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Isolation Part 1

Borderline Personality Disorder and FriendshipMaybe my story is a story of loneliness. I guess maybe that’s always been my story; one of deep isolation. I don’t know if I’m really that hard to be around, or just too awkward to make friends.

You’ll recall that recently I lost my closest friend due to a slight disagreement on the value of black people. Now my story may be of isolation, but it’s also one of tolerance. I find value in all human beings equally no matter what. Actions of the individual alone are what change the acceptance for that individual. Basically love, or at least tolerate, and be loved in return. Harm none and find your spot in my heart.

It’s a wonder I have no friends.

This leaves me with, aside for a few random acquaintances, Dez and Sarah, my two lovely and beautiful lesbian friends. I point out lesbian because they are a couple and basically come as a set. Which is twice as much win, so I’m not complaining. This duo or complete set shows up at my door once a month and we have a dinner party. Sometimes the theme is fancy party, sometimes it’s pajamas and pizza, but it’s always themed and it’s always great fun.

Dez and Sarah are great friends, but they are basically once a month friends. Unless something major comes up, I only really talk to them once a month at the dinner parties and not much in between unless we’re determining theme or date, which is fine. They are perfect for this and I love my monthly catch up with the girls.

But they are it. They are all I have. And being all I have, they are not enough. I’m left with 29-30 other days of the month in isolation. No one. Nothing. Alone.

To Be Continued

2 Comments

  1. Ping from Her grawlixness:

    Me too (more or less), & I’m certified recovered (for real, it does happen–after LOADS of rough & dirty work)…so it ain’t that.
    (Tl/dr=cuz-a ur so smaht & vurrry therapized…but ur not alone)

    I think it’s that I a) don’t have a lot in common with people in my area* and probably the general population**; and b) I might be a little selective about close friends. Not that I judge people (I actually tend to empathize to a fault), it’s just that so many other people feel like they’re a different frikkin species, and just trying to connect is exhausting–nevvuhmind the a-hole drama queens, toppers, and miscellaneous energy vampires.
    Plus, I just cannot suffer fools with any grace. Category: “fools” includes, but is not limited to: abusers, bigots, backstabbers, gossips, racists, and meanies.
    And I just can’t put up with constant random-sourced BULLSH from people who don’t give enough of a fuck to spend a couple seconds on honest self-reflection and maybe stifle their bitch-holes for a moment.
    I have invested FAR TOO MUCH in my mental health to have it jeopardized by a bunch of douchecanoes. And dollars to donuts, that last boundary is what has cost me the most friends. Not that I’m not ~friendly~ with those people, I just know what I can expect from them, and it is not what I personally define as true friendship, with all the bells and whistles (emotional connection, safe disagreements, common interests, &c).
    But the peoples? I have the loves for them all…I get where their emotional impulses arise from, I feel for their struggles…I just can’t fucking deal with their actions. It messes with my battle to believe that people are, in the midst of being giant flawed messes, basically good. Maybe. Probably. Hopefully.

    You’re not alone, Karen. If you’re lonely on top of your mountain and the view just doesn’t do it for you at the moment, turn your head…there’s someone in the distance on the next mountain :) *waves*

    *ever watch sesame street? remember the “who are the people in your neighborhood” song? A racist is a person in ur neighborhood, in ur neighborhood, in ur neigh! bor! hood!! And I don’t live in or conveniently near enough to a haven of cultural diversity, so it’s mainly soccer moms, PTA facists, & library winos. *sigh*
    **I think this has a lot to do with intelligence & upbringing, which influence people’s interests. Hard to talk with folks about things they don’t know about or understand enough to discuss (or pay attention when you explain). And I’m not interested in celebrity gossip or reality TV, so…crickets, basically.

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