Archive for June, 2020

Life Goals

Posted June 29, 2020 By kmarrs

I’ve been doing some soul searching and big decision making. The easiest way to share this is to copy/paste a couple of Facebook posts that are about a week and a half apart.

First, some background. Sammy was playing outside barefoot and stepped on something that cut her foot open right between her toes. The cut was superficial, but with where it was located, there was a lot of blood. More than a band aid could handle so the next best bet was a lot of gauze and some tape. Only, I didn’t have any tape and only had just enough gauze. Anyway, I made do with what I had, and then started the quest of building a proper first aid kit. I had a lot of input from a lot of people as to what should go into it, and actually built two: one for the car and one for the house. I could have called it done, but the process ignited something in me. Something that realized I needed to learn how to properly use some of the things I had.

“I want to take an EMT course. I don’t want to be an EMT but I want the EMT certificate so I’m prepared for anything my kids throw at me. It’d also mean I could be a street medic at things like Pride. Finally it’d look really good on my resumé and grad school apps. The single class I need for the official certificate is 1120$ for the 7 credit hour class, plus there is a test which probably costs a few hundred. If I throw a tax return at this, this is doable. By this time 2021 I could be a fully certified EMT. (Which isn’t the same as a paramedic. Though this is the first step if I wanted to go further. I don’t.)”

I lived with that dream for about 9 days. 9 days full of soul searching.

“Wanna hear my new life plan?

So the old plan was masters then doctorate then diagnosing especially women with ADHD and autism because the system is failing them. But. I’m old, tired, neurodivergent, and in over 60k worth of debt just from the first degree. Plus the system is realizing they are failing women and it’s no longer an, “if I don’t do it no one will,” situation. By the time I get my doctorate, I’ll be late to the game. Am I capable of getting my doctorate? Yes. But at what cost? Plus to get accommodations I’d need to be officially diagnosed. And well, that affects my ability to work in the field.

Anyway.

I really want to get this EMT certificate. I really want this. So I was thinking. What if I got it like planned next summer, and then contact the official PRIDE scene in Columbus and ask them if they have a use for me? If it’s just a voluntary position, I work some 9-5 and volunteer on the side. If they have a paid position, they become my 9-5 or whatever. My 9-5 can stay whatever I find next for the coming year. Or maybe I get the cert and work EMS elsewhere but not for the city. I don’t want to be a paramedic or city-based EMT. But I could work at like the zoo or something, for all I care. If I need a day job that’s not the pride scene I can do even a random office job. Then volunteer with the pride scene.

Robin is supportive as long as I’m getting a paycheck from someone. Though she is concerned I need to work on my upper body strength. I’m surprisingly strong, but I welcome the excuse to join the community center gym and lift. Also, building upper body strength will help with back pain and breast support. But I want to be buff. Just super jacked. Men fear me. Women loving women flock to me. The lesbian dream!”

Anyway, no matter what I need to find at least a temp job for the coming year or more. No matter what, I want to get my EMT certification. And I really like the idea of using that certification to help the PRIDE scene here locally. Even if that isn’t my actual career, it can still be my passion project.

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Lucas has always had a thing for birds. So when he mentioned wanting a bird feeder, I did my job.

We offer 3 suet cakes, a tray of mealworms, black oil sunflower seeds, peanuts, and a regular seed mixture. Plus water.

It goes from mostly-completely full, to almost completely empty in about 24 hours.

So we diligently go out and refill it every day. This adds up cost-wise, but we are able to do so much bird watching and my Lucas is thrilled!

Rachel bought him a really nice pair of binoculars from a thrift store, and my dad cleaned them up real nice. I bought him a Bird’s of Ohio field guide so we can all identify what we see.

I’m buying bulk seed and mealworms from the Tractor Supply store, which is really the only way to buy seed. The suet cakes you can find anywhere for about $1.00-1.50 each. This adds up, but I can buy them here and there even just from the grocery store. The peanuts (raw and unsalted) disappear fast, but I can also buy those from the grocery store. Though I do want a source to buy them in bulk. It’s probably much cheaper that way. Anyway, we’re doing our best to manage the costs, as it is worth it. However, if anyone would like to kick some cash towards Lucas and his birds, here is my Paypal.

I’m going to be honest, this is Luke’s special interest, but most of us are enjoying it! As far as I’m concerned we’re going to maintain this year-round as long as we live here and probably at our next home too.

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Friendship

Posted June 15, 2020 By kmarrs

My memory is poor, so I don’t really have many fond memories of my ex best friend from high school. I remember when Luke was like 2yo, taking the boys to the zoo and pulling them around in the wagon I bought for that exact purpose. Only, that trip I guess Thomas mostly walked since he would have been around 6. And Lucas spread himself out in the wagon and passed the fuck out. He napped for a solid 2 hours or so in that wagon while we pulled him around the zoo.

I remember this because I just took the littles to the zoo. It finally opened back up this weekend for members only. You have to make reservations in advance since they are only letting so many people in at a time, but I made them well in advance. So I’ve been reflecting on the many happy zoo memories.

Another clear memory of her is her blatant ableism. Like how she refused to be seen with me in public in February with me wearing flip flops. Even though at that moment I literally could not wear any other shoes. I did not hang out with her that day and have actually not spoken to her since.

I guess that made her mad?

Because a few years later she tried to steal my then husband (now wife) and my kids from me. She always did covet the family I had. So the minute my relationship went south, she swooped in. I don’t blame Robin from sleeping with her. We were separated and she’s always had a crush on her. But she had no interest in being casual. She was in it for the family. And when Robin and I got back together she was furious. Which says a lot about her since she’s Catholic and doesn’t believe in divorce. Usually.

I’ve had an attempt at a best friend between now and then in Clyde. But he was toxic and I got out when that became apparent. We’ve been in and out of casual contact since. But nothing lasting. What can I say, we met in a joint class. We were teammates on a group project. The first that degree ever gave me. We then, a few years later, ran into each other in a different class. I think if I ran into him again, we could be civil. Stand and chat. Or email for a few days. But it wouldn’t be anything deep or lasting. That friendship was too toxic.

I’ve had a few toxic friendships. Hell, at times my relationship with Robin is toxic. This isn’t some huge revelation. It’s common knowledge we’ve been separated twice.

BPD makes it hard to maintain relationships.

Being neurodivergent makes starting relationships hard.

Also, I don’t see myself as worth much, so I don’t immediately bulk at being treated poorly.

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Quarantine Chronicles Part 4

Posted June 8, 2020 By kmarrs

This will not quite catch us up to date on my quarantine adventures. I’m writing this a couple of weeks in advance so unless I can see the future, I can only share what’s come to pass by this point in time.

Day 37 of isolation

A day almost like any other. Some animal crossing. Some Avatar.

Today was different because I played in the dirt. Repotted my succulents and aloe. Pulled dead leaves off my greenery. I’m eagerly awaiting flowers on my rose and bush sized impatiens. Both have been pretty heavily trimmed down so it could be awhile. But they both usually bloom for me all through the spring and summer. It was nice to get my hands dirty.

Day 38 of isolation

Time slipped away from me and I had a false memory of already writing this, so I’m a bit late. This is Friday’s record.

Today was the first of many Fancy Fridays. I encouraged those of us living in isolation and depression and fear to break out the special occasion niceties like fancy dresses, grandma’s china, and that bath bomb you’ve been saving and make Friday the special occasion that never comes. All as a means of increasing serotonin production.

I had a handful of participants this week. I’m hoping for even more next week!

Today was Iris’s 21st birthday. We don’t really drink much in my household on account of alcohol being triggering for me. But we did have something put away to celebrate.

Today was also me and my wife’s 17th anniversary, though the first celebrated as a lesbian couple.

There was much to celebrate all around!

Day 39 of isolation

I think I’m writing these early the next day now. Which does allow me to reflect on the entirety of the day in question.

I made blueberry bread today out of what was supposed to be muffin mix. It needed a few more minutes in the oven than what I gave it, but the stick came out clean in the couple of pokes I gave it so I couldn’t have easily known. I did bake it longer than the muffins were supposed to bake. I knew that much. Oh well it was still tasty.

I’m reading a book on BPD as an academic pursuit. I’ve read a lot on BPD in the past, but never a book by psychologists written for other psychologists. I’m on a quest for self-discovery. (I guess I should remind/inform those who don’t know, that I have BPD.) I’m also trying to make up for a lack of ability of going to DBT, which would be helpful right now for reasons beyond the pandemic. The books I’m reading are Marsha Linehan’s books on how to run a DBT program. I’m hoping that by combining my psych degree, the fact that I’ve sat through many DBT programs, and these books I can sort of jog my memory and start applying the skills and such on my own. Either way, this current book I’m on is very insightful in ways I don’t wish to discuss on tumblr. I have a mental health blog elsewhere for that.

The weather was really nice so I dragged an old comforter outside and read under the tree out back while the kids played. It was nice!

Day 40 of Isolation

Fuck.  They say it takes like a month to build a habit.  But we’re over a month in and this is falling apart.

But honestly, it’s not that I’m forgetting.  There are just fewer and fewer unique things to blog about because I’ve already done all the new things.  Day 40 was utterly ununique.

Day 41 of isolation

Why for the love of the gods is my family expecting me to keep track of such stupid things such as how many kickstarts I’ve had today?  I am but a loveable but dumb orange ginger cat.  I can’t be expected to know how to count.  Especially not when the days and kickstarts are running together.

Day 42 of isolation

Found no answers

I was up until almost 6 am last night. Slept until almost 1 pm and not well. Today threatened to be a wash on the productivity front. But I somehow turned into a super adult.

My first bit of money from unemployment hit and it had back pay. So we’re set financially for the next month with more on the way to add to it. We were also able to get some things for the house and for entertainment as the days dragged on. We bought a copy of exploding kittens which will be here Thursday. I’m looking forward to playing that with Sammy.

I also did some super responsible financial-based adulting and earned at least 100 adult points. I’ll spare the details but I made managing my budget 10 times easier in a way that will help my credit score. So that’s good.

I also tried to watch my Netflix DVD of the week but the disk was poorly formatted and I had just about reached the climax when suddenly I couldn’t get it to play the end. A replacement is incoming. I’m feeling emotions about this. Patience isn’t one of them.

Today was overall a success though, I think.

Day 43 of isolation

The game Exploding Kittens will start wars and can heighten the quarantine experience…  I’m not stuck in here with them… they’re stuck in here with me! Adding Unstable Unicorns to the mix very soon. A house simply isn’t a home if it’s not an active war zone.

Day 44 of isolation

I was awake for about 3 hours total.

Day 45 of isolation

Today I became a proper sword lesbian.

Day 46 of isolation

The game Unstable Unicorns delivered. I learned the hard way not to play card games with the 12yo after his meds have worn off. This is not the type of war I signed up for!

Day 47 of isolation

We gave the 8yo a used 3DS and her own copy of Animal Crossing New Leaf earlier this week as a super early birthday present. She turns 9 at the end of the summer, but we need her to be able to entertain herself now. She’s loving Animal Crossing, but one of her favorite things is coming over to visit me on my island.

I of course spent a few hours earlier this week buying her cute clothes and some furniture for her house. I’m rich enough in the game that I can spoil her.

I’ve also started playing scrabble go with my friends. I’m about evenly matched with the bulk of my friends so that’s nice. If anyone wants to play me drop into my messages and I’ll see if I can figure out how to find people.

Day 48 of isolation

After spending a solid year talking about buying a hibiscus bush but always talking myself out of it for reasons that just don’t hold, I finally made the purchase. They aren’t even really expensive. While making said purchase, the wife expressed their lifelong desire for a lilac bush, which also isn’t expensive, so I said fuck it and added it to the order.

I’m also being bought those hanging planters and tomato plants grow for Mather’s Day. Which this year will be celebrated in May so that the tomatoes will have plenty of time to grow and fruit.

The need to garden while in quarantine is real and valid.

Day 49 of isolation

Today I did the lord’s work and picked the best version of Hallelujah out of all the versions I could easily find.  Of course, that meant sifting through 23 songs and narrowing it out down.  But, while 23 contestants stood before me, only one won.

In less controversial news, we finished the 8th disc of Avatar: The Last Airbender.  We have what looks like 2 episodes left, but I’m betting at least one of them is a two-parter.  Hopefully, we’ll finish it tomorrow. 

Day 50 of isolation

Today’s 2 episodes were actually 5 episodes, so that was a thing. But we did actually finish Avatar: the Last Airbender. It was really good. In all my time on tumblr and all the ATLA memes, I only had 1.5 portions of the last 4 episodes spoiled and didn’t at all really know how it ended. So it was all unexpected, beyond simply knowing it’s a happy ending. It was really really good!

Day 51 of isolation

The younger kids saw Grandma for the first time in a couple of months. She had some masks for us that she bought from a coworker. It was I brief visit with limited contact, but her house is a safe zone due to my sister, who is 5 years post liver transplant, living there.

Day 52 of isolation

Finally made myself sit down and finish B99 today. Or at least what we have of it so far.

I also almost finished catching up on Ducktales. I have 2 episodes left. The plan is to watch the rest of that tomorrow.

But honestly, having spent the day watching things, it might be a while before I can do that again.

Day 53 of isolation

I gave my feet a spa day. They make these foot mask things that you wear for like an hour and then toy rub all the gunk in. Your feet think about it for a couple of days and then start peeling like crazy. It’s gross, but the end result is healthy and pretty feet. I’m also bored. So why not.

Robin and I had a fight today. Which is hardly news. But this one might have lasting consequences. I don’t really want to talk about it at all except to those I seek out myself. But I suppose if I’m keeping a quarantine diary, I should mark it down.

Day 54 of isolation

Each day is a week long and yet I accomplish nothing.

I’ve also done something horrible to my sleep schedule. I’m repeatedly seeing dawn most mornings. Either because I was up past it, or up before it. It’s like a cycle between sleeping not at all or too damn much and the sunrise is almost always involved. I need to fix this. Mostly because I’m suffering. Otherwise time is fake.

Day 55 of isolation

Today, with guidance from a friend, I finally fixed my bathtub drain. We’ve been fighting it off and on for the entire 6 years we’ve lived here. Maintenance has snaked that drain so many times, just to partially fix it, and then it stops right back up after a couple of months. But today? Today I may well have fixed it for good!

Also, I’m learning about myself that I have a love of writing and mailing letters. Pretty stationery. Fancy stamps. Wax seals. My heart on paper! I just love it!

Day 56 of isolation

It was a few days late, but I got tomato plants for Mather’s Day (spelled like that intentionally since I’m nonbinary and celebrate birth mothers and fathers day as does my wife). Since I’m allergic to any tomatoes that have been preserved we decided me growing my own was the way to go for sauce and salsa. I’m super excited! I love growing plants! These are my first food-based plants and the first of anything I’ve attempted outside.

I also bought a surprise rose bush, which is honestly not really a surprise to anyone. My wife’s response is that they are surprised I only bought one.

Though to be fair, I have a hibiscus bush and lilac bush that’ll be here any day now.

Day 56 was a good day!

Oh! And I took all 4 kids to the park! We walked a trail away from people and played in the creek! It was a good muddy adventure for all!

Day 57 of isolation

The rose is now in the ground. She has good soil, confirmed worms, and blood meal. She should be happy.

The kids attempted to dig a hole to China but got distracted by worms. Each tomato plant got a worm, the rose was given more worms dir her immediate space. And there are now two worm condos made of Mason jars full of soil and leaf litter, with a worm each.

Scheming for some herbs began. Turns out basil in with the tomatoes will help keep bugs that eat the fruit away. And help attract bees.

I was informed with 4 hours to spare that I was in charge of dinner and panicked due to the fact I can’t cook. When I panic I hit default. Which is exactly why we now have enough chicken noodle soup to feed a village. Soup for days!

Day 58 of isolation

Plonts. Lots of plonts. So many plonts. 2 more plonts coming in the mail soon! The hibiscus and lilac shrubbery I ordered some 2 or 3 weeks ago get here on day 59.

I’m super excited about this situation I’ve found myself in.

Day 59 of isolation

The hibiscus and lilac bushes aren’t here yet.

But

To no one’s real surprise my wife caved, with minimal effort on my part, and let me buy the blueberry bush I’ve been eyeing.

Day 60 of isolation

My bushes may never get here.

Have some blueberry flowers for your troubles.
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White supremacists like to argue that Martin Luther King Jr was a peaceful protester. They like to argue that he would never condone the violence and rioting of the Black Lives Matter movement. Well, I’d like to point out a few things.

First, these protests are intending to be peaceful. People are gathering with signs and a voice, begging to be heard. Their message is one of equality. They are not second class citizens, but they are being treated as such. They want the violence against them to stop and are peacefully asking for just that. So where is the violence coming from? In many cases, it’s undercover police officers looking to turn the peaceful protests into riots so that the force has an excuse to inflict violence on the protesters and take as many of them as possible to jail. You can read about that here. And please don’t forget the influence of white supremacists, which you can read about here.

But let’s go ahead and take a look at MLK Jr. Yes, he did preach peace. Right up until the FBI shot him in the head because his message wasn’t good for America.

So what I’m seeing here is that you want more dreams, but are offering bullets in return.

And don’t come at me about how the bullets are rubber. They are real bullets coated in rubber and multiple first-hand accounts (use google or twitter) are making it clear that the police who are at these protests are aiming for the face and the eyes. It doesn’t really matter what kind of bullet is being used when you are hit in the eyeball by one.

My stance

We all know I’m white so I will not speak for the demands of the people of color under threat by the racism in this country. But as a white person who cares and wants to be an ally it is my duty to callout other whites I see spewing bullshit, hatred, and violence. It is my job to hold other whites accountable for their words and actions.

If I was able to (and I was held back in every way that could literally mean) I’d be on the front lines of the Columbus protests doing my best to use my whiteness and assumed femininity to physically stand between the police and those who are vulnerable, as a human shield. That said, I’m not the first white “woman” to have this thought. In response, first hand reports that filtered back made it clear that the police where specifically targeting white women to insight rage and violence in black men.

Yet clearly the protesters were the problem. /S

I have many more things to say on this but I’m far too angry to continue to be coherent. So I’ll leave on this one final thought.

I have chosen a hill to die on and that hill is wide spread equality to everyone.

But, what’s the point of selecting a hill to die on, if you aren’t, in fact, willing to die?

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Quarantine Chronicles Part 3

Posted June 1, 2020 By kmarrs

This post alone will not catch us up to date, as that’s some 40 days. So I’m going to spread this out a bit.

Day 25 of isolation

Has it really already been 25 days? Did I skip a day? Y’all are going to stone me to death since I know the general consensus is that each day is about a year-long, but time is actually flying for me.

Anyway. Today I’m experimenting with music outside my usual realm of notice. Which… my realm of notice really is rather small. I’ve never really been into music. Something about the audio processing issues mixed with it just being very noisy… it’s hard for me to really understand what I’m hearing enough to actually like it and want to hear it again.

But, today, due to some people I care about having much interest in the band, I’m attempting to discover my opinions of My Chemical Romance. I am doing this by working my way through their albums, one at a time and in order, and listening to each song, also in order, while I read the lyrics. This way I can hear the actual music but also process what’s being said.

I’m also working through the process of allowing myself to feel traumatized by all this, even if no one I know is sick or dying or dead.

I think MCR probably mixes well with the emotional state I’m in. While they go harder and are noisier than I’m usually into, I deeply understand why so many millennials are drawn to their music.

Day 26 of isolation

Ran some errands this morning before most the world was properly awake. Was on the hunt for toilet paper (success) and cleaning supplies (made do).

The family is back at the DnD game.

I found some eggs in ACNL and made a killing off egg furniture with very little gameplay needed. Have a third room for my house in the works.

Otherwise ignored it being Easter. Though it does show the passing of time when days otherwise go by unchecked.

Day 27 of isolation

Baked some peanut butter cookies with Sammy. They were delicious and gone before properly cooled.

Started a 400-page book on Irish history. It caught my attention weeks ago at the library. You know. When public spaces were a thing.

Day 28 of isolation

I’m really tired today.

I wanna say I accomplished nothing because of this, but it would be a lie. I snuggled with the 8yo while we watched today’s 4 ATLA episodes. So I accomplished being a loving mother.

Day 29 of isolation

We got our stimulus check today.  Most of it is going towards bills and rent.  But we put some aside to spend on other things.  I’m using my fun money to help support small businesses.  Bought some trans pride shoes from a small business.  I bought some stamps from the USPS.  Granted, it’s not exactly a small business but it’s not going to survive 2020 if we don’t work together and help in any way we can.  I actually use stamps a lot so all I really did is buy them a little sooner than needed.  But I think I’m going to keep an eye on their offerings and just buy a couple of sheets of interesting stamps regularly whether I’m out or not.

We’re officially done with Book 1 of ATLA and have started book 2.  I guess we’re about 1/3 of the way done with the full series and making steady progress as we knock out 4 episodes a day.

Day 30 of isolation

I kept pretty busy today.

Finished the 4th disk of 9 of Avatar.

Finished season 2 of The Magnus Archives.

Small victories.

Day 31 of isolation

Of all the ways I could have gotten hurt today, you’d think my new knife would be the culprit.  But no.  First I slice my toe open on a piece of a shattered mug that my 8yo knocked off the counter.  After assuring her that there was no reason for me to be mad because I don’t care about the mug, I care that she wasn’t hurt, I set about cleaning it up.  But apparently, I missed a piece and my toe found it.  Then about 20 minutes later I burned my finger while taking the German pancakes out of the oven.  So to recap, I did not hurt myself with my new purble shiny stabby stabby.  But I was attacked by the kitchen to the best of its ability.

Oh.  I made a triple batch of German Pancakes.  Took 18 eggs, but holy shit I forgot how delicious they were.  The idea of using real maple syrup as a topping didn’t pan out.  I need to stick to jelly and powdered sugar.

Finally sat down and watched the 4th Pirates of the Caribean. I couldn’t stream it anywhere so I added the DVD to the top of my Netflix DVD queue.  The fifth and final one is up next in said queue.

I almost refused to leave my bed today.  My stomach was upset and I just wanted to sleep.  But I was well-rested which leaves me restless so ADHD basically dragged me out of bed.

Considering how much my finger hurts (I can’t feel my toe) I think I should have listened to the stay in bed instincts.

Day 32 of isolation

Robin and I had a bad fight last night and cried myself to sleep. Slept in super late today and did nothing beyond basic survival.

Day 33 of isolation

I read the short story “Cinnamon Blade” by Shira Glassman today. It was worth the time!

I am working on solving the mental health issue I have that ties my personal feelings of self-worth to how much I produce.

Those on the spectrum have a harder time producing the way capitalism wants us to, thus we have performance-based anxiety. This is why my biggest mental health obstacle right now is that there literally is nothing for me to produce during this pandemic and thus I don’t understand that I currently have value. So I’m tricking my brain into assigning value to the production of completed media consumption based to-do tasks. But this also means when I’m having a bad mental health day because of something like me and Robin fighting the night before, and I can’t even consume media… I’m back to assigning myself zero value.

At the same time, when any of my friends present with this same problem, I’m the first to argue the worth is inherent from birth just for being alive, and not something you have to produce in the ways capitalism wants you to produce. It’s in fact not tied to production at all! You! All of you! Have worth simply by being alive.

Which is, of course, the exact opposite of what capitalism says. Which is why I have trouble internalizing this message. Which means I understand why others have trouble internalizing this message. But I promise you. Everyone has worth simply by being alive.

Anyway. Day 33 was filled with self reflection.

Day 34 of isolation

I’m a bit late with this but I blame love and my 8yo. I didn’t mean to fall asleep at like 9:30. But she wanted snuggles and was so soft and warm…

A mental health book I’d been waiting for showed up. I’m going to put my psych degree to work and give myself DBT therapy as a means of seeing myself through what is being considered a BPD relapse.

I also had my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. It was my first appointment I haven’t canceled because of the virus. But it was over the phone. It went pretty well.

I’m having stress dreams again.

Day 35 of isolation

Stress dreams are getting bad. So I redid my sleep magic spell bag.

Finished the earth bending book in Avatar.

Duplex across the street and down a bit caught fire. It’s an empty shell. Two families displaced.

Today has been 3 days long

Day 36 of isolation

Watched the 5th and final Pirates of the Caribbean movie today.

I’ve completed 41 media consumption based to-do list items in 36 days. So clearly I’m winning. But am I winning life or the plague?

Or it’s the plague life now?

My favorite flower, the wood violet, for these troubling times.
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