30 Days of the Truth: Day 4

I stole this from here. I’m not going to be able to strictly follow their schedule. I already missed the first few days and they are off schedule themselves, for that matter. But I like the idea so I’m going to give it a go.

The idea is that every Monday and Wednesday, though I already have a regular post Wednesdays so we’ll say Friday, you go through the topics and post the truth about yourself. So here we go.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Something I have to forgive someone for. That’s easy.

Years ago before Thomas was born, before I was married and then after I got married and up until Thomas was like 4 months old, I worked for Circuit City. It wasn’t the best job. But it was a good job. I worked hard. I was in a position of leadership. And I was a valued employee. There was a manager wide countdown until I’d get off maturity leave. They missed me.

But I was stressed. Highly stressed. I had the bitch job in the store. I was the music lead. Hardest job in the store. Period. It was a two person job and I had me, myself and I, and that was about it. I had helped the previous two music leads so I knew what I was doing. But I helped because I wanted the job. No one was willing to help me because they didn’t want the job.

Music lead was a stepping stone to better management. Good management. You suffer that job then you are at greener pastures. I wanted the greener pastures.

But in the meantime, I was coming home from work tired and stressed and depressed. The day I got written up for not getting something done on time I was a real mess. I still to this day know it’s not my fault it didn’t get done and I was near hysterics in my crying. Though I saved it all for when I got home. And Pat had a hot mess on his hands.

I had given my all to that job. They saw the best of my work ethics. They saw me working 50 hour weeks while pregnant. They saw me busting ass while pregnant. I nested in that store. That store had never been cleaner or better organized. After Thomas was born I continued to give them my all.

The relationship with Circuit City was an abusive one. My boss, Shannon, was particularly abusive. She had great pleasure in telling me my maternity leave wasn’t covered but the Family Medical Leave Act and that she didn’t have to hold my job, all while the rest of the managers were calling her a moron to her face, for that. She tried to play a prank and tell me she couldn’t give me the 4 day weekend I requested off to get married. Lucky for her, someone else couldn’t keep a straight face so she threw in the just kidding real quickly.

In short, there were times and people who made it clear the store couldn’t run without me. There were also times when they acted like I was a waste of a paycheck. The day I got written up was one of those days.

Pat was in a bad position. He wasn’t seeing the manic me at work, but he was seeing the depressed, post manic me at home. He was hearing the stories of mistreatment, though he was also seeing the “Karen’s coming back to work” count down and happy dance. He didn’t know what to think. But being mentally unhealthy himself, he wasn’t equipped for the Karen that came home to him after that write-up.

So he did something that has taken me all these years to forgive him for. He ordered me to quit my job. I was to quit or never complain or cry about work in front of him again. That was a sleepless night. But the next morning I called into work and told them I wouldn’t be coming back. It was exactly what Pat told me to do and I did it.

I then spent the next year a total mess. I couldn’t find a job right way which worsened my depression. Eventually, the goal became to get my mental health under control and then find a job.

This was back before I was in with Concord where my current therapist and meds doctor are at. I finally tracked down a therapist, not at Concord, I didn’t know about Concord, who took my insurance. I was placed on a waiting list and finally got in. Another waiting list and I got into a meds doctor. It took a year and a misdiagnosis that stuck with me, but I finally got stable enough to work again. That is quite possibly about the worst year of my life though. And I’ve always blamed Pat for it.

Looking back and knowing what he knows now about my mental health, Pat does see why what he did in ordering me to quit my job like that was a mistake. He has asked for my forgiveness and I’ve been working hard on it. That is one I forgive you, even though I may have already said it, that just doesn’t happen overnight.

Oh and for the record. I’ve always been really good about not posting the name of the company I work for and never trash talking someplace I work like I just did with Circuit City. The only reason I spoke so freely today is because they are out of business so what I say can in no way harm them.

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