Living Life with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I’m not really sure what to say this week. I’m doing good for the most part.

I had a small trip into the dark side over the weekend. But even then I pulled myself along. I didn’t rage. Instead I shut my trap and was silent. Equally harmful, perhaps. I don’t know. I did quite a bit of crying. Once at work (I pulled myself together quickly) and one night I cried myself to sleep.

So what would the BPD response to the stress have been?

  • Crying of course, though that is only natural
  • Cutting perhaps
  • Suicidal idealization
  • Anger
  • Possible rage
  • Ignoring my husband (guilty)
  • Sleeping it away

So after asking my husband for help he has pointed out that I in part had a BPD response when I ignored him when he was trying to help. So maybe I am a little guilty. But of those 6 bullet points, only being guilty of 2 of them isn’t bad. Or at least not as bad as times past.

Healthy ways to cope with the stress?

  • Writing/blogging about it
  • Photography
  • Playing with my kids
  • Submersing myself into my job
  • Gaming
  • Using healthy sex with my husband to work out frustration (Please note this is different then sleeping with random people to work out frustration. If you are in a healthy supportive relationship, sex is a great way to burn off some steam.)

How do you handle stress that leads to depression?

First Day

I had orientation today. Nothing exciting to report. It lasted all of 45 minutes. I filled out some paperwork. Mostly just union stuff. Oh btw, I’ll be in a union here in 90 days. I don’t know if I mentioned that.

I start training tomorrow from 5pm-10pm. Nothing too exciting but it’s work, right? The first part of training is computer training. So I’ll basically be starring at a computer screen for 5 hours straight. I can handle that.

I keep you all updated.

Worries: Job Not Money

I’m back to being ok. We got that loan from a friend so we are for the most part caught up on bills. Nothing is in danger of being shut off anyways. We’ll be the rest of the way caught up once I start getting paychecks from my new job. I wish I had gotten the new job even a month sooner, but there is nothing I can do about it. I applied for it within 24 hours of knowing it was out there. From that point on all I could do was wait the almost 2 weeks it took them to call me to set up an interview.

I’m still apprehensive about working two jobs. Going from 15 hours a week to 40 is a huge step. I’m more than doubling my hours work. Almost tripling depending on how many hours I’m actually given. Maybe they’ll only schedule me for 20 and I’ll be at 35. Who knows. I’m worrying about the unknown. My favorite thing to worry about.

I’m also kinda nervous about when I’ll sleep. If I’m working til midnight or 1am it’ll take me a couple hours to get my mind to shut down. Then if I’m up again at 8 to work at 10, that’s not a lot of sleep. I don’t function on too little sleep. I’m sure I’ll get it figured out. Hopefully I can sleep in on my days I don’t work in the morning. Hopefully Pat will be nice about letting me catch up on sleep. I’m not holding my breath, but we’ll see. He was good too me when I was working 2 jobs a few years back for a holiday season.

I’m also worried about how much time I’ll have with my kids. Between 2 jobs, and trying to get enough sleep to remain functional, I’m afraid it won’t be much. I feel really really sick over this. I’m not the most hands on mom in the world. But I do my best. I’m afraid I won’t have the time to make that good enough.

Really, I need to get to where I’m making enough money at the new job, that I can quit the old job. But that part breaks me heart. I’d be leaving friends and that’s really hard to do. But I’m intelligent enough to know it’s not paying the bills so I’ll have to do what I have to do. Paying bills and affording my family is my number one priority. Especially since we went our third baby.

There is always the worry of my earning too much money and Pat losing part of his SSI. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, I guess. This will be fixed when we do have a third baby, anyways. I’m allowed to work more when we have more kids. His SSI won’t increase any, he’s already at his max.

While we’re on the subject of worries… I’m really worried this job will bore me to death. I mean seriously, 7 hours of running a cash register will do that to a person. I won’t be looking forward to going to work. That wears a person down. Especially someone who is fragile in the mental health department.

I think that’s enough worries for one post.

Woes Reduced

I got worse as the night progressed last night. The straw that broke the camels back was realizing we forgot to pick up my sleep meds yesterday and I was completly out. So I pretty much slammed a cabinet door, ignored my husband and cried myself to sleep. Not my best behavior.

But I’m feeling a bit better today. I walked into a funny note at work left for me and it made me smile and I’m doing my bext to keep the smile there.

We have a possible loan for the money. Good friends are good.

We also have a possible sale of the account. Yes we are still selling even with the loan. We need to pay the person back after all. The current offer is 150$ which would take care of most of the bill in question. It would give us some breathing room. I think we might be holding out for more though. It’s worth more and I, at least, feel if we are going to sell the account we might as well take care of more than one thing with the profits. The offer in question comes from a company and once the poke around the account some the offer might go up. I like the sounds of that. The company is reputable and we aren’t getting scammed.

I dunno we’ll see.

I should get off here. As always I’ll keep everyone updated.

More Money Woes

Today has been very stressful for me. The money thing finally came to a head today with the whole cable bill. Pat is trying to solve it by selling his wow account. This breaks my heart to no end but it’s worth 600$. He’s asking 500$ or best offer. I don’t know how low he’ll go. I don’t know when it’ll sell. I don’t know.

I got the call today regarding my job. That’ currently the light at the end of my tunnel. I have paid orientation on Tuesday at 1. Then I imagine I’ll be working from that point on.

It’s going to take a couple of months to get us back in the green. Then we have some family members we need to pay back for various car repairs. I also owe mom for some camera stuff she bought me. Not too much but enough. Then I also need to start working on my tab at the Westerville store. I owe them 100-160$ for some photo finishing. It depends on if I can still get my discount. We’ll see. Some of this might have to come out of our next tax return. The camera bill to my mom and the photo finishing bill will come out of my allowance. It’s been so long since I’ve had allowance I won’t know the difference of getting it then handing it right back over to someone.

I’m just very down today. Depressed really. I’m up to about a 6 or a 7 on a scale of 1-10. Which is a lot higher than where I’ve been at. But it isn’t BPD that’s making me depressed for once. This is all real life.

I just haven’t been working enough and the new job didn’t come fast enough. But we’ll pull through. We always do.

I feel really disconnected from things and that I’ve lost interest in things that normally please me. I have no interest in catching up on the twitter gossip or reading my blogs.

I’m visibly upset. Customers (regulars anyway) and coworkers are asking me what’s wrong. I’m choosing honesty. It’s easier than lying. These are people who I know care. I mean we can’t pay our bills. I’m depressed. Period, end of story. Why lie about it. But I always follow the truth up with, I start my new job Tuesday. That way I can show I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not all Debbie downer.

I’m trying to distract myself. I need a game. I haven’t had wow in months. I wasn’t playing it enough for it to be worth the 15$ monthly subscription fee. But Lord of the Rings Online has a free 10 day trial. I’m downloading it now. I’ll give it a try and if I like it I’ll buy it later when I can afford it. It isn’t expensive. Whatever, it’s about the distraction. I need it. I’m also very aware that I lose my Internet halfway through the trial so it’s probably a waste to do it now. Whatever, maybe Pat will get his wow account sold and we won’t lose Cable.

Thomas turns 7 in a week. We aren’t exactly able to spoil him this year. I feel really bad about that. But he’s getting a Nintendo DS at the end of the summer. So hopefully that will make up for it. I dunno. Other people will get him things.

According to the downloader I still have 3 hours to go before it’s done. That doesn’t sound right. Whatever, I can’t blog for the next 3 hours. So I’m going to go ahead and end this now.


If I Go Silent

In four days our cable gets cut unless we can come up with a couple hundred to pay our bill. (A couple months worth, no we don’t pay 200$ a month.) This means no Internet. I won’t be able to update my blog. I won’t be checking email. None of it. I don’t know for how long. My new job just didn’t come fast enough. I don’t know when I get my first paycheck. There are quite a few unknowns at work here. But bottom line we can’t pay our bill so we are paying the price. Sit tight. I’ll be around for the next couple of days. I might be able to sneak on the blog itself at work long enough to check comments, though I’m not at work very often. Facebook too. But that’s about it. So like I said, sit tight. I’ll be back as soon as I can be. There is still a chance of a miracle. Like my dad spazing out at the loss and paying the bill for us. You never know. We’ll see. Love you guys!