I probably could have suffered through the rest of the workday, but things were very slow with barely any appointments, so I was encouraged to go home and double the Benadryl dose I’d already taken.

Honestly, I think that’s about it for now.

Have a flower in these troubling days

Iris Part 2

Posted on by kmarrs

Iris is all settled in now. It’s been a month since they got here and that time was well spent.

We’re working on the tricky aspects like getting Iris set up with local doctors so there is no lapse in the prescribed medication they take. Luckily I was able to get Iris in with a therapist (who specializes in trans patients, but also prepared to deal with Iris’s trauma) pretty much right away. It helps that I was making calls before we even reached home. The rest will fall into place over the next couple of months. We are very fortunate that Iris’s mom has decided not to cut them off the insurance. We weren’t expecting to be that lucky.

As far as family dynamics go, Iris fits right in. We’ve all just adopted Iris as a member of the family. I now tell people I have 4 kids. That’s just how we roll.

I’m not sure how much more I can say without grossly invading Iris’s right to privacy.

Just know that Iris is love and I’m doing my best to do right by them. It’s a learning experience, all around, and we are learning as we go. But we’ll make it work.

Long term the goal is to get Iris back to college and then eventually out on their own. But I have some parenting to do in the meantime. There were some serious gaps left in Iris’s life education and they are not prepared to adult. But that’s fine. Together Iris will make an amazing adult and a loving member of society.

Anyway, I’m going to end this for now and take the spotlight off them. I’m sure they will come up in posts, just like any of my kids do, but now that’s they are just a daily part of the household, I’m going to let them fade back and just be.

Iris

Posted on by kmarrs

A lot has happened over the course of the past few months and while a better me would aim to discuss it in chronological order, ADHD me knows time isn’t linear and fake, to begin with. So I’ll start with Iris.

On January 6, 2020, I piled into my mother’s car, which would survive the trip better than my own, with my mother, who could function to actually drive the distance, and we started the trip to Iris’s house. That Monday night we stopped at my uncle’s house and started rebuilding a relationship there, all while avoiding the cost of a motel room. The next morning we started out on the second leg of the trip down and made it to our destination by about 8 pm.

Wednesday was the day we went to Iris’s house to pack them up. The original plan involved doing this while their moms were at work. In reality, their biological mom was home, sick and stepmom was quickly called in. Luckily we had advance warning and informed the sheriff’s department beforehand what was going on and had their presence while we got Iris out. All said and done, from the time we pulled up to the time we pulled away, we were there about 35 minutes.

Iris’s moms did not take it well. There was a lot of crying and disbelief that Iris would just up and leave without warning. I’m very proud of Iris though. They showed strength and nerve, despite their anxiety, and had a letter ready to explain why they were leaving (years or abuse).

We traveled a good 30 minutes out of town to a close-by city after getting Iris out. We sort of settled into our motel rooms and rested that afternoon. Then for dinner, we went for some traditional southern food. While I will not share where we would, as a bit to make Iris harder to track down, I will say it was the DEEP south and I refused to leave before sampling the food. No regrets. And I left for a need to have fried pickles make a regular appearance in my life.

Thursday we piled into the car and started the drive back. We spent that night at my uncle’s again. Then Friday we made it home.

It was a lot of time spent crammed in a car, all said and done in 5 days. I’m kind of amazed I survived.

I will say I could have not done this 5 years ago. My pain is much better managed now and mom was willing to stop as often as needed. Plus I know some tricks like the pillow behind the back and the existence of Tiger Balm.

Anyway, there is more to share about Iris. But I’ll continue next week as this week’s post is getting fairly long.

Bling

Posted on by kmarrs

These are for when I’m feeling super fancy and special occasions. They are amazing and I love them but I can’t wear them all the time because of how they sit. They touch my cheek and no amount of adjusting can fix that. But that’s ok because I also have:

These lovely glasses sit exactly how I need them too. So when I’m feeling less flashy or just can’t have glasses touching my cheeks, these are ready to go!

I honestly love them both equally. They serve different needs based on how flashy I want to be.

Both are transitions and block blue light so both meet those needs. It really just comes down to my mood and outfit.

I’m also going to see if I can get new lenses for my old glasses, or take my new script to my old eye doctor I bought the old ones from and have CareSource pay for a new pair. We’ll see.

They were black and pink and I really loved them too.