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Just So Fucking Tired

The trouble isn’t that I’m not smart.  I’ve tested for MENSA.  I just barely didn’t qualify.  I’m in the top 2%, not 1%.  I graduated Summa Cum Laude.  I’m capable of both math and writing.  I’m fully capable.  I have so much potential. 

The problem is for 4 years now, my brain has not consistently been getting the blood and oxygen that it needs to function.  Take normal neurodivergent forgetfulness and magnify it.  I can’t even info dump on my special interests because I can’t retain the knowledge.  I lose everyday words all the time.  I’ve forgotten how to do the math that I did for 20 hours a week for 3 years while working in the maths department.  My spelling is worse than usual because I can no longer see how words go together.

Tumblr jokes about having only one brain cell, but I’m watching in real-time as lack of oxygen kills mine off.  At least that is how it feels.  That is how it seems.

And if I didn’t have the potential I have, maybe I wouldn’t notice it as much.  But I’m watching myself just get dumber and dumber.  At least that’s how it feels.  And it’s painful. 

They say it takes 4 years for your brain to recover from sustained blood loss.  But I can’t keep blood in my body long enough for my brain to recover.  So it just gets worse and worse.  And I feel… some things are worse than death.  Not being dumb itself, that’s fine.  But watching my potential and the dreams I had based on it burn away from a consistent lack of oxygen.

And my doctor, the specializes in blood (the title escaped me, you’ll have to excuse me) just has zero interest in figuring out why I suddenly stopped making my own blood 4 years ago.  I got regular yearly blood work up to that point.  I wasn’t anemic.  And then suddenly I had half as much blood in me as I was supposed to and that was all she wrote.  I’ve been severely anemic ever since.  I took mass quantities of iron as a supplement.  My body just flushed it.  The only thing that forces my body to make blood is a regular iron infusion.  Sometimes, even then, I still need a blood transfusion.

My friend Joy taught me to have my B12 levels checked.  Mine is checked 4-12 times a year.  I take mass quantities of B12 anyway because maybe I have the motherfucker gene and my body needs more than it should.  It helps a little, but it can’t keep up.  My blood doctor refuses to test for anything.  He just keeps ordering iron infusions and blood transfusions as if that’s to be the end-all solution for the rest of my life.

And I’m so tired.  I’m so fucking tired.

I had a potentially life-altering realization over the weekend that would explain like a million things at once, but would also mean I’m dying in a, there is no saving me sort of way, and it was almost a relief.  Because while I’m not suicidal, I can’t keep living like this. 

I’ll talk more about the realization later once some tests are run.  Because I don’t want to alarm people prematurely.  It’s probably nothing.  I’m probably no more dying than usual, considering I do keep almost dying anyway.  This post isn’t about that thing.  I’m more illustrating, by alluding to it, just how tired I am.

I’m just so fucking tired.  So fucking tired.

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