It’s 11:10 but I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying but my brain won’t shut down. I’m hoping getting the thoughts “on paper” might actually help. So here goes.
I’m worried because Thomas is getting glasses. Wait, the beginning.
A week ago Thomas had a really bad headache. We were pretty sure it was a migraine but he was also running a fever. To be safe I took him to the urgent care that is literally right next to our house. It was too late in the day to get him into his Doctor and it was a Friday so the next day wasn’t an option. So to the urgent care we went. That being what they are for, and all. It was just a migraine and thankfully we got the right combo of pain killers in him so he was fine a few hours later. A slight relapse the next day, but basically fine. However while we were at the urgent care they gave him an eye exam. It was a brief “what are the letters on the chart” kind of exam. He failed it. I mean he got some of them right but he missed quite a few. L’s became D’s and that sort of thing. Now it was possible his headache was just fucking with his sight (I spelled that site… and K@ren is spelled g33k.), but it did set off an alarm in my head. Bad vision can cause headaches as well.
So I called and scheduled him for an eye exam. His appointment was last Tuesday. The exam went ok over all. Thomas was very cooperative. But we did discover that he has an astigmatism. So his sight is a little messed up and he is indeed getting glasses.
Now the doctor says he only has to wear them for school and study. However, I have visions of him taking them off and leaving them at school, or at home on the way to school, or setting them down and stepping on them. We can’t exactly afford to go through pair after pair of glasses. So I think I’m going to at least attempt to have him wear them all the time. If he’s awake they are on, if he is asleep they go on his headboard (bookcase style headboard, appropriately the cubbyholes are perfect glasses holders.) If they are on his face they aren’t being forgotten or stepped on. That’s the theory anyways. Besides his father and I are blind as bats so he has our lead to follow and he might as well get in the habit of wearing them 24/7 now because I’m sure it won’t be too long before he has to anyways.
So here is what really worries me: school. See he is one of few white kids in his class, and he gets singled out quite a bit. He isn’t bullied at school like he is in the neighborhood, but he is teased for various things like race. It isn’t a far stretch of the imagination to assume glasses is going to be one more way for them to single him out. Poor kid. Now he is excited about them. He was pissed when we didn’t leave the office with them that same day (2 weeks or so). But he’s also never been called four eyes. Now my smart ass wants to teach him to tell them they are just jealous because he looks smarter than they do. But somehow, I don’t see that being the solution. And it isn’t just that I don’t want him being teased, because I’ve come to accept that he’s being teased. I just hate that they are going to turn this event of great excitement into something not so exciting.
Maybe I’m just being paranoid. I hope so.
Today was actually busy at work. Like really busy up until the last hour. It’s a good sign. Maybe the season of photography is officially beginning and I can get my hours back at work. It would be nice. This whole picking and choosing between what bills are getting paid in full is bullshit. And we don’t exactly have much left over to take care of other needs. We haven’t filled the gas tank in a month. We have enough gas to get done the bare necessities but that’s about it. Granted, it helps Pat only has to get me to and from work 3 days a week. Still it would be nice to have enough gas to go to parks or the library and other fun things. Oh, and toilet paper that isn’t cheap ass crap (pun intended) that leaves behind lint, would be nice. It’s the little things like making sure everyone has plenty of shampoo and the rats have enough rat food (though the little darlings (that originally said fuckers instead of darlings) are far from hungry). So yes, more hours at work would be helpful.
Besides, I haven’t had allowance in awhile. I only get 20$ a week but that 20$ is, well, kinda important to me. We make sure everything else is taken care of first and then that 20$ is mine to go hog wild and splurge on something pretty and/or shiny and/or edible. And I have things I want: a flash bracket for my camera, a flash cord for my camera, a second battery for my camera, and a filter for the lens my lens mom is buying me. Every item listed is 20$ each. Fate wants me to have these items. My sister wedding album needs me to have these items. I get a pwntastic (I actually had to teach my spell checker that word) discount on each item (trust me the cheapest item I listed was about 50$ retail) so there is no reason i can’t and shouldn’t own them.
So, my kids were god awful for my mother this weekend. That’s a bit of an understatement, really. I saw for myself first hand when she took us to dinner tonight. It was bad enough that my sister, who adores them, decided that the free food wasn’t worth it. I agreed, and I love free food.
Pat and I had a long talk with Thomas about his behavior. See, he is so good at school but so not good out of school. The difference(according to him)? There is a reward system at school but not at home. I pointed out that the rewards at home involve trips to the park, library and going out to eat. Which sure beats the gummy bear he gets at school. Then we made him think about it while he stood in one spot not moving and not talking. I’m almost afraid to admit that because there are laws about torture. After he was done standing there he told us he had an answer. He wanted to be good at home too. So we’ll see how this goes. I asked Pat if maybe we should implement a stick system at home (like they have in school) and he said he had one in mind that involved 10 colorful paperclips. So like I said, we’ll see.
So Pat made 24$ worth of beef last night that I refused to touch so he invited Jesse over to help him eat it. Jesse brought whiskey with him to thank Pat for the meal. (I’m telling you, there is something about free food!) I played bartender to the boys, not drinking myself (What? I don’t even like whiskey!) and got Pat kinda drunk and Jesse really drunk. The goal being to see Jesse drunk. Goal achieved. It was fun being the sober one because I got all the laughs but get to keep the memories, verses Jesse who conveniently forgets declaring me his best friend when I gave him a clove and called me superior when I provided the fire needed to light said clove. Jesse is angsty and barely tolerates me, so these are things Jesse would never say sober. At some point during the drinking Jesse declared he wanted hash browns so this morning he treated me and Pat to waffle house. Thanks again, Jesse.
Stacy is losing a bunch of weight. Which is awesome because for one she’s healthier and happier. But also, we were the same exact size but now her clothes are too big so I’m inheriting her wardrobe. Clothes being something I need, I’m kinda really very excited about this. (Note to self, buy hangers). Now if only her feet would shrink. Girl has a killer shoe collection and we wear the same size. Though I think she’s rather die than give up her shoes and would probably just decide to wear the wrong size. Anyway, I’m very proud of Stacy. I believe she’s lost 35 pounds so far. Her doctor wants her to maintain that weight for awhile though before she loses more. Health reasons. Her secret? Weight Watchers.
So how is my mental health doing? Um, well… Depression wise I’m fine. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being horrible, I’m at about a 3 or 4. I can live with a 3 or 4. Gladly. A 2 or a 1 would involve us having more money, a house of our own, my own car, and my father living with my sister. 2’s and 1’s are currently impossible. So what does this mean? I’ve found the right med cocktail and I just need to maintain.
Why the “Um, well…”? I think (read: know) stress is getting to me. I’m about at the end of my rope. Money, kids, husband, work: I need a vacation. No, really. My boss is currently on a cruise ship setting sail to the Caribbean. Right now I’m so incredibly jealous that I’m peeing green with envy. At this point I’d settle for a trip to hocking hills here in Ohio. Whatever. As long as there was a hotel involved and no kids.
But yes, I’m really stressed. I’m worried about a million things. I’m spending too much time with my family. Don’t get me wrong I’m enjoying the extra time with my family while I’m not working as much. But 4 days in a row home with them no breaks… wow, I could never be a stay at home mom.
So what does stress equate to? Mostly rages, it seems. And it takes very little to set me off: too little sleep, being hungry, “momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma momma “, loud things, malware attacks on my computer (5 hours, it took 5 hours to find and kill the little bugger), etc etc etc.
I’m working though it. I’m fighting each thing as it comes. I have the depression out of the way so working on the stress and rages is next in line. I just need to focus on getting enough sleep (and a sleep aid that works), eating when I’m hungry, and taking chill pills.
Alright it is 12:41. I’ve been writing for an hour and a half straight. Time to wrap this up.
Just one more thing:
(Did you know I like parenthesis?)