But happy.

Work at the second job is going good. I seem to be picking it up fast. I mean really it isn’t the hardest job out there. So I should be picking it up quickly. Every now and then I run into something small I don’t know, but I’m assured that will happen. For the most part I can run lane without any help.

The hours are long and it is indeed not the most stimulating work. But I entertain myself by talking to my customers. So far my shifts have been only 5 hours long, so the suffering is minimal. Tomorrow is my first 8 hour shift, so we’ll see how that goes. Pray for me. It’s just really not the most stimulating work. I can do it and I will do it but it is what it is. I’m not really complaining, I knew what I was getting into when I applied for the job. The monotony of the job was stressed during the interview. So while I’m not complaining, I’m not going to lie either. But like I said, it is what it is and I have 8 hours of it tomorrow.

Pat is being awesome about my sleep schedule. Before I was lucky to sleep past Luke waking up and even if I did get to sleep in I was being called at ten. Since I’m having to get my self on the schedule of being up really late (I know I don’t work late every night but it’s easier to be on that schedule period so my internal clock isn’t all confused. Otherwise I’m dragging ass on my late nights.) I need to sleep in, in the morning. Now that I’m working two jobs Pat is pretty much letting me sleep as late as I want. This morning at around noon he called down to see if I wanted food. So I’m not sure what he would have done if I had just groaned and rolled over. (I was already in the process of getting up.) Wednesday, after my 1am shift, he said I can sleep all day if I want. I don’t know that I’ll take him up on that, but I won’t be in bed before 3am, I don’t think. (I need a couple hours after work to digest the day and wind down.)

I also want to stress how awesome the camera store I work at is being with all this. They are letting me skip out early on shifts so I can get to my second job. They are going to keep me at 3-4 days a week instead of expecting 5 out of me during the holiday. My boss is incredible. I think he’s just happy I’m not quitting. Though I know he would understand if I did. He knows I have a family to support and is doing what he can to make it happen. I also gave him the OK to drop me to 2 days a week if I’m getting enough hours at my second job. I know he’s been doing everything he can to prevent it. So it was nice to be able to say, I get it, I understand, I can now sort of afford for you have to do what you have to do. So we’ll see. He says we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

And that’s everything there is to report. I have blogs to go read now. I’m days behind. I have the feeling that’s the new story of my life.

3 thoughts on “Tired…

  1. This is such good news. Congratulations.
    It sounds like the hard part isn't the job itself but the hours and the juggling everything else around it – and, you seem to be doing that without much trouble.
    I just wanted to point out that in your last posting you said that "brain chemistry" is one of the "causes" of BPD. There is no scientific evidence that brain chemistry of people with BPD is any different than anyone else. This idea of brain chemistry being off was a myth perpetrated by pharmaceutical companies. They needed to promote that their drugs could "fix" something and landed on the idea of brain chemistry. In fact, the brain chemistry is altered BY the drugs.
    My daughter, too, was raised by a loving mom in a nurturing environment. She was also picked on and I believe, like you do, that it was because of a perceived vulnerability that put her in in the sights of her peers. She was born the way that she is. Genetics played a role. Research has not come up with a definitive answer where mental illness comes from. But, it is not a "chemical imbalance".
    One good thing that you will find reassuring is that the brain has capacity to change and learn – even when it has been affected by antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Your experiences of taking on a new job, coping with the stress and juggling the family is forging new pathways in your brain. Your brain is learning new ways to deal. Like my daughter going off to do the job she is doing in Australia that I am talking about in my blog. It was damn hard, but she forged ahead and did it on her own. Each time you guys are able to create a new lifeskill, you are teaching your brain to react differently in situations.
    Anyway, bravo to you for doing so well under stress and continuing to have such a positive outlook.
    I expect that my daughter will stumble and have some difficulties while she is working so far from her source of stability (me…) But I hope that when this happens she will find some strength in knowing that she got all the way there on her own. Like you taking on some of the financial burden of your family. It is hard, but someone's got to do it.
    I am happy for you.
    xx kris

  2. I'm not very knowledgable in this area, but what Kristin says makes sense to me about it not being brain chemistry. Brian always said, "You don't get a headache because your brain has a lack of Tylenol." Ok, ok, Brian was a asshole, but I agree with what he said. The brain IS altered by the drugs.
    And I'm glad you're doing well so far too.

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