This has some controversy. I told my mom about this and it felt like she was ready to disown me. I think she is settling into it some. All I can ask her for is support, if not understanding. She doesn’t have to agree.
Neither do you.
With BPD comes black and white thinking. You know this, yes? Everything thing and person of importance is either white (good, without flaw) or black (evil, there is no good). Things can start as one and become the other. Things can bounce back and forward. But seeing something as grey is nearly impossible. We just have trouble reconciling that really good people make mistakes and no one is perfect, for example. We are, all of us, flawed.
Patrick is my only grey.
But there is something exciting about those new white knights. They show up on their gallant steeds. They’re nice to me, flirt with me, make me want to let them make me happy. The excitement of new love blinding me to my Grey Knight, my one truest love.
Pat and I have a lot of issues. We’ve worked through many of them and with some counseling we’ll find and then work through the rest. In a world where things are black and white, I need the stability of my grey. The person whom never judges me, never tires of me, never loses patience with me, loves me for who I am, and really sees me.
The biggest threat from him is the threat to leave. This has been hashed out.
The biggest threat from me is my white knights. This too has been hashed out.
Right now we’ll continue to live apart. I need my space to sort shit out, as does he. I have some soul-searching to do. I’m still on the journey of self discovery, and right now I still need to do that without his help.
When the time comes to leave my current home, I’ll leave it for his. We will live as husband and wife and we’ll be happy with it.
We’ll also be open.
I won’t search for white knights, I don’t feel that need, but when one swoops in I’ll let them be in my life. No one can swoop me away from my Grey Knight, but my Grey Knight can’t offer me the feeling of new and exciting. My Grey Knight can’t be a new toy, though I hate that term, it helps lay out the picture.
At the end of the night, my husband will be the one I return to. He is the love of my life. But I will date here and there.
I’m capable of being in a closed marriage. But I’m also capable of the BPD taking over and causing strife as I resent my husband for trapping me. The new toy calls out to me and it promises to free me from where I’m not happy, my BPD twists the situation.
This change allows for increased stability.
And I’m not the only one benefiting from it. He has a special someone. I trust them together. And I see what she does for him, that I can’t.
A friend will come pick me up, is all my kids will see. Nothing ever in front of them. Or I’ll go out to hang out with a friend, the kids will see. Discretion will be key. Should they find out, they will be taught love comes in many forms and with many possible requirements and how to have an open mind.
But in a world where they would have to choose between mommy and daddy living together but mommy having special friends, or mommy and daddy living apart… The house will be run with love and by happy parents.
The world should learn to judge not for they too can be judged.