Archive for August, 2010


Posted August 31, 2010 By kmarrs

A few of the blogs I follow are written by recovering alcoholics and those trying to escape the urge to numb their feelings with a glass of whatever. That and these girls, like me, are on meds that don’t mix well with alcohol.

Poor Sandy, last night she fought the urge for “just one glass” for the better part of the evening. Kaley got into a lot of trouble with her drinking awhile back and got a couple of DUIs. And Jennifer is going to have to face AA meetings to get into her mental health treatment facility.

This makes me think about myself and my drinking.

Back before Luke was in my life, back when Pat and I were separated and Andrew was an issue, alcohol and I had a bit of a fling on the side. I wanted to feel numb, alcohol got me there. This was before I knew I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Back before I knew I had an addictive personality. I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic. I mean, I didn’t drink every night. I was able to stop without issue when I wanted to stop. But I was in a world of hurt and I wanted the booze to numb me. I know, wrong reason to drink.

So flash forward to today.

Do I still drink? Yes; on occasion. But for a different set of reasons. At first I limited it to social drinking with Stacy and such, but quickly realized I was drinking too much in one sitting. Acid reflux kicked in and kicked my ass. Nothing worse than puking up alcohol.

So now? A glass, a single glass, here and there. Never to numb. Never because I’m an emotional mess. My last two alcoholic beverages (different nights) were frozen drinks to help cool me off when I was over heated. I knew I was emotionally fine. I knew I wasn’t drinking enough to throw up. They were just frozen treats to help lower my body temperature.

I don’t drink often. Our current bottle of rum, I haven’t touched and I don’t plan to. I don’t have anything to mix it with. I don’t plan to have anything to mix it with. It won’t be touched by me. The bottle of TGI Friday’s pina colada mix lasted me all summer and I shared it. I didn’t even buy it for myself. My dad bought it to surprise me on a holiday weekend. Otherwise it wouldn’t have even been in the house.

So what about booze and my meds? Booze and meds don’t mix. I don’t take my meds when I’ve been drinking. Well, I still take my Geodon because I can’t miss that one without getting sick, but I don’t take anything else.

I like to think that alcohol and I have a healthy relationship. Maybe I’m wrong. I know my meds doctor doesn’t want me drinking at all. But it’s hard telling if that’s a me specific thing or if in general she’s just worried about her BPD patient’s addictive personality kicking in. My bet is it’s just worry about how alcohol and meds mix. I’m sure she doesn’t want me missing a night of meds just to drink.

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End Of An Era

Posted August 28, 2010 By kmarrs

Or maybe it just felt like one.

Yesterday was my last day with the camera store. It was a quiet day. Not too busy, not too slow.

The store had moved the previous Wednesday so I was getting use to a new lab. Though I didn’t worry too much about. I only had to tolerate it for a few hours. It is a lot smaller than the old lab though. That’s for sure. It’s about a quarter the size. But that doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m no longer there. It’s not my problem.

I surprised myself by not crying yesterday. Normally I’m the overly emotional type. But leaving brought no tears. This can only mean that it was the right decision.

The closest I came to crying was saying goodbye to my favorite customers. Both Mr Ross and John (and his dog Birdie who is my favorite of my favorites) stropped in to say good bye. Both are sad to see me go. They like my work. Neither make me work very hard. So they’ll be fine.

John and Birdie brought me a rose and a balloon. My kids have since stolen the balloon, which I knew they would. The rose, however, sits proudly on my kitchen table in a make shift vase. (Anyone seen my vases?)

This also means yesterday was my last 13 hour day. This part excites me. I should be working better hours from here on out. There will be plenty of 6 to 8 hour days but those are doable. I hate them, but I can make them work.

Today I feel kind of numb.

I think I need a vacation. I have one coming up. Plans got canceled but I’m still going to take the time off. It will mean 4 day work weeks instead of 5 day but hopefully Pat will let me do it. I could use the 4 days off in a row. I just want to chill with my family.

Anyway, what’s done is done. There is no turning back.

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This Doesn’t Mean I’ll Actually Do It….

Posted August 27, 2010 By kmarrs

If I started a quote of the day blog, would you follow it? There would be no central theme. Some would be inspirational, some funny, some wtf, some intelligent. There would be Mark Twain Mondays and just quotes.

I dunno. Just a thought that came to me so I’m toying with it out loud where you can hear me.

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Medical Drama

Posted August 25, 2010 By kmarrs

So yesterday Luke woke up with a runny nose. We called it a cold or allergies and didn’t think much of it. He had no other symptoms and no fever so there was nothing to worry about. We put him to bed at 8:30 and went about our business.

10:00 he woke with an attempt at a scream. He was barking out coughs and couldn’t breath. My first thought was croup and a hot shower. Pat’s was asthma where the warm steam could kill him. So off to the ER we went.

After about an hour and a half wait in the waiting room we were shown a room. Immediately two doctors and a couple nurses swooped in. The listened to him breath and hooked him up to a machine that kept an eye on his heart rate.

By 2am it was pronounced to be a case of croup and he was given an oral steroid. They kept him awhile after the steroid to be sure there weren’t going to be any further problems. But then he was released.

We were home and in bed by 2:30am. Luke slept down in the nice cool basement with me. I figured it would be better on his breathing than his warm bedroom. I also wanted him close in case there were further problems.

Luckily he passed out cold within minutes of being put to bed and while he did cough in the night, he slept through until just after noon.

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Posted August 24, 2010 By kmarrs

So apparently this is my 1000th post.

I wanted to do something big and special and glamorous. But frankly, I couldn’t think of anything. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ve written many important blog posts in the past 1000 posts that would happily sit in this spot. But none of them would truly celebrate this milestone.

So I guess I’m going to quietly acknowledge it and move on.

Also, I think I fixed twitter feed and this post was so going to be a simple testing post but then I realized it was 1000 and well, 1000 can’t simply read I’m testing twitter feed. So you got this instead. Move along now.

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This ‘N’ That

Posted August 24, 2010 By kmarrs

Apparently I’m blogging tonight.

Thomas is ready for school. His uniform is bought, washed and folded. His supplies are already waiting for him at school. The only thing left is to get him on the bus Wednesday morning. He wanted me to take him to school Wednesday and eat breakfast with him in the cafetria, but it just won’t work out that way. He’ll be fine though. He’s a good boy. Orientation was tonight. I really like his teacher. She is very outgoing and energetic. I guess she would have to be to keep up with 26 kids that age. But wow, first grade. No kidding. Next year Luke starts pre-school and it’s just like wow, really? It’s all too crazy.

The boys are downstairs watching Avatar. Well, not Luke. Luke is in bed. I was invited to watch it too, but I’m just not interested. Maybe another time. I did watch All Dogs Go to Heaven with them. I cried. Even Luke watched most of it. But he had trouble sitting through the very end so it got paused, he got put in bed and we finished the end without him.

So my twitter feed is broken. The last posts that posted from it were the 2 on April. I’m not going to say she broke it but… In all seriousness, I’m kinda pissed. It isn’t like I was in messing with the settings so there is no real excuse for it to just up and stop working. I’ve written 3 really important posts since it stopped working that I would really like to have hit my twitter stream. But nope. Nada. Nothing. Fuckers.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, twitter feed is a site that checks my blog every 30 minutes for new posts and when is find one it posts the title and a link to it to twitter and/or facebook. It’s a very handy tool that saves me time and energy. I get publicity without having to put forth the extra effort.

I’m going to stop blogging now.

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