I think I am finally starting to realize why I haven’t been reading blogs much anymore.

So many (not all) of my favorite blogs are written by women who have lost babies/children or who have extremely ill children, who weren’t necessarily born so.  Honestly, they often are some of the most passionate and even well-rounded writers.  That loss or struggle or real life awakening makes them who they are and they tend to be very worth reading.

But my biggest fear in life right now, besides being accidentally locked in the vault at work overnight*, is losing Sammy.

I didn’t fear this like this with the boys.  I don’t know what it is.  She is perfectly, wonderfully healthy. Maybe I fear girl parts make her more fragile?  Maybe it’s because I’ve been planning her existence specifically for 2.5 decades now?  (I had her name picked out when I was 2-years-old for Pete’s sake.)  Maybe because she should have been impossible in so very many ways?  Maybe I just wasn’t reading blogs, like I do now, when the boys were younger so I was blissfully unaware of how things can go wrong?

I don’t love her any more or any less than I love the boys.  But I fear losing her unlike I have ever feared anything ever.

It doesn’t build to a paranoia.  I can keep myself in check.  I know I’m being silly to have that extent of a fear.

But when I’m reading a blog that speaks of losing a life way too young.  Before steps are taken.  Before Graduation stages are walked across.  Even just pre-school ones.  I just have this fear fill me, starting in the pit of my stomach, but growing until it fills me head to toe.  And I have to look away.  I don’t love those blogs any less.  In fact, I almost love them more because they have lived what I so strongly fear.

But right now, I just can’t read it.

So, let’s try this again after we get Sammy past her first birthday.

*Yes I have a fear of being locked in a vault over night.  Any rational person would.  Those things are on a timer.  Co-workers can’t just go crap and open it right back up if they’ve set it.  They set it before it closes.  They lock it before it closes.  (Good news is, only co-workers can actually do this.  Sorry would be robbers.  Or serial bank teller killers.)  Vaults have about 12 hours worth of air.  If I get locked in 5:30PM on any given week night, I’m not making it until 8AM the following morning.  God forbid it happen on a Saturday.  I’d be freed Monday.  A tad more than 12 hours, don’t you think?  This is a purely rational fear.  I don’t understand one bit why my husband, and co-workers find it hysterical.  Rational.  Also?  No food or bathroom.  RA-TION-AL!

2 thoughts on “Fears

  1. Just in case it helps:

    Girl parts do not make a child fragile. Girls are actually less likely to die at young ages than boys are–and this starts in the womb. This is why (in parts of the world where people do not practice infanticide, ugh) the population tends to be 51% female. People sometimes assume that is due to guys being more reckless but the ratio is already a bit skewed at birth and through the very young ages. Girls are just a tiny bit less fragile, biologically speaking.

    Variation in the individual child is way, way more important than this tiny variation between genders but you should never assume that your girl child is any less hardy than the boys just for being XX.

  2. Oh I know. It's just this psychological idiosyncrasy I have. But, it is kinda awesome seeing the facts up there. I also love how I knew it was you who made that comment, before I actually saw "Luna" on it.

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