Why I Blog

BPD Blog Borderline Personality DisorderAs things slow down around here and I average a handful of posts a month instead of the handful a week or even day I use to produce, I ask myself, in moments of weakness, why I continue on.  Why not shut this place down?

Oh, I always pull myself out of that.  Too many hours spent here to just pull the plug.  Too much relevant information even if I’m not adding daily personal stories.  This blog surely has some life, some good even if it’s just in the background.

Monday I found this in my twitter stream.


I, of course, followed the link to find (Link no longer valid, but led to her discussing her recovery).

I quickly shared my pride in Michelle, thrilled to have someone new to the fold of recovered.  But then, Michelle quickly turned the tables to make sure I had some pride in myself.


My promise to Michelle, myself, and everyone who has read or will read this blog in the past, present and future is to not lose sight of that right there.  With all the misery my mental health has put me through over the years, if I can use it to give back to my community then it helps make some of it worth it.

Nothing can make all of it worth it.  But knowing I can help others does help.  More than just about anything else can.

Thank you Michelle.  Now go forth my friend and use your news skills, understanding, but most importantly your experience, to help others along the path.  To many have to fend for themselves with only those of us who have been there able to understand what they are truly going through.  You’ll find your means and method of using your past pain and anguish to do good.  I know you will.  And it will make you all the stronger of a healer.

Is that not, after all, what we both are?

Broken Hearted

Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most to me.  Like Pat, Thomas and I getting matching monogrammed stockings for T’s first Christmas.  My mom bought them for us.  Then gladly bought one for Luke when he entered our life.  When Sammy’s turn came mom was happy to purchase again, when I realized they had discontinued our design.  Mom even called up Land’s End asking if it was it at all possible a single teddy bear stocking remained in the darkest corner of their warehouse.  Nope.

My heart broke into a million pieces as I searched high and low across the internet with hopes that somewhere out there was this one little stocking I needed to complete the set.  Sure, Land’s End had other designs.  But to have her be the only one left out of the matching bears?  I couldn’t do it.

Finally, as it got too close to Christmas and a solution wasn’t coming, I decided to go with a dollar store, Baby’s 1st, pink thing to tide us over for a year.  I figured in 12 months time we could reach some solution.

That time has passed.  It’s exactly, from the time I’m typing this anyway, 1 month until Christmas.  A decision needs made.  Do I let her be the odd one out?  Do I replace all of them so that we have 5 that match?  Do we replace some this year and some next to break down the cost, praying we don’t rinse and repeat with another style discontinue?

What could possibly even take the place of those teddy bears I’ve loved for 10 years now? From that moment exactly 10 years ago when I first learned I was pregnant, we have been momma and papa bear.  Each baby in turn being our baby bear.  There is nothing that can take the place of this feeling.  And so few things could be a worthy second best, even.

I’m picky.  I don’t like change.  But my darling girl is my last baby bear and my heart hurts that I can’t get her that last stocking.  And with the clock ticking down and already hours spent searching for the next best thing, nothing else seems to be fitting what my heart is set on.  It’s doesn’t I suppose, have to be bears.  It just has to be as perfect as those bears were.  And simply put, nothing ever could be.


Oh happy days!  I searched and searched last night.  I took to Etsy as my last attempt at success.  And I found them.  THEM.  They aren’t needle point, but quilted sure is fine by me.  They are bears.  They are actually a cuter picture.  And at 7$ each, all 5 will cost the same as just 1 of the old ones.  I’m also supporting a crafter, not a corporation, which is an added win!

I emailed off the question of whether they had 5 on the spot, not yet sure if they were the answer I was looking for.  I don’t like change.  But after dreaming about them all night, and they having the boys go crazy for them when I gave them a peek the next morning, I knew I had my answer.  The deal was cinched when I heard back that she had exactly 5.  Exactly.  Five.

They’ve already been bought.

Cheese and Crack Jack-In-The-Box

My schizotypal is back in full force.  As strong as ever.  I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been off the medication that suppressed it, or if I’m feeling lonelier, or what.  I’d imagine, if anything, it would be a combination of the two.  But, I don’t really, conscientiously, feel very lonely.  If anything, as I’ve added activity both socially and solo to my life, I’ve felt less alone.  I’ve been very very full and fulfilled.  But none-the-less there are people and plot in my head.  I still have as much control as I ever have.  I can’t make myself make them go away, but I’m in control of all that carries on inside my head as far as they are concerned.  So nothing has gotten worse than it was, it’s just back.

Drive On Thru

I’m learning drive-thru at work.  In the name of accuracy, I guess I should say I’m fine-tuning and building confidence in drive-thru.  I’ve known the mechanics for a year now.  But one of the mechanics is running 4 lanes, usually by yourself and that takes confidence and practice.

Up until now, I’d been mostly avoiding, though capable of filling in, because I didn’t like being back there.  You’re by yourself.  Then even when you have a customer there is no face to face.  You have layers of glass and steel and nothing but an intercom and a tube.  I do my best face to face.  I may or may not flirt with dirty old men.  Fine, not dirty.  Just clean old men.

So when we lost one of our two drive-thru girls and a volunteer was asked for, I made my wish not to be picked known.  But drive-thru is hard and intimidating and so few actually like it.  So it was decided there would simply be rotations.  This Monday I was greeted by my teller supervisor with the news that he had something to tell me that I wouldn’t like.  This was to be my first rotation.  I shrugged.  I knew it was coming.  And?  I was in the mood to hide from people.

Two days in I think it’s been decided that I’m a permanent solution.  First off, I like it more than I thought I would.  It helps I can kick off my shoes, turn on some tunes, and dance barefooted between customers.  (I’m joking if you are the signer of my paycheck!  Don’t check the cameras!)  And as far as the stress of maintaining 4 lanes at once, and they can fill up fast, goes: I strive and thrive under pressure.  The more people waiting, the better I do.  I buckle down, stop thinking start working and the only car that exists is the car belonging to the tube in my hand.  (Not true.  I can greet and send out deposit tickets, withdraw slips and pens to as many people as needed all at once.  Keeps things moving and doesn’t distract from my current transaction in progress.)  I can out of the corner of my eye track the order tubes appear, to be sure I’m getting people in the order in which they were ready (not always the order they drive up in) and shit gets done.  One tube at a time, one car at a time.

I will toot my own horn and say thus far it’ll take a few more lanes, at once, to really phase me.  Will I turn down help from the teller line when I have a lineup and they are slow?  No.  But hey, this line up doesn’t involve keeping children happy so that Holiday portraits aren’t a royal mess.  Piece of cake!

Nothing has been formally decided.  We still need to see what this does to my scores as far as customer service surveys go.  But if I can maintain the 5 stars I’m rocking from back there, then we might as well.  I’ve got the cool and calm exterior.  The branch has the need.  And I’m learning that as long as people come back from time to time to show me signs of life outside my little room, I’m perfectly capable of being content back there.  So my sources say there is a good chance you’ll need to stop by my drive-thru to say hi from time to time.  I’ll send you out a lolly, though, if you’re nice.