So close and yet, so far away.

So, at my 32 weeks appointment, after 16 weeks of gaining and losing the same 4 pounds, I discovered I had gained 7 pounds in the previous 2 weeks. Which would have been insanely not good (too much too fast whoa there!) except I needed to gain the weight. So, my OBGYN was thrilled, as long as I didn’t continue to gain 7 pounds every 2 weeks.

I was kinda curious where I’d stand this week.

Apparently I lost 3 pounds. *sigh* But she wasn’t worried. The baby, as always, is the exact size she needs to be. I’m also still a bit over what I was during the endless back and forward between 248 and 252, to it’s still progress. And at least I didn’t gain another 7?

She is also, blessedly, confirmed head down (with ass up in my right ribcage). Though so far there are no signs of noticable braxton hicks, so I’m losing faith she will EVER come out. My body isn’t even practicing.

We discussed birth control. Keeping in mind I refuse to take anything with hormones (because of my mental health being a delicate enough of a balance), and the IUD I had inserted after Luke made life miserable… I’m running out of options. Since I’m DONE having kids, I decided to go permanent. I figured I’d go ahead and get my tubes tied. Which I’m ok with. I brought it up with my doc so that if I had to have a c-section with this baby (not that there is so far any indication I will) they could take care of it while in there. But, apparently, the hospital I’m delivering at won’t allow that. Which, really makes no sense. But ok. She then gave me a brochure for something called “Essure“. Which is just as permanent and even more effective, but doesn’t involve cutting me open. Sounds great! Then I did a little research (that wasn’t sponsored by Essure). Yeah, not so much. I think I’ll stick with the original plan of the surgery. Though, if any of you have any personal stories relating to this, do feel free to speak up.

So on a different note, now is the time I might as well bring up a decision I’ve made. But first, some back story:

When I was pregnant with Thomas, I knew up front I was going to breast feed. I didn’t even bother buying bottles and formula. Breast feeding is healthier and cheaper and I was going to do it. About a week after he was born and my milk STILL hadn’t come in (I could produce a drop every few hours), I gave up. We bought what we needed to buy and were done with it. He was bottle fed from that point on.

When I was pregnant with Luke, I didn’t have high hopes of milk production but I was going to sorta give it a try. Basically, I was going to breast feed for 2 weeks, a couple of times a day, and then stop so I could go back on my meds. He had no interest in the breast itself (bottles produced much faster results with a lot less work) so I pumped twice a day for at least and hour each time. Between both boobs, I could produce 4 oz. So there was something, but not much. When those 2 weeks were up I was done, didn’t look back, and took my meds.

This time, I’m not even going to try. It’s a mental health decision, really. First and foremost, I want to start taking Geodon (or something) before I even leave the hospital. That first night in the hospital. From day one there will be drugs in my body that will make it so I can’t breast feed. This, I truly feel, is a matter of life or death for me. And it’s backed-up by the fact, I don’t exactly produce enough milk for it to be worth the risk of not getting on meds right away. Finally, having breasts as obscenely large as mine but not producing milk, is a real hit to the self esteem. My already delicate mental health, doesn’t need that blow for a third time.

And who knows, maybe this time around I would have been able to feed a village with minimal effort, but I don’t think so. I follow A LOT of blogs and it seems half of these women are pregnant. Just behind, just ahead, way ahead. But all of them have been soaking through shirts with pregnancy leakage from about 30(ish) weeks on and well, I have a drop here and there…

So I’m pretty much saying, “Fuck it, someone pass me my meds.”

In other news, I’m having the, “Holy shit! I’m going to have a baby in about a month!” realization hit. And while part of me is all, “Hells ya! I’m so done with being pregnant!” the rest of me is all, “Crap! Socks! I haven’t bought any socks for the kid!” And it isn’t that I’m going to need socks right away. And it isn’t even really socks specifically that have me going “Crap!”. The socks are mostly just a metaphor for the few things here and there that we don’t have.

Being honest, if I went into labor tonight, we’d be fine and ready and all that. Yes there are a few things I’d like to pick up, but we have enough/all of the basics that lead to surviving the immediate weeks of having a baby. So we could buy the random things after the baby was born. But I’d still like to try and have them bought beforehand. Really, there is only one thing on that list (besides the obvious things like diapers) that we really need ASAP, but it’s all of 6$. So should I pop tomorrow, someone can pick it up real fast from the store, when they run in to buy diapers and a can of formula to hold us until WIC kicks in.

(I will be buying said can of formula on the first of the month. And hopefully at least some diapers soon after. One step closer to ready.)

And since some of you are stubborn, the following is a direct copy from facebook, but I figured I’d post it here as well:

Some of you have been asking what we still need for this baby. If you aren’t one of those people, dude this is our 3rd, you/we are fine. But a couple of you are ignoring that. If you insist on being one of those people, let me know and I’ll let you know what would actually help. Otherwise, carry on.

Basically, we aren’t looking for gifts. This is our third, so requesting gifts is silly/rude but also unneeded. (Please note, I HATED needing to have a baby shower with Luke even though we legit had nothing due to losing almost everything from when Thomas was a baby. So the idea of asking for/accepting gifts for this baby when we are mostly set is mind boggling.) But I’m well aware that a few people, want to do something regardless. So if you are one of those people, let me know and I’ll steer you in the right direction. If you aren’t one of those people, well thank you for your logic. lol But yes, there is a registry. But don’t just randomly go to it, because there are instructions that go with it that I don’t have the option of stating on said registry.

In closing, a few more pregnancy related notes/copies from facebook:

Vacuuming the top of a really dusty dresser: Insane, Genius, or Insanely Genius?

So, do all extremely preg women nesting in this heat wave have that permanent alluring scent combo of bleach and BO, or is it just me?

According to baby center, I should have been “sashaying” around and only now start to waddle. Has anyone there ever even seen a preg woman?

And finally, in parting:

Gawd! My stomach is SO uncomfortable! It’s almost like there is a whole other person in there or something.