So welcome to me weekly topic of what it’s like living with this mental illness.
Today’s topic was meant to be written yesterday but I didn’t think of it until I was at work and once I was home it was 11:30 and I was in no mood to write. So you get my topic a day late. Will the wait be worth it? We shall see.
Today I want to talk about splitting. So what is splitting? Your average and above or below average person with BPD sees the world as black and white. Where black is the equivalent of pure evil and white is, well, the exact opposite. And most everything falls into these categories. But mostly people.
So what about the shades of gray? Well, they are rare. Not impossible, but rare. It is more common for a person to flip back and forward between black and white than it is for them to be a shade of gray.
And everyone is black or white? Well, no. The pizza delivery guy isn’t important enough to be either. (Unless you are like me and worship food in which case he is a pure bright white. Hmm, maybe that was a bad example…) So let’s go with the random people in general we meet in our life. The girl ringing you out at the shoe store. Not an important person. Not black or white. Unless of course they do something specific to stand out of course. These random people do have the potential to become more, but generally they are neutral. Not even a shade of gray. I call them clear.
So let’s take a look at the people in my life. We’ll look at the most important.
We’ll start with my mom. She is a true shade of gray. Most moms are. Because no matter how much they piss you off, you still generally love them. After all, they are mom. This isn’t always the case. Moms can be abusive and hurtful. And if your mom isn’t a shade of gray I truly feel bad for you. Because, well, it’s your mom.
My dad spent most my life being white to me. I was, after all, daddy’s little girl. In recent years this has changed. Something about supporting him… I honestly can’t tell if he is black or gray. I’m not objective enough on this matter.
Then of course there is Pat. Pat is Pat and for years I thought he jumped between black and white. One minute I hated him, the next I idolized him. But recently after much reflection I’ve come to realize he is truly gray to me. No matter how much I hate him at times, I’m still in love with him. I can’t tell you if this is a recent thing or not. I do know it’s why I fight so hard to keep him. When you have a gray in your life, you don’t let go without a fight. Based on the fact I’ve been fighting to keep him for most of our marriage now, I think he’s been gray all along.
April use to be clear to me. She was just one of Pat’s ex’s and I was indifferent. Then she became I black. I was insanely jealous of her because of how close she and Pat have remained through the years. Then when I had my thing with Andrew I found myself caring what she thought. Drove me crazy. Then when the Andrew thing calmed down and I realized she wasn’t a threat to my marriage and that she really liked me she slowly became white and has stayed there. She’s an infectious little thing. I feel bad because it’s setting her up for failure, but I still find some security in it because if she can recover from how jealous of her I was, she can recover from anything. Besides, she’s pretty far away and is a generally sweet person. I’m not jealous that she is with other people, because dude, she is married. I’m not insecure that I’m not her bestest friend ever, because that’s not what I’m after. She’s already proven she can tell me things I don’t want to hear and I take it well from her. So I’m pretty secure that she’d have to try to turn black for me to lose her as a white. Even then I think she would turn gray first.
I find a burning drive to defend myself over the whites in my life. Can you tell?
Stacy spent almost a decade being white in my life. Then the whole mess with Pat wanting a girlfriend cropped up with Stacy as an option. And I Stacy’s response, to him, doesn’t sit well with me. Not to mention she made no move to talk to me about it, or comfort me in my time of need, and well… I wouldn’t say she is black to me, but she is not white. I’d say she is a dark dark gray. I don’t know if our friendship will ever be the same. I’m not sure I want it to be. I feel the loss but I’m deeply hurt at this time.
Kate is Kate. I’m not sure what Kate is to me. She’s too crazy to put a thumb on. I think she might be gray by default because she’s not black and she’s not white.
Brenda, on the other hand, is white. She’s like a mom to me only she doesn’t piss me off. Mostly because she’s a mom that doesn’t have to tell me what to do. I get all the support and friendship but none of the, disappointment.
Most of my coworkers are clear. There are a few that stand out in my mind and they are black or white but I won’t name names or go into detail. No need to get myself fired.
And there you have the main people in my life.