There are like 5 blog posts I need to write. Like a week ago. So I’ve decided at this point, I’m just going to combine them all into one post. Seems to make more sense than spamming the net with 5 posts in one day, yes?
Current Mental Health State
My mental state is really good right now. I’m actually very stable. In a way I haven’t been in a long time, even with meds. What’s more, I’m interacting with my husband and kids in a way that is rare for me. I’m actually affectionate with my husband. Like casual cuddling, hand holding, random kisses, saying sweet things, affectionate. And I’m paying more and better attention to my boys. Luke has dragged me up to his room a few times to just sit and watch him play. Sometimes, depending on what he’s playing, I join in. Other times, I just sit and watch and talk or applaud, or whatever is called for.
I had my first postpartum meds appointment about a week ago.The original plan was to get on Cymbalta asap after birth and the rest would quickly follow. However, with me being this stable, she doesn’t want to put me on anything else yet. We are both concerned for the postpartum depression that happens 6 months out, but we’ve decided we’ll prepare for that, closer to that. In the meantime, I’m just riding the wave. And so far, I’m doing really good. Oh, and if I show signs of needing it sooner than the 6month point, I’ll go on it sooner. But for now, the wave is good.
Also of IMPORTANT note, is that both my therapist and my meds doc got to meet Sammy. This was very important to me. Since my meds doc, and therapist to, pretty much kept her safe when she was inside me and I needed to stop working.
I had an appointment for my headache last Thursday. I gave him a brief history. He affirmed what I knew that they were tension headaches. I brought up the sleep apnea. He said it was hard to tell fatigue with me having a new baby and all. I gave him a history of THAT as well. He does agree with me that we can’t tell for sure either way without a sleep study, but it is definitely a possibility. He is kind of actually hoping that is what it is, because it’s easier to treat. So he’s getting me scheduled for that. His first choice will get me in faster, but they may not take my insurance. The other will for sure take it, but I’ll have a wait. In the meantime I have Fioricet, to try to treat the headaches as they happen. I haven’t taken it yet, so I don’t know if it works. It’s a combo of Tylenol, caffeine and Butalbital. I’ve never really heard of Butalbital and I don’t know anything about it. So we’ll see, I guess.
So hey, I’m job hunting! Raise your hand if you’re surprised?
So basically, while I do indeed have a job to return to, (November 1st) I really don’t want to. Nothing wrong with the job or company, that isn’t fixed by me no longer being pregnant. I’m just bored with the job. It isn’t mentally stimulating. And it was never EVER meant to be a long term, for ever and ever thing. When I took it, it was a good way to supplement my income while I continued at the camera store. When I left the camera store, it was a good way of paying the bills until I found something better. But let’s be honest, while I’m not full enough of myself to say “I’m too smart” for a job like this, I will say I’m too smart to not be bored by lack of mental stimulation. Ok, that’s almost the same thing but not quite. I’m not too good for it, I’m just too bored for it.
I’m mostly applying at banks and credit unions. There have been a few other miscellaneous things here and there I’ve applied for that I’d be happy with, but banks are the focus. They were the focus 9 months ago when I initially tried to job hunt.
I’m also having some success. The hard part is that I started early expecting bad luck and it taking awhile, but I’m having good luck, and it’s still a little over a month before I’m ready to start anywhere. Both within the realms of the regular 6 weeks, though I was hoping to take a bit longer to continue enjoying my family, but I also have a lot of really important appointments scattered through the next month. And while I normally schedule those for my known days off, I haven’t had to do that for a few months now. Also, some of them I was just given a day and time, with little choice. The government can do that. The other thing is, the training for most these jobs are a Monday-Friday thing, no ifs, ands or buts. And while after that, fine I can have Wednesdays off, before that, not so much.
So for now, I guess, I’m putting a halt to the hunt for new applications to fill out, and just sitting back and following through with the ones I already have. We’ll see what happens, I guess.
I don’t even know what to say here. She is still the most perfect, beautiful, and magnificent thing to ever grace this Earth. She is no longer sleeping 21 hours a day. She has a 2 hour fussy period almost every day. (Not at the same time.) She hates baths. She loves cuddles. She has a never ending appetite. She is fun to dress up. She attracts crowds. Like flocks of seagulls to a french fry, really. It’s scary. lol
She is simply and complexly amazing.
I have been cleaning and organizing like crazy. I mean, I know I said that in the month before Sammy was born, but I’ve gone crazy. Er, crazier? It’s like my mind told my body a month ago, “Right then, you’re useless, we’ll catch up again later for this cleaning fit.” and that later is now. Which fine, the house looks awesome. But holy cow! I, of course, ever defensive have been arguing it’s not nesting, it’s spring cleaning. Aggressively. In the fall. I honestly think I’m mildly, and not dangerously, manic. One of the things I do when manic is clean. It’s also possible that a domestic instinct that knows I’m back to work before too long and won’t have time around the house, is kicking in and I’m just getting shit done while I can. It’s not like I’m vacuuming the ceiling. Everything I’ve done I’ve either wanted to do for awhile, or is at least of significant use. So I’m going with it!
I’m worried about crossing a line here, so I’ll tread lightly. Pat is on a new med. Up until before Sammy was born, really, Pat was an insomniac. A functional one, at that. He’d sleep, on average, maybe 4 hours a night, never needed anymore, never napped, and you’d think he’d slept the full 8. But something changed and now suddenly, he’s chronically fatigued. He could sleep 12 hours and still need a nap a handful of hours after waking up. He’s turned into me, is what I’m saying.
There are a few theories about this. Mine is depression, but Pat says with the birth of his daughter he’s happier than he’s ever been. Ever. He is having a slight issue with his blood pressure. He’s always been very low, but his most recent, about 2 weeks ago, trip to the doctor, had it reading remarkably high. Now, since then it has come down a lot. There are quite a few factors that can attribute to that. But in the meantime, fatigue is a symptom of high blood pressure. But if that’s the cause, shouldn’t it be getting better now that it’s within the realms of normal again? One of the lowering of blood pressure factors, is that he’s on a very low dose of an anti-anxiety med. It causes fatigue. But he had the fatigue before he had the med. So is it a combo of both? We can’t really figure it out. He had a complete and total 180 in his sleeping patterns over night and the only known changes aren’t seeming to explain it. So then, what is it?
On the one hand, the fatigue is kind of annoying because it gives me limited help with the baby. If I need help in the night, he can’t hear me call for him or text him. And during the afternoon, when he’s comatose, I’m on my own no matter what I’m doing.
BUT I of all people understand the whole fatigue thing. I of all people understand not having a choice but to nap. You don’t want to, but you can’t avoid it. I understand sleeping so soundly that you could sleep through the apocalypse. I understand FULLY what he’s going through. I’ve been through it most my adult life. And it’s not like he’s enjoying it. It’s happening against his wishes. So I’m no way upset with him.
I just wish we could find a balance between the fatigue and insomnia. I also, really would like to know why suddenly my husband can’t stay awake. It’s alarming, at best.
I think that’s about everything.