It’s Wednesday again, which means it’s time for my weekly installment. For those of you who might be new to this site, every Wednesday I make a point of posting about how I’m handling BPD in the moment. How I’m doing, what my current symptoms are. Whatever. As long as it has to do with me and BPD.
I had therapy today. It had been about a month since my last session so there was a lot to go over.
We discussed me taking this second job. My main concern is that it will increase my stress and my symptoms will worsen. We both agreed that was a valid concern. So from here I just have to hope that I’m stable enough because of my meds to handle the added stress. It’s a huge jump to go from working 15 hours a week to 40.
We discussed the money issue. And let me tell you, I’m about as sick of discussing money in therapy as I am discussing it on my blog. The new job should improve this though. By no means will we be rich, but we’ll be back to comfortable. I’m hoping we can start setting up and emergency fund for the next time a tire blows or what have you. The catch is it can’t be in the bank and it can’t simply be tucked under our mattress. I do want to start saving money though. 20$ from each paycheck would be something. We can’t afford much more than that, and there might be weeks where, say, I need a new pair of work shoes and we can’t add to the stash and buy the shoes. But it’s better than nothing.
We discussed the desire to have our third baby. She didn’t really voice an opinion but she seemed to be fine with it. She seemed optimistic that I could do it. She agreed to the master plan which at this time is the following: We are going to give me at least 3-6 months to adjust to working 2 jobs. Then we are going to slowly ween me off my meds. Ideally I will still be on my meds through the holiday season, since we are waiting a little longer than anticipated anyways. Then this spring when I’m off my meds and I’ve had the chance to adjust to that, we’ll start trying for a fall baby.
And that was my session.
So how am I doing? I’m mostly ok. I have my moments, but they seem, to me anyways, to be within the realm of normal.
My depression is still there but it’s low enough that we are calling it my baseline. I am a depressed person by nature in a stressful living situation. I’m going to be depressed. But it’s manageable. I’m not lying awake at night day dreaming up ways to kill myself. So I’m stable there.
I’m irritable and lose my temper but I’m not flying into rages. And again it seems to be my baseline. Kids are annoying. I have a short temper. I’m going to yell on occasion. But I’m not seeing red. I’m not clinching my fists. I’m not fighting the urge to hit something. I’m just an average mother who happens to have a short temper. That isn’t unheard of.
I’m happier than I am miserable.
I’m nicer than I am bitchy.
For a few weeks there I was so unusually pleasant that Pat thought I’d some how gotten pregnant even though we aren’t trying yet. We even bought a pregnancy test just to be sure. I’m not pregnant. It woulda been a miracle baby if I was. Don’t look at me like that mom. This one really would have been an oops. Though we would have welcomed the early addition with opened arms.
The point is, I seem to have found my baseline and I really am stable.